Darling – everybody knows communication is important to establishing and maintaining a good sex life — or everybody should know it, based on the number of articles which say so are available on the internet. This is especially true when it comes to expressing to your partner whether you share their desire to have sex, once they’ve made that desire clear to you.
As hard as this communication can be between humans, one would hope animals have that shit down to a science. A few high notes tweeted here, a few lower notes chirped there, and suddenly you have two happily humping songbirds, or whatever.
But how do China’s giant pandas know when there’s no chance of sex? That’s a question addressed in a recent article published by the South China Morning Post — or so the headline of the article would have us believe. As Calico discovered, however, just because a headline poses a question, that doesn’t mean the article is going to answer it.
What the hell is all this about pandas, sex and communication? Find out in Calico’s latest post, “Darling, Come Bleat Sweet Nothings In My Ear”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn Movies for Women and Couples
Every so often, I get a chuckle out of remembering a mildly dirty joke my older brother once told me, back when I was a kid. Come to think of it, the chuckle is more at the memory of the joke’s telling than at the joke itself, which relies on dumb stereotypes about the different levels of sexual appetite between men and women.
The joke went something like this: A woman and her husband are at a marriage counselor, seeking to improve their sex life. The counselor tells them the problem is one of communication – specifically, he thinks they need a non-verbal means of communicating with each other about when they would like to have sex vs. when they would not like to have sex.
The woman thinks this is a great idea and immediately comes up with a suggested technique. “If I start to initiate and you want to have sex at the time, you can respond by giving my left breast a gentle squeeze. If you don’t want to have sex right then, you can give the gentle squeeze to my right breast, instead.”
The guy nods and says “That’s great honey! How about this for you: If I initiate and you’re interested, you can just give my penis a single little tug. If you’re not interested, then you can give my penis 8,000 little tugs.”
OK, maybe you had to be there.
Even Among Wildlife, Would-Be Darling Suitors Must be Able to Read the Signs
Why am I thinking about a dumb joke my older brother told me 30+ years ago?
I’ve been reading a lot about the importance of communication in a relationship, especially communicating about sex, although admittedly, the latest thing I’ve read in that area probably won’t be of much help to most people. On the other hand, it might be quite helpful to pandas. No, not sexual harassment pandas – I’m talking about regular, every day, Chinese pandas we’re always encouraging to fuck.
“How do China’s giant pandas know when there’s no chance of sex?” asks the headline of a recent article from the South China Morning Post. The answer, of course, is when the male panda asks for the female panda’s digits and she gives him a fake phone number.
No wait – that’s how my friend Todd knows there’s no chance of sex, not China’s giant pandas.
What’s Black and White and Has an Irritating Way of Saying “I’m Horny, Darling”?
OK, I give up: How DO China’s giant pandas know when there’s no chance of sex?
“It is the equivalent of saying ‘I want you now’. When giant pandas are in the mood for sex, they bleat at each other.”
They bleat at each other? Gee… how romantic.
Still, this only tells me how one panda indicates to another panda they’re is in the mood, not how they know there’s no chance of sex.
“Our findings show that vocal exchanges are crucial for signaling an intention to mate in giant pandas,” said Benjamin Charlton of the San Diego Zoo’s Institute for Conservation Research. “And [the discovery] could provide a valuable tool for breeding programs, helping conservation managers to assess the likelihood of breeding success.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake, South China Morning Post. Nobody asked you how conservation managers asses the likelihood of breeding success! We were promised knowledge concerning how a panda knows she or he is going home frustrated, upon which they will presumably masturbate using a large stalk of bamboo, or something.
“Another finding was that when the female pandas let out with a high-pitched chirp, it generally suggested sex was on the horizon. By contrast, roars and barks usually were a way of saying ‘this courtship is over.’”
Seriously, you guys just aren’t getting it – which is quite odd, because you’re the ones who wrote the headline in the first place.
How Do Giant American Readers Know When There’s No Chance of an Answer?
As I read further, it becomes more and more obvious I’m never going to find out how pandas know there’s no chance of sex. For all I will know by the time I reach the end of this article, pandas might have apps on their smartphones which tell them – or maybe great big panda mood rings to consult.
“Although the function of honks is unknown, it is generally assumed that barks, growls and roars are aggressive calls produced during agonistic encounters. Squeals are produced by subordinate individuals during or after a fight.”
OK, so bleat for horny, bark, growl and/or roar to antagonize and squealing is the Panda equivalent of crying uncle. Got it… but you still haven’t told me how a panda knows when there’s no chance of sex.
“Zhang said the pandas relied heavily on effective communication ‘not only to locate opposite-sexed individuals for mating purposes, but also to overcome their natural avoidance and aggressive tendencies.’”
That’s it, I’m out. Time to go bleat at my husband – and hope he doesn’t bark, growl, honk or squeal in response.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.