Aphrodisiacs – Please Don’t Tell My Husband; His Breath Is Bad Enough Already

AphrodisiacsPlease Don’t Tell My Husband; His Breath Is Bad Enough Already.

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women

For as long as I’ve been reading and writing about sex, I’ve been fascinated by certain persistent sex myths. You know – things like the ‘bigger is better’ thing with respect to penises (maybe less a ‘myth’ than a subjective opinion that some people believe to be a simple fact), or the very confusing-to-women ‘it’s not a real orgasm unless it comes from vaginal penetration’ notion

My personal favorite has always been the idea you can get STDs from a toilet seat – a claim common enough among men who need to come up with a  non-infidelity-related explanation for their STDs that was simultaneously mocked and immortalized in song by Frank Zappa, in his appropriately-titled “Why Does it Hurt When I Pee?

aphrodisiac doctor

I’m Not Licking One to Get High, Either (That’s Why God Made Magic Mushrooms)

A whole other category of sex myth (or maybe a nicer way to put it is “disputed sex-related claim”) revolves around aphrodisiacs, substances that allegedly increase “sexual desire, sexual attraction, sexual pleasure, or sexual behavior,” as the Wikipedia entry linked above puts it.

According to various people, all sorts of things are aphrodisiacs, from Bufo toad skin to substances found in the bark of certain trees. I’ll never know if those things work, because I’m just not the sort of girl who goes around consuming toad skin or tree sap, or whatever form yohimbe starts out in, before being made into a pill and sold to guys who suffer from ED. 

Why Not? I Eat Those Anyway

Other alleged aphrodisiacs I have tried, or am willing to try, because I already eat them on occasion, anyway. In this category, I put stuff like oysters (didn’t do shit for me, I’m afraid), artichokes, chocolate (I don’t care if this one works, I’m always happy to eat more chocolate), strawberries and so on.

On occasion, I’ve fed my husband foods that are supposed to be aphrodisiacs, without telling him that’s why he was getting asparagus as a side item that night. I do this not because I’m an inherently sneaking person, but because I’m trying to be scientific here, and If were to tell him that the food is supposed to turn him on, he might experience some placebo effect based on the expectation that it will work – or even just pretend that it’s working in hopes that if he acts horny enough, I’ll feel compelled to relieve his suffering with an impromptu blowjob from beneath the dining room table.

I Don’t Suppose Altoids Improve Blood Flow, Too?

In addition to being the kind of ‘citizen scientist’ who doesn’t hesitate to use her husband as a guinea pig, at least in connection with relatively harmless experimentation involving things like consuming watermelon or chili peppers, I’m also the kind of wife who will not suggest experimenting with an aphrodisiac food if that food is something I only want him consuming in moderation.

This is why, even if strong evidence were to emerge that garlic has sex-enhancing properties, I’m not telling my husband that – and I’d appreciate it if the medical and scientific communities didn’t, either.

Thankfully, it sounds like the jury is still out, so for the moment at least, I feel no obligation to address the garlic-as-aphrodisiac possibility with my research subject/significant other.

“Garlic can also increase nitric oxide levels, a compound that helps blood vessels dilate to promote better blood flow,” reports Healthline in the article linked above. “This could potentially help improve erectile function… However, more human studies are needed to evaluate the effects of garlic on erectile dysfunction specifically.”

That’s great and all – but since he doesn’t have ED and his breath is bad enough already, so I think I’ll keep this whole garlic/aphrodisiac possibility to myself, at least for now.

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