Turnabout: What If Porn People Were Embarrassed About Their Mainstream Interests?

Turnabout: What If Porn People Were Embarrassed About Their Mainstream Interests?

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com

If you’ve read much of my stuff, then you know of my great love for two things: Oddly-worded headlines and social media/porn mishaps associated with public figures.

In the latest instance of the latter, the Twitter feed of noted British gearhead Jeremy Clarkson ‘liked’ a couple of porn-related items, only to have Clarkson log on later to explain away the up-votes with a novel variation on the “rogue friend” excuse.

“Valuable lesson learned about not leaving your phone unattended when there are drunk people about,” Clarkson tweeted, laying the blame at the feet of one or more of his unidentified, inebriated pals.

Setting aside the question of whether to believe Clarkson’s explanation, the increasing frequency with which I’m reading about social media/porn mishaps raised a funny little hypothetical in my mind: What if porn people were as embarrassed to be caught watching trashy ‘mainstream’ entertainment as non-porn folk are about having their porn tastes become part of the public record?

The Porn Parallel: A Back Asswards World

Think of it like an old episode of the Twilight Zone in which the entire world is backwards from the one we know – kind of like “The Parallel,” only much, much lamer because I’m trying to conceive of it and describe it in the same paragraph.

It’s a sunny summer morning in Los Angeles. The birds are singing, freewheeling local folk and tourists alike are roller skating by the Santa Monica pier, all is well with the world. But then, the unthinkable happens: Popular porn performer Jessica Drake, perhaps by mistake, or a moment of unintentional candor, appears to Like a post promoting a new Kardashian-related reality television program.

The backlash is fast and furious. Drake’s followers, dismayed by her questionable taste in viewing material, immediately begin to pepper her with critical comments.

“Really, Jess,” posts one long-time fan, “you like the Kardashians?”

Filled with moral outrage, another follower chimes in. “If I hadn’t illegally downloaded all your videos in the first place, I’d return them for a refund – if porn stores still existed, that is.”

As the minutes pass, more sympathetic Drake fans hold their breath; how will the starlet respond? Will she respond? This is a PR crisis in the making; Jessica must say something to quell the gathering storm.

Finally, 90 minutes after the original post, it is deleted. A new post appears from Drake: “My account was hacked – possibly by Draymond Green, but not sure.”

Another hour passes, this one filled with ridicule from skeptical netizens who don’t believe Drake’s excuse. She was hacked? Does she really expect us to believe that tired old line?

Finally, a new tweet from Drake.

“OK, I wasn’t hacked; I admit it, I’ve been known to watch reality TV, including Kardashian programs. So ashamed.”

The next day, with a beleaguered-looking Brad Armstrong at her side, Drake takes the step we all knew was coming: She enters rehab, saying when she completes the 12 steps, she’ll be back better than ever, steadfastly pornographic – and 100% Kardashian-free.

I Only Look At It For The Photospreads

Porn stars aren’t the only ones who are embarrassed to be spotted consuming mainstream news and entertainment in the Porn Parallel world; the politicians of this strange ‘oppoverse’ must mind their p’s and q’s, as well.

When a photo of President Anthony Weiner (hey – I did specify this hypothetical world was straight out of the Twilight Zone, after all) goes viral in which the Commander in Briefs appears to be eagerly reading a copy of the New York Times, his public relations staff shifts into overdrive to spin the story.

“The President does not read the Times,” says his spokesperson, a squat little fellow affectionately referred to by the White House press corps as ‘The Cooch.’ “This image has been photoshopped in a pathetic effort to smear the President and present him as a tabloid-reading imbecile.”

Unfortunately for the White House PR hack, minutes after the statement is released, new video surfaces which definitively shows Weiner clipping articles from the Times, seemingly putting in the final nail in his bad publicity coffin.

Thinking quickly, President Weiner calls a press conference to issue a “clarification” of the statement previously offered by The Cooch.

“Despite what this video appears to depict, I categorically deny reading the Times,” Weiner says, staring directly into the camera and thumping his fist on the lectern for emphasis. “What you see me cutting out there is a simply photo of my favorite porn star, published as part of a recent feature in the Times’ entertainment section. I hope this puts to rest all these ugly internet rumors concerning my alleged literacy and despicable interest in current events.”

You know what? I think this Porn Parallel concept has real potential. Hell, if I weren’t too embarrassed to associate with those sleazy Hollywood types, I might even consider pitching it to Netflix…