[Sex tips are everywhere you look on the internet these days, from Cosmo-style “how to please your man” stuff to highly-specific information on challenging sexual positions — all the way to advice on having sex with “spirits” from a woman who claims to be in a relationship with a 300 year-old Haitian pirate-ghost. Today, Calico looks at some sex tips from several BDSM professionals, and finds it to be very sensible and practical, if somewhat lacking in specific ideas for ways to cruelly discipline her unruly, boneheaded husband. Read all about it in the new post, “These Sex Tips From Dominatrixes Are Not What I Expected”]
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
One of the great things about the internet age is if you’re in search of sex tips, or advice on how to spice up your love life, these tips are quite easy to find – especially if you’re not too picky about the sources from which you seek such advice.
In a single Google query, can find sex tips specifically for women (although mostly of the “how to please your man” variety), sex advice for men by the bushel, sex tips which are regarded as “surprising” by the publication offering them, sex tips which broadly imply the other sex tips you’ve received previously have been repetitive and dull – hell, you can even get sex tips on how to have sex with a spirit from someone who married a 300-year-old pirate ghost.
Some of this advice may not be for everyone – which is kind of what I expected from sex tips offered by professional dominatrixes: Advice which might be great in a certain context, but possibly not of much use to those of us who have no intention of flogging, humiliating or dominating our partners.
Maybe I Should Rethink My Stance On Ghost-Sex Advice, Too
Even if you’re someone who tries hard not to prejudge information based on a smattering of knowledge of its source, it’s difficult not to come to the table with certain assumptions already embedded in your noggin.
For example, when I saw the headline about the woman who “grew tired of ‘real world’ men and embarked on a relationship with an 18th century Haitian pirate ghost named Jack” and that “the pair apparently have a stellar sex life,” I assumed the sex advice she had to offer would be of greatest use to schizophrenics. As it turns out though, her advice was quite practical:
“Although (sex with a spirit) can be tried from any position, missionary is probably best to start with because it’s easier to feel their weight and take it from there,” she advises.
Seems reasonable; the next time I want to be sure I feel a ghost’s weight while having sex with it, I’ll certainly keep this tip in mind.
More surprising than being advised to start out ghost-sex in the missionary position, perhaps, is how little the sex advice offered by the dominatrixes interview by HuffPo has to do with BDSM or other ‘kinky’ stuff, and how much it has to do with the application of common sense.
“When I begin work with couples, my first suggestion is that they plan a date where the only outcome is creating a shared sex wish list,” explains Hudsy Hawn, a professional dominatrix, BDSM educator and “couples coach” in Los Angeles. “To make it easy, try creating three columns: Green, yellow and red zones. Green would be anything you’re dying to try, yellow is for things you’re on the fence about and want to discuss further and red (which is a great safe word, by the way) is always ‘hell, no!’”
While I’m sure my husband would only claim to be selectively colorblind, so he could ignore the fact I put anal in the red column if we were to try this approach, it seems like it would be easily adapted to other ways to signal what’s desired and what’s off-limits.
I’ve always been a big advocate of communicating clearly with your partner (yes, even if your partner is as irritating to communicate with as my husband) and this idea of a sex wish list seems like a fun way to broach a topic which might be more difficult to address in a ‘normal,’ straightforward conversation.
Still, There Are Some More Specific Tips I Wish They’d Given
While I’m genuinely appreciative of the quality of the tips offered by Hawn and her colleagues, given the realm of their expertise, there are some specific areas I wish they’d touched on in the process of offering their generally excellent advice.
For example, suppose I want to dominate a partner who has done something for which he badly needs to be punished, like not using a coaster under his cold beer, resulting in a horrible, ugly circular mark being left behind on my quite nice coffee table; what implement is ideal for flogging such an inconsiderate person? Do I need some sort of fancy cat o’ nine tails, or would simply smacking him with a tennis racquet get the job done?
Related question: Must I really care whether my partner derives any sort of pleasure from the richly-deserved discipline I impart to him? To be clear, I’d obtain his consent – at least so far as receiving affirmative permission to keep inside the house the devices I intend to thump him with, if not for the thumping itself.
One last question: Under the standard ‘rules of engagement’ employed in BDSM, is it unethical to keep someone tied to the bed while you binge Netflix shows he refuses to watch with you? (Asking for a friend…)
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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