I’ll Never Again Yell at a Cricket for Keeping Me Awake
Have you ever yelled at a noisy cricket for chirping away in your bedroom while you’re trying to fall asleep. More to the point, have you ever hurled your shoes, pocketbook and anything else you had handy in the direction of the chirping, hoping to score a lucky, sleep-enabling direct hit?
Well, if you think crickets bother us, wait until you read about the impact the noises we make are having on their lives. No matter how irritating you might find crickets to be, I’m guessing you’ve never accidentally hooked up with a highly regrettable sexual partner because of cricket noise, or mistaken a total loser for a serious catch, then gone on to mate with the loser, only coming to realize what a loser he is the next time you manage to get a little peace and quiet.
What the hell am I talking about? What makes a cricket a “loser”? What does any of this have to do with Nickelback? There’s only one place to find out the answers to those questions — or maybe there’s a lot of places you can find the answers, but none of them are as convenient as just scrolling further down the page, where you can read Calico’s new post: “I’ll Never Again Yell at a Cricket for Keeping Me Awake.”
– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com – Porn that will keep you awake!
While I generally consider myself a lover of all creatures great and small, there are certain exceptions to my affection for the denizens of the critter kingdom.
Pack rats, for example. I mean sure, they’re quite cute, but my appreciation for their cuteness faded quite a bit after one of them chewed through some important wires and other components of my car’s engine, resulting in over $1500 worth of damage.
Cockroaches are another creature of which I’m not so fond, but I suppose nobody likes cockroaches – well, almost nobody.
Mosquitos? Yeah, they can fuck right off, too. If they didn’t spread disease and insist on leaving behind itchy little bumps in each spot on my body as they fly about repeatedly stinging me, maybe I’d feel differently. Honestly though, spreading disease and making people scratch themselves bloody seems not only to be something mosquitos do, but their very reason for existence.
And I Thought the Sounds THEY Make Were a Problem?
Until recently, I was not real big on crickets, either. And while most of the time I’m not bothered at all by crickets, or the sounds they make, that all changes at bedtime. Once I turn out the lights, you’d better have a damn good reason to make a sound in my house, be you human, cat, or bug.
As it turns out, however, the extent to which noisy crickets have made my life a drag on occasion pales in comparison to the impact I’ve been having, albeit unwittingly, on their sex lives.
“Noise Pollution Interrupts Crickets’ Sex Lives,” reports Smithsonian magazine.
“A study published this week in Behavioral Ecology detailed how female Mediterranean field crickets (Gryllus bimaculatus) are more likely to choose a lower quality male to mate with when distracted by traffic noise.”
Ho. Ly. Shit.
You mean to tell me all these years I’ve been complaining about crickets keeping me awake, I’ve been screwing up their love lives just by driving around in my car? Making matters worse, I’m not just messing with their ability to get laid, I’m causing them to choose substandard mates?
If I Switch to a Nice, Quiet Prius, Will Their Love Lives Improve?
Lady crickets, I am so sincerely sorry right now – especially if it was one of you lady crickets I smashed with my tennis shoe a few weeks back, rather than a particularly lippy bug-boyfriend of yours.
If you’ve had a sexual encounter interrupted by an ill-timed intrusion of a child, or an important work call, or in furtherance of following the advice of a “sexpert,” then you probably have some idea how lady crickets feel – except now also imagine that having your encounter interrupted was followed by finding yourself wed to some unredeemable loser.
“Female crickets can tell male cricket qualities and fitness through their courtship songs and decide their mate based on this intel,” the Smithsonian article continues. “Previous cricket studies have shown that female crickets are less likely to mate with a male cricket that has a mediocre courtship song.”
In other words, the noises we humans make could mean the difference between a lady cricket hooking up with a high-quality insect crooner, like the cricket version of Leslie Odom Jr., and a low quality bug vocalist, like the cricket version Chad Kroeger – or, god forbid, the cricket version of Keith Beukelaer.
I don’t know about you, but I had no idea that all this time, my petty little complaints about cricket noise were not only shared in reverse by lady crickets, but that the severity of my complaint absolutely pales in comparison to theirs.
In the Absence of an Actual Solution, How About Some Dessert?
While I’m glad scientists have brought this to our attention, I’m not yet seeing much in the way of solutions being offered. Should we all drive quieter cars? Should all concerts be performed “unplugged,” or would being able to hear James Hetfield more clearly simply make matters worse for lady crickets?
Until those questions are answered, I figure the very least I can do is not through my shoes in the direction of chirping crickets when I’m trying to fall asleep. Hell, maybe I’ll even put out a dish of tropical fish flakes as an apology-treat.
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