Frank Zappa's Penis: Is There an Eyebrow Correlation of Any Kind?

Frank Zappa’s Penis: Is There an Eyebrow Correlation of Any Kind?

Warning: This post essentially amounts to Calico musing about how and why she recently found herself wondering how large Frank Zappa’s penis was – a question that is neither topical nor important and is largely of interest to Calico only so far as answering it might prevent her from pondering the subject ever again in the future. You may well find this celebro-phallic speculation uninteresting, disgusting, inane or – if you’re truly in need of professional help – worthy of your own contemplation.

You have been warned people; continue at your own risk.

by Calico Rudasill,

frank zappa penis

Read on…

My Affection for FZ Briefly Explained

If you’ve read my posts over the years, you may have noticed the more than occasional reference to Frank Zappa, one of many artists whose work has, for better or worse, warped my mind, sense of humor and worldview into their current sorry form. 

Perhaps oddly, while I find some of Zappa’s lyrics funny, it’s his music that has always been the big draw for me. Part of what I love about it is the music’s complete defiance of categorization. As Ruth Underwood, a longtime member of Zappa’s recording and touring groups, pointed out in Alex Winter’s Zappa, while it has elements of all these, his music isn’t really rock n’ roll, or jazz, or classical, it’s just… Zappa.

To me, whether you like an artist or not, or think you would have enjoyed sitting in that artist’s company given the opportunity, you must admit, if that artist became a category unto her/his/their self, that’s quite an achievement.

No Wonder Pinocchio Kept Lying!

Anyway, my point is his music is the source of my interest in Zappa, not the size of his penis – about which I know nothing and hadn’t ever thought about before today.

Look, it’s not like I set out to think about the size of Frank Zappa’s penis, it happened in the natural course of utter randomness that is my life. I had just been listening to The Grand Wazoo a few hours earlier when I saw a headline that said: “I’m a doctor and it’s true – a large nose can indicate a man’s penis length.”

“Dr Anthony Youn, a plastic surgeon and social media star, explained that a study found that those with larger noses have an average penile length of 5.3 inches, whilst those with shorter noses will sit at around 4.1 inches,” reports The Mirror.

I have so many questions about this. How did the study define “larger” and “shorter” noses? Shorter than what? If I break my husband’s nose and it swells up, will his penis get bigger, too? If so, will his penis return to normal size later, when the swelling in his nose goes down?

People have often claimed there’s a correlation between hand and/or foot size and penis size (a claim and relationship for which there’s “no scientific support”), but the nose one is new on me. Naturally, once I read the headline, I began searching my memory for anecdotal evidence to support or contradict the claim.

Truth be told, I haven’t been with many men who had what I consider large noses. And unfortunately, of the two men I can think of who would qualify as owners of large noses, neither had a penis that was memorable, one way or the other, for its size.

OK, But How Did Frank Zappa’s Penis Come into This? (And No Pun Intended, or I’d Have Spelled it “Cum”)

OK, so aside from the fact I’d been listening to his music just a few hours before seeing the headline, how did poor Frank Zappa and his penis get involved here? 

For starters, Zappa’s nose was famously prodigious. It was a fact from which Zappa did not shy away, even naming his video company “Honker Home Video” in celebration of his enormous schnoz. 

Second, in the song “Dancin’ Fool”, Zappa sings “One of my legs is shorter than the other and both my feet’s too long” – which is in part a reference to an injury Zappa sustained when he was attacked and thrown off stage in 1971, an incident which temporarily put him in a wheelchair and permanently left him with legs of slightly different length.

Anyhow just take it from me that in my chaotic, messed up, jumps-the-tracks-on-my-train-of-thought-constantly brain, the transition from thinking about long noses, feet and penis size to thinking about Frank Zappa’s penis was an inevitability.

Sadly, even though my brain also managed to remember the story of Cynthia “Plaster” Caster and her collection of celebrity cock moulds, it turns out her cast of Zappa’s penis was never publicly displayed, so all I really have to go on from her ‘firsthand’ observation is secondhand rumor and innuendo.

Oh well. Maybe there’s more definitive data on Owen Wilson?

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