by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com
While enjoying my guiltiest of guilty pleasures, perusing websites of the British tabloid press, I ran across an item which united two of my favorite things: Sex toys and science-fiction.
Granted, the sci-fi sex toys in question are Star Wars-themed, and Star Wars is not one of my favorite sci-fi series, but still, who wouldn’t want a body wand with Darth Vader’s head on it? (Perhaps unsurprisingly, the “Darth Vibrator” has already sold out.)
Even as I was chuckling at the somewhat cringeworthy Yoda dildo and the brilliant space station ball gag, my mind was already wandering, cooking up mental pictures of sex toys inspired by other works of fiction.
Vangelis Soundtrack Sold Separately
For whatever reason, the first work of sci-fi which sprang to mind as a good source for sex toy concepts was Blade Runner. Maybe it was lingering disappointment over the fact the only Star Wars sex toy involving an image of Harrison Ford was a penetrable device for men, or maybe it was because Blade Runner 2049 was being advertised all over the place set so recently.
In any event, I think a dildo called the “Dick Reckard” would be a huge hit, especially if the manufacturer could somehow get Harrison Ford to endorse it. It wouldn’t need to be actually modeled on Ford’s penis, so long as it could be marketed in a way which suggested it was.
Naturally, there’d need to be a Roy Batty strap-on dildo, if only so I could someday confront the manufacturer to say to him “If only you could fuck the men I’ve pegged with your cock.”
If only to add balance to the Blade Runner toy collection, I suppose we’d need to include something for the fellas, as well. How about a “basic pleasure model” pocket pussy called the “Replicunt”? (Ok, so the name of the device might make Darly Hannah a little hesitant to allow her image to be used in marketing it, but I think we could make do with a Hannah lookalike…)
Did I Mention That Melange Is An Aphrodisiac?
Another sci-fi epic which is ripe for the sex toy treatment is the Frank Herbert classic, Dune. And if ever there were character on which an advanced, handsomely-crafted vibrator must be based, it’s Duncan Idaho, a “swordmaster” who is also quite the chick-magnet.
Plus, if there’s a better metaphor for a gargantuan penis than the giant sandworms of Arrakis in all of fiction, I don’t know what it is.
In terms of marketing, devices on the kinkier side of the Dune collection could be offered as part of helping customers master the “weirding way” – including training to mimic the Bene Gesserit’s ability to control each muscle of the body individually, which would really enhance consumers’ practice of tantric sex, obviously.
We’d just need to be careful not to get people too hooked on the spice included in the pleasure product set, because there’s nothing more pathetic than an oversexed swordsman addicted to melange.
No Reason To Stop At Sci-Fi
The more I thought about it, the more I realized there’s no reason to limit our fiction-inspired sex toys to the realm of sci-fi, especially when there’s a tailor-made for erotic marketing genre called “fantasy” just sitting there waiting to be employed.
Is there a better source of inspiration for a large, knotty dildo than Gandalf’s staff? And when it comes to cock rings, don’t we need one which can “bring them all and in the darkness bind them?”
You get my point; these products need to happen. Either that, or I need to stop now, before I get carried away and go off on a rant about the marvelous potential of the “Bi, Robot” an advanced, sentient, bisexual android inspired by the work of Isaac Asimov.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.