In Search of: (Bad) Sex News
Sometimes Calico’s mind takes her in some strange directions. And sometimes, her fingers follow in the same direction, seeking out and exploring things online that Calico normally doesn’t delve into, like celebrity interviews, old press releases from cosmetics companies, reviews of restaurants in cities she’ll probably never visit and sometimes, on very rare occasions, even her work email inbox.
It doesn’t take much to send an easily distracted person like Calico down a rabbit hole, particularly when the opening of the rabbit hole is a google news search for sex — or in this case, bad sex.
Following where this query led her, Calico recently found herself in some unexpected places indeed, seeking out — but never quite finding — the most amusing bad sex anecdote the news search results had to offer.
So, where did Calico’s problematic mind and unscrupulous fingers take her this time? Do other writers ever spend time wondering what kind of dog a pop singer from the 80s might own? And how did superheroes get involved here? Find out in Calico’s latest post, “In Search of: (Bad) Sex News.”
– Calico Rudasill. Sssh.com
I sometimes imagine what my laptop would think of me if it was a thinking, self-aware and possibly slightly judgmental entity.
“Holy shit does this woman do a lot of searches for sex- and porn-related stuff,” it might say to itself. “And what the fuck with the recent obsession with ordering Indian food via GrubHub? Has she lost the ability to use the stove in addition to the inclination?”
Today, my laptop would probably be wondering what the conceptual connective tissue is between ‘bad sex’, a pop singer who was a huge star in the mid-80s, a new superhero movie and people who are afraid of dogs.
The Good News About Bad Sex… or Something
The odd online path I’ve stumbled down today got started when I decided to add the modifier ‘bad’ to my usual daily news search for ‘sex’, just out of curiosity. I can’t remember doing this before, which is very strange, because it seems like such an obvious thing to try when seeking out the sort of tales of love-life-woe experienced by other people that I find thoroughly entertaining for some reason – most likely because I’m just fundamentally a bad person.
Anyway, the first thing I found was an item from The Tulane Hullaballoo – a publication name that clearly inspires immediate confidence in both the gravity and reliability of the information it provides – titled “Stop settling for bad sex.”
I’ve always found this sort of title a bit presumptuous. I mean, how do they know I’m “settling” for bad sex? Maybe I’m someone who hasn’t had sex of any kind in a while and right now I’m aspiring to have bad sex. Ever consider that possibility, Hullaballoo? No, of course you didn’t.
The Hullaballoo article turns out to be more of an advocacy piece in favor of women masturbating, demanding more focus on our pleasure during sexual encounters and things along those lines, which is all fine, but a bit of a letdown if you’re a reader who was hoping for a sort of “millennials spill the beans on their most disappointing one-night stands” kind of read.
Let Me Guess: It Humped His Leg?
My next discovery in on my bad sex quest – wait, that sounds bad; let’s go with bad sex news quest – was an item about Ari Lennox, who was apparently recently interviewed about “bad sex and men being afraid of her dog.”
I must admit, perhaps because I’m “ancient” (to use my niece’s oh-so-kind word) at first I misread Ari’s name as “Annie Lennox” and immediately started picturing what sort of dog Annie Lennox would have. Sweet dreams are made of Yorkies, perhaps?
My next thought was that I really hope the stories Ari has to offer about bad sex and men being afraid of her dog are separate anecdotes, otherwise I think I’m going to end up relating more to the men involved in the tale.
“I’m just bored,” Ari says. “I’m bored! Or, I’ll find someone incredibly interesting and then like, the sex is terrible. And I’m sorry, but that’s important. Or you’re scared of my dog! Like, grow up!”
On the bright side, this didn’t go in the direction I feared it might. On the other hand, there’s also no detail about the terrible sex that has been boring Ari, so it looks like I’ve struck out again in my search for a bad sex news fix.
At Least Nobody Yells “Sexcelsior!” Right?
At this point in my search for bad sex news, I’m in need of rescue. Luckily, there just happens to be a new set of heroes in town: The Eternals. And wouldn’t you know it? The Eternals is in the news because unlike most superhero movies, this one has a sex scene – and according to some, it’s a very bad sex scene.
“It’s not just that the scene is awkward — although it definitely is,” writes Laura Bradley for The Daily Beast. Or that it’s comically brief and bereft of any actual passion. It’s not even that Richard Madden and Gemma Chan, whose characters we’re supposed to believe have been in love for 5,000 years, share about as much chemistry as a gynecologist and their patient during a Pap smear throughout the film.”
OK, it’s none of those things… so, what is it about that makes the scene so bad?
“It seemed to exist solely to make people stop making fun of Marvel for never doing these scenes in the first place,” Bradley continues, “which might be why everything about the moment, from the bored expressions on the actors’ faces to the dull, lifeless cinematography, land like a deep sigh muttering, ‘Well, here you go.’”
OK, so it’s not a story about actual bad sex between two actual people, but it does at least scratch my itch for a description of something sex-related that’s clunky, awkward and miserable.
Oh well, better luck next time. Maybe next week, I’ll try a different adjective in front of “sex.” Do people ever complain about “moribund” sex? Or is that too likely to yield sites filled with super creepy videos I really don’t want to have floating around in my cache?