#Humor – Stand By Your Woman – Chandelier Edition
What do you do when someone says something mean about the love of your life? How about if that someone isn’t just anyone, but a newspaper columnist with a big platform, a loud megaphone and at least two or three other metaphors I can’t think of right now at her disposal?
Well, if you’re the woman Amanda Liberty, I’ll tell you what you do: You file a complaint with the Independent Press Standards Organisation accusing the newspaper in question of breaching Clause 12 of the IPSO Editors’ Code of Practice, relating to discrimination.
What did the newspaper say about Amanda’s lover that so enraged her? What kind of discrimination are we talking about here? Will this paragraph end without another lame attempt to build suspense by asking a rhetorical question? Is “rhetorical question” even the right term to use in this context? Find out, maybe, in Calico’s latest post: “Stand By Your Woman – Chandelier Edition”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Adult Movies For Women and Couples
I figure I’m not alone in the sentiment when I say I don’t want other people insulting, denigrating, or rhetorically running down my life partner – because that’s my job, dammit.
You know, as the song says, “You’ll have bad times and he’ll have good times, doing things that you don’t understand… Keep giving all the love you can, stand by your man.”
I figure there’s no reason the song or its sentiment must be gendered as it is currently, as one can easily see making the same sort of case for standing by one’s woman.
And of course, it’s even easier to stand by your woman or man if they literally cannot move under their own power and the only thing they do at all is something that’s really quite easy to understand – like being a famous landmark and architectural achievement in Paris, or providing just the right sort of light for the dining room.
With My Favorite Lamp, it’s More of a Platonic Friendship
I’m not sure when I first heard the term “objectophilia”, but I do recall that after hearing it, inside my brain I expected it to be rendered “Object Ophelia,” or maybe distant-Irish-relative-style like “Object O’Fidléir.”
I can also vaguely remember hearing the story of Erika Eiffel, the Olympic archer who took the Eiffel Tower’s surname after marrying it in 2007. Somehow, though, I’d missed entirely the tale of Amanda Liberty and her beloved chandelier, Lumiere.
“As soon as I saw Lumiere on eBay, I knew immediately that she was the one for me and it was love at first sight,” Amanda said back in 2017. “She was based in Germany and although I knew it would be tricky to get her home, I knew I needed to find a way to make her mine.”
Now, you might be tempted to believe that because Amanda referred to her as “the one for me” that this was to be a purely monogamous relationship, albeit an unconventional one. But, as it turns out, Amanda had not one, not two, but 24 other chandelier lovers with whom she was in an “open relationship.”
We can only hope Amanda let Lumiere in on the polyamorous nature of hew objectophilia before asking her new love to be disassembled for shipping, crammed into a cardboard box and roughly handled by strangers on the voyage over from Germany.
Woman: Them’s Fightin’ Words!
At any rate, that wasn’t to be the last we heard of Amanda and Lumiere – not when the English media had to go and be mean about it all.
As reported by Metro.co.uk: “Ms. Liberty, from Leeds, was featured in the Sun when columnist Jane Moore wrote an annual ‘awards’ column for 2019. She awarded her the ‘Dagenham Award (Two Stops Past Barking)’, saying she had married a chandelier-style light fitting and asked whether she was ‘Dim & Dimmer?’”
As you can imagine, having her love affair Lumiere ridiculed thusly was enough to make Amanda go through the ceiling (hopefully without damaging any of her girlfriends along the way). No way was Amanda going to take this lying down!
So, Amanda did what any loving partner would do in similarly unlikely circumstances – she filed a complaint with the Independent Press Standards Organization (“IPSO”), alleging the Sun had “breached Clause 12 of its Editors’ Code of Practice, relating to discrimination.”
In her complaint, Amanda said the article was “pejorative to her sexual orientation as a woman” – and besides, she wasn’t married to Lumiere, she was merely dating Lumiere and hadn’t yet followed through on the long-anticipated commitment ceremony, so the article was misleading in addition to being insulting.
Justice Dimmed is Justice Denied
Alas, IPSO didn’t want to hear it. Amanda’s complaint was denied, and the Sun’s misleading mockery was permitted to stand, without being called to account for their… um… objectophiliaphobia?
“Clause 12 provides protection to individuals in relation to their sexual orientation towards other persons and not to objects,” those heartless IPSO drones determined. “As such, the complainant’s attraction to an object did not fall within the definition of sexual orientation as provided by Clause 12 and the terms of Clause 12 were not engaged.”
IPSO came to this conclusion despite recognizing the fact “the complainant found the article to be offensive and upsetting”, because the IPSO ethical code “does not cover issues of taste and offence – newspapers are free to publish information as they see fit as long as the Editors’ Code is not otherwise breached.”
Take heart Amanda: Someday your cause will have its day. But it’s going to take a lot of effort and a lot of in-your-face object-sexuality activism to get the tabloid media fat cats and their corrupt overseers at IPSO to come around.
That’s right – come on all ye objectophiles: Out of the foyer and into the streets! Who’s hutch? OUR HUTCH!
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