Sex Humor – One Design Question: Box Style, or Microplane?

Sex Humor – One Design Question: Box Style, or Microplane?

– Calico Rudasill, porn movies for women and couples

No visitor, house guest, delivery driver, serviceperson, law enforcement officer, exterminator, religious proselytizer or anyone else who has ever laid eyes on the inside of my house would ever confuse me for an interior decorator. 

About the only thing I’ve spent more than two minutes to decide when it comes to the placement or arrangement of things in my living room involved a back-and-forth with my husband about how close the couch should be to the TV. (I like to be close enough to read subtitles, he prefers to sit in a neighboring state.)

julia childs

Form Follows Function. Or Maybe Function Follows Form? They’re Both In There Somewhere, At Any Rate

Still, every so often I find myself surfing the internet for design tips, even knowing I’ll never follow those tips, just so I can tell myself “Well, I tried” – without all that effort associated with actually trying something.

I often find myself getting caught up contemplating things that aren’t so much design tips and bits of interior design philosophy – overarching principles that interior designers use to guide their work and their clients.

One of these tidbits of sagely designer advice comes from an Australian designer named David Hicks, who says: “The best rooms have something to say about the people who live in them.”

I think this is true. In my house, for example, the rooms speak loudly and uniformly to make, very emphatically, the same point: “The people who live here don’t particularly enjoy dusting.”

Another tip, one I’m tempted to act upon, states: “If you want a golden rule that will fit everything, this is it: Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.”

You hear that, dear? I’m afraid this means we’ll need to throw out both your ugly, orange, signed-by-the-Phoenix-Suns basketball and that massive stack of old Guitar Player magazines you’ve kept tucked in the corner of the study since the late 90s.

Do Vegetable Peelers Have The Opposite Design Effect On Men?

julia childsSadly, most interior design advice has nothing to do with sex, making yourself more desirable, or seducing attractive people who pop in to perform maintenance on things like washing machines, sliding glass doors or husbands.

I have finally found one tip along those lines, however – and while it’s not an interior design tip, per se, it does have to do with keeping a certain item around the house so you can make use of its evidently aphrodisiac qualities.

The item in question is – of coursea hand-held cheese grater.

“Grab a great hunk of parmesan and hold it over a bowl of pasta, then grate delicate little shavings of parmesan on top of the pasta, rhythmically moving the hunk back and forth so the cheese falls, romantically, like snow on a mountain-top,” advises Sinéad Stubbins in an excerpt from her book, In My Defence, I Have No Defence.  “It’s a scientific fact that if you do this in front of a guest of any sexual orientation, they will fall in love immediately and want to have sex with you. I don’t know why. It just happens.”

See? Now that’s the kind of interior design and lifestyle advice I need. It does raise other questions, of course, chief among them: Is it better to use a box style grater or microplane? 

I assume the answer here is microplane, simply because those seem sleeker, more stylish, less cumbersome – and much easier to swat my husband with, when he inevitably makes fun of me for using a handheld grater instead of just shaking out a serving of dry, powdery, allegedly parmesan cheese-based dust from the enormous, still half-full container of Kraft grated cheese he bought at Costco in 2018.

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