It Could Have Been Much Worse/Better (This IS Florida We're Talking About…)

It Could Have Been Much Worse/Better (This IS Florida We’re Talking About…)

Normally, when Calico finds herself writing about something that happened in Florida, there’s something exceedingly strange about the story. Typically, there’s an enormous alligator involved, or someone has been caught fucking a Volkswagen, or some drug-addled wacko has eaten someone else’s face — or maybe an enormous, drug-addled alligator has been caught eating someone’s Volkswagen while they’re having sex in it. You get the idea: It’s Florida, home of “Florida Man,” the internet’s favorite recurring meme-character.

Today’s story out of Florida falls strangely flat in the oddness department, at least at first glance. Nobody got eaten, no wildlife was involved and instead of sticking his dick in the exhaust pipe, the man involved was merely sticking his dick inside another person — albeit while both of them were inside a car (no word on whether said car was a Volkswagen, sadly.) 

Upon further review, however, there may be something strange about this latest news report out of Florida, after all. Indeed, it might not just be strange, but literally impossible.

What sort of potentially impossible strangeness has emerged from Florida now? Is there a recount involved? Do any of the central characters have orange skin? Does “Boca Raton” really mean “rat mouth”? Read about the latest wackiness out of the Sunshine State in Calico’s new post, “It Could Have Been Much Worse (This IS Florida We’re Talking About Here)”

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn Movies For Women

READ ON…

As my loyal, long-time readers (of which there must be at least a half dozen) know, one of my favorite go-to subjects for posts falls within the general heading of “people caught having sex in public.” Ideally, I like for their to be some kind of oddity involved, like having sex with a car, or with a slice of cheese, or a ghost, or something that gives the story a bit of added umph, ya know?

So, you can imagine my disappointment when I ran across a headline about a couple who were caught having sex in a car – and that rather mundane fact turned out to be the whole story.

“Autoerotic,” Indeed

The story in question starts out with great promise – by which I mean the dateline on it is “LARGO, Florida.” By now, anyone who spends time on the internet should be well familiar with the Florida Man meme, which flows from the fact that are just so many great, weird and wild news stories that include “Florida man” in the headline. Here’s one very recent example: “Florida man loses pants, boxers in wild Wawa fight.”

Sadly, after raising my expectations with its dateline, the article quickly sputters out: “A man and woman are facing lewd and lascivious charges after being caught by police having sex in a car.”

That’s the entire first paragraph of the story? A couple was caught having sex in a car? There was no alligator involved here? Nobody ate anyone else’s face?

Oh wait, wait – there’s more here… and not only is it strange, it might just be impossible.

Is That a Himalayan Mountain Range in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Perhaps I was too hasty to declare this car sex encounter between Amber Gormley and Shawn McClelland mundane and unremarkable. As it turns out, there’s something quite remarkable about Mr. McClelland – or something truly remarkable about the pockets on his trousers, at least.

“McClelland also faces a charge of possession of K2.”

Possession of K2? This seems highly unlikely – K2 is, after all, both 28,251 feet tall and located on the China-Pakistan border. Even if it were possible to put such a thing in one’s pocket, how in God’s name does one smuggle a mountain from Pakistan to Florida? Please tell me there are no body cavities involved in this caper!

Oh right… not that “K2” – this K2. That makes more sense. But now I feel compelled to ask again: Are we 100% sure nobody ate a face as part of this sex-in-car crime?

Living Largo

While I’m disappointed on behalf of Largo, Florida that the town cannot claim to have the first resident to successfully smuggle an entire mountain into the state, it’s not all bad news for Largo this week. After all, the city has been named the second-best American city to retire to, according to Money magazine. Of course, the list is also topped by Madison, Wisconsin, with a photo of an elderly man riding a skateboard offered as proof for how retirement-friendly that community is, so maybe whomever came up with that list has been sneaking tokes off Shawn McClelland’s K2 spliff.

So, what makes Largo a great city to retire to, other than its evidently reliable supply of synthetic cannabis?

“Largo, Florida has the lowest median home price of our winners at $211,000” and one of its main attractions is “its proximity to beaches along the Gulf of Mexico.”

Perhaps these facts help explain why Amber and Shawn were having sex in a car. I mean, the article didn’t mention what kind of car it was, but it’s quite possible they felt it was simply a classier location than one of their bargain-priced homes – and I hear you can’t beat the view of K2 from there.

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