by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Christmas
Starting sometime in late November every year, I can’t walk into the public sphere without being assailed by Christmas music. Whether I’m at the grocery store, a shopping mall (unlikely, I’ll admit, but technically possible) or just gassing up at the convenience store down the hill, everywhere I turn this time of year someone is decking the halls, announcing they’ll be home for Christmas, or – god forbid – rocking out with some jingle bells.
This year, instead of trying to screen out the words to these songs, I’ve been carefully analyzing the lyrics, sifting through them for hidden meanings – although I must say, some of these meanings have been hiding in plain sight, all along.
Yes, in breaking down and interpreting Christmas carols, I’ve come to a solid conclusion: Santa is a perv.
Here Cums Santa Claus…
Please understand. When I say Santa is a “perv,” I’m not using the term as derisively as you may think. I work in the porn industry after all, so for me, perv is something of a term of endearment.
At any rate, when you think about it, Santa is basically a benevolent voyeur; he’s constantly watching us to keep track of our naughtiness and niceness, which I assume means he’s quite interested in our sex lives.
While I might not like most of the songs about the big guy, I do appreciate his taste in vibrators, based on the ones he has left under the tree for me over the years. (My husband is always trying to take credit for those, but since he never listens, I’m sure he doesn’t know whether I prefer rabbits over dolphins, or vice versa.)
If you look at the lyrics of “Here Comes Santa Clause,” even if you don’t modify the spelling of “comes,” there’s clearly something sexual going on here.
“He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys” – oh, I’ll bet he does.
“So jump in bed and cover your head, ‘Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!” Jump in bed, because clearly Santa likes it when I’m in bed, right? And “cover my head?” Gee, what does this suggest about where, precisely, Santa plans to cum?
If you need more evidence from this song, consider this: Santa’s riding around with a harness attached to someone named “Vixen” for fuck’s sake!
At Least Five Days Of Christmas Are Seriously Innuendo-Laden
At first glance, “The Twelve Days of Christmas” may appear to be an innocent (if dreadfully repetitive) little song about what some guy’s true love sent to him. But when looked at thoroughly for content which can be construed as sexual, the song takes on a whole new character.
Without even getting into the possible oral sex connotations of “French hens,” I think it’s safe to say at least five of the twelve days in this song are packed with naughty innuendo.
For example, considering one of the euphemisms people use for a penis is a “pipe,” this business of “eleven pipers piping” is starting to sound like some sort of gangbang situation. And since we know, historically, women have often been referred to as “birds,” the “six geese a-laying” is clearly another group sex reference.
With respect to the “nine ladies dancing,” is there a pole involved in this dancing? Meanwhile, I’m sure lactation-porn fans would be thrilled to have their true love give them “eight maids a-milking.” As for the “five gold rings,” I’m assuming these are cock rings we’re talking about.
What does any of this have to do with Santa, you ask? Well, I’m not giving the lyricist’s “true love” any more credit for thoughtful gift-giving than my husband, absent additional evidence.
Don’t Get Me Started On The Poor Shepherds
While my focus here has been on Santa’s predilections, there’s no shortage of sexual imagery associated with other figures commonly featured in Christmas songs.
First, there’s all “ye faithful” who are supposed to cum on command. To be fair, I usually feel pretty “joyful and triumphant” after I cum, too, so I can understand why the faithful don’t object to such expectations. And given how much spiked eggnog flows around this time of year, I’m sure “that glorious song of old” isn’t the only thing which cums “upon the midnight clear” either.
As for “The First Noel,” don’t even get me started on the “certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay, in fields as they lay, keeping their sheep.”
Suffice to say from where I sit, sexually reinterpreting these carols, it’s the poor sheep we should feel sorry for in the situation the song describes…
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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