OF COURSE He’s a “Florida Man”
Oh, Florida Man — you are the gift who keeps giving!
Granted, for the most part what you give is Florida a bad name, but you also give the rest of us a chuckle when we peruse the news, a great public service during this depressing pandemic in which we currently find ourselves.
Granted, the stories probably aren’t as funny to the people whose house you broke into just to watch their TV, or to those whose convenience store you rob… but at least you do them the courtesy of occasionally leaving behind your wallet and ID in the store you just robbed, substantially increasing the odds of your victims getting some justice.
Speaking of Florida, dumb crimes and justice, it’s only February but Calico thinks her favorite Florida Man of 2021 might already have revealed himself. Sure, there’s over 9 months of 2021 left in which he could lose the title, but his is a formidable entry into the contest.
What did this Florida Man do? How did he go about making himself extraordinarily easy to catch? Is it really “re-gifting” if you’re not the person who originally received the gift?
Read all about it in Calico’s latest post, “OF COURSE He’s a ‘Florida Man’.”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Award-winning erotic movies for women
2021 wasn’t even a week old before Florida Man, one of my all-time favorite memes, took His hijinks to a whole new level. And no, I’m not talking about the level where you tattoo the state of Florida onto your forehead, or the level where you get caught robbing someone’s home because you get caught up watching TV instead of fleeing the crime scene.
No, I’m talking about the new level of Florida Man where your story goes national, even global, in real time – because you’re seen on camera carrying something rather large out of the Capitol building while there’s an insurrection in progress.
The lectern thief’s ongoing tale of legal woe isn’t my favorite Florida Man story of the new year, however. Hell, it’s not even my favorite Florida Man story of 2021 in the “Immensely Stupid Criminal” category.
“With This Ring, I Thee Wed – And Maybe I She Wed, Too?”
I mean, sure, the crimes listed above were all dumb, but they just don’t tickle my fancy quite the way the gentleman at the heart of my favorite-so-far Florida Man story of 2021.
(Also, to be clear, it’s not illegal to tattoo the state of Florida on your face, but the reason we all heard about that guy is because he called 911 for a ride home while carrying pot in his pocket, which I think we can all agree is a pretty dumb thing to do)
Joseph Davis, the fellow who currently ranks as my favorite Florida Man of 2021, wormed his way onto my Amusing Villain List through an act that was equal parts monumental chutzpah, heartless viciousness and forehead-bruising facepalm.
What did Mr. Davis do, you ask? Call it “regifting with a twist,” perhaps – and a particularly stupid, criminal twist, at that.
“A Florida man stole an engagement ring and wedding bands from a girlfriend and used them to propose to another girlfriend,” the Associated Press reports.
Oh my. Please tell me that Joseph was also the person who gave the victim the rings in the first place, at least?
“When she looked up the fiancée’s Facebook page, she noticed a photo of her wearing a wedding band and engagement ring that was identical to her own from a prior marriage, the sheriff’s office said in a news release.”
Hmm. So much for that mitigating-of-awfulness notion, eh?
His Idiocy Has Been Matched, But What of the Cruelty?
Joseph’s crime is so dumb and his (apparent) belief he’d avoid detection so absurd that it makes me feel bad for previous criminals among Florida Men who have been dragged on social media for how dumb they are. Those guys back in October, all they did was leave a wallet with one of their IDs in it at a crime scene, which to me seems more “unlucky” and “careless” than “dumb.”
Although… come to think of it, I suppose to leave your wallet and ID at a crime scene, you must first bring your wallet and ID to the crime scene, and that IS pretty goddam dumb.
OK, so on the dumbness front, we’ll it a draw between Joseph and Marcus Reeves, who for his efforts captured the Marion County Sheriff’s Office Dumbest Criminals of the Week award back in October. But Reeves was just robbing convenience stores and such, so on the heartless cruelty front, Joseph clearly wins, hands down.
Bad News, Joe: God Thinks You’re a Dick, Too.
The other reason Joseph’s dumb crime is more compelling to me than those of his admittedly quite compelling Florida Men peers is that it simply has more depth to it. I mean, Joseph didn’t just steal and reappropriate engagement and wedding rings, he pushed the envelope before and after that deed in all sorts of other Lifetime-movie-of-the-week-friendly ways. For example:
“Davis once took the fiancee to a house that actually belonged to the Orange City woman, while she was at work, and claimed it was his. He then asked the fiancee to move in with him, but he then disappeared. By that time, the fiancee discovered her laptop computer and jewelry were missing, the sheriff’s office said.”
Oh – and he’s got a history, too:
“Davis has an active arrest warrant for a hit-and-run crash with injuries in Oregon, and previously has been arrested for possession of fictitious ID, filing a false police report, domestic assault and possession of cocaine with intent to sell.”
And, finally, the kicker:
“According to the sheriff’s office, the jail where Davis previously was booked noted he had a tattoo on his left arm that said, ‘Only God can judge me.’”
I dunno, Joseph; now that you’re Florida Man-famous, I’m guessing the internet might have a word or to say about that “only god can judge me” thing.
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