If you’ve ever found yourself sitting around with friends trading tales of woe, whether it was about awful first dates, terrible travel experiences or embarrassing moments in the workplace, you may have had one friend whose stories always seem to top everyone else. That friend is not Calico, whose wildest, dumbest and most harrowing anecdotes always seem to come up short by comparison to those of her peers.
There is one area of life in which Calico can boast of jaw-dropping stories — if “boast” is the right word in this context. I’m talking about the area of embarrassing and/or awkward moments during sexual encounters. As she reads through a recent survey about such moments and the blog post in which the surveyors analyzed the results, Calico can’t help but think she’s finally found a realm in which her own stories might stand out from the crowd. Read all about it in Calico’s latest post, “This List Of Sex-Related Mishaps Is Missing Soooo Many Entries”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
When it comes to one-upmanship in storytelling, I often find myself at a disadvantage with respect to my peers.
In relating some of my more embarrassing work-related moments, for example, I will never be able to top my old friend Chris, who was once tasked with housesitting for the president of the company while the boss was out of town. On the first day of his duties, Chris “borrowed” the boss’ BMW (which he’d been told he could use “in case of an emergency”) to make a food run for our small office team, then proceeded to spill a massive take out order of Mexican food all over said BMW – pungent enchilada sauce and all.
Along those same lines, while I’ve had some unpleasant experiences as a traveler, I’ve never been kidnapped by a fake taxi driver, driven into the hills and held at gunpoint until I handed over every last penny I had on me – as happened to two friends of mine when they were traveling in Ecuador a while back.
Bumping Heads I Can Handle – Unanticipated Burns Are Another Story
There are some areas of life, however, where my cringeworthy anecdotes and tales of woe do appear to outstrip those of many other people. Unfortunately, one of those areas is the realm of “awkward sexual encounters” to borrow the parlance of a recent survey and blog post on the subject.
“Things can get pretty painful when lovers aren’t on the same page,” the unidentified author of the article relates. “In the heat of the moment, accidents can occur. In fact, roughly 99 percent of respondents said they’d experienced some mishap of this variety, and the most common form of misfortune was bumping heads with one’s partner.”
OK, sure – I’ve bumped heads with my partner, as I’m guessing most people have. I wouldn’t call that awkward, though. It’s unpleasant to knock heads, sure, but “awkward” implies the two of us might have some discomfort in dealing with the event, after it occurs. The only thing I’ve ever done after bonking heads with my partner was get back to business, as soon as possible.
There’s also a category for accidentally bruising your partner (or accidentally being bruised by them), knocking stuff off the walls, dropping people and a host of other things of which I’ve been a part. I’m still not feeling the awkwardness promised by the title of the article, though.
If you want awkward, what they need is something akin to a deconstructed “all of the above” subcategory for amorous environmental mishaps, which covers things like the time I hatched a plan to surprise my boyfriend by festooning the bedroom with lovely little candles.
It seemed like a pretty solid, romance-enhancing move – until later when we got down to fucking and wound up knocking several of the candles off the headboard, resulting in an unexpected hot wax shower for the two of us and a six-inch hole burned into my sheets, to boot. Good times!
Is The Word “Accidentally” Really Necessary Here?
Aside from finding some of the items it covered a little mundane or so typical they seem more typical than embarrassing or uncomfortable, reading over the results of this survey is good fun. But since I love nothing more than nitpicking, there’s something else which stood out to me as confusing and which I’d be remiss if I were to let it go unmentioned.
I notice several categories in this survey of sex-related mishaps which are prefaced with the adverb “accidentally” where that clarification seems unnecessary, or even gratuitous.
For example, if the subject is something awkward which happened during sex, do we really need to specify that someone “accidentally” vomited?
I mean, presumably, if you’re vomiting during sex intentionally, you’re doing so because you and your partner are into that sort of thing, as unlikely as that might seem to all us non-emetophiles.
On the other hand, if 11.8% of women and 8.1% of men report accidentally throwing up during sex, maybe humiliating sexual experiences aren’t an area in which my own tales of woe trump those of my peers, after all.
Oh well, there’s always embarrassing sports-related moments for me to turn to. After all, while I can’t say it would necessarily take the top prize in the Most Humiliating Moments in Athletics, I’ve got to believe my high school experience of my entire swimsuit coming off during a dive from the 5-meter platform would at least garner a Dishonorable Mention.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.