Humor – Alternative Solutions to Loud Neighbor Sex
For all the talk of ‘good neighbors’ (who, apparently, “are there” just like an insurance company, or something), much of what Calico hears about people’s neighbors comes in the form of complaints. The neighbors don’t maintain their lawn, or their dog barks too much, or they “appear to be building some sort of massive explosive device” — or, worst of all, they have loud sex all the time!
In a recent letter to The Guardian, one reader complains about the neighbors and their noisy sex, but all the advice columnist has to offer in response is to try making in person the same tame request to pipe down that has already been requested in passive-aggressive note-from-neighbor form.
This polite British stuff simply will not do when dealing with a neighbor whose loudness is caused by having thoroughly enjoyable sex. No, to deal with that sort of unforgivable rudeness, one has to pull out the big guns — or perhaps the big amplifiers.
What the hell sort of terrible advice is Calico dishing out this time? See for yourself in her latest post, “Alternative Solutions to Noisy Neighbor Sex.”
– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com – Noisy Porn Movies for Women and Couples
As a college student, I found myself stuck with overly noisy neighbors on several occasions. For the most part, I avoided direct confrontation with these neighbors, especially in cases where they were frat boys prone to retaliation by a disgusting prank, in part because I value my shoes too much to risk damaging them by stepping unwittingly on flaming bags of poop.
One thing I never found myself too bothered by, however, was my neighbors having loud sex. This is not to say I never had neighbors who engaged in loud sex – I had several of those over the years – just that it never rankled me very much.
Sure, I occasionally got a twinge of jealousy over the sounds emanating from my neighbor’s half of the duplex when she was clearly having a hell of a time while I was stuck watching David Letterman with nobody to accompany me except Ben and Jerry (mmm… Chubby Hubby), but my response never rose to anger, or even serious agitation.
If the Apartment is A-Rockin, Don’t Bother Passive Aggressive Note Writin’
Many neighbors aren’t as sanguine about having well-and-loudly-sexed folks living next door though, as evidenced by a recent letter to The Guardian from a Brit who is clearly quite bothered by her neighbors being hot and bothered.
“I’m at a loss as to what to do about my neighbors’ loud sex,” the aggrieved author wrote. “I’ve written them a note, being kind, saying I can hear everything, but it is still as frequent and as loud.”
That must have been quite a note to receive. What did it say, I wonder? “When you lot are shagging, I can hear everything” perhaps? Or was it a vaguer missive – “these thin walls leave little to the auditory imagination, you know”? I suppose since the letter didn’t do the trick, it doesn’t matter what it said – so let’s get back to the irritated Guardian reader.
“I get quite angry when they start having sex when I’m watching TV, or when I get woken early by the girlfriend moaning,” the letter continues. “Earplugs aren’t an option. I’m torn between feeling like I’m an intolerant neighbor, but also feeling quite violated in my space.”
Well that does suck – especially the part about feeling violated. I’m not sure the advice offered by Pamela Stephenson Connolly will be of much help.
This is No Time for Politeness, Pam
“First, speak to your neighbors in person,” Connolly advises. “You don’t have to be too specific – just say the walls are so thin you can hear everything. They should certainly respect your feelings of violation, so gently ask them to pipe it down.”
In other words, try the same stuff you wrote in your note, but do it in person? That’s some weak shit right there, Pam.
This is British politeness run amok, if you ask me. And while I wouldn’t necessarily leap to the sort of New Yorker solution described by Spalding Grey in the classic scene from Swimming to Cambodia, I do think a more direct and forceful response may be required here.
If It’s Sonic Warfare You Want, The Guitarist Next Door is Formidable Foe
My first suggestion comes from my husband, who told me how he dealt with some excessively loud neighbors in his youth. Evidently, his neighbors (with whom he shared an interior wall) were cranking their stereo while he was trying to study – and after he went next door to ask them to turn down the music, they responded by turning it up. Given that going to the library was an option, my husband responded with a sort of “sonic warfare” he would not have been able to tolerate himself, had he been stuck in the same room with it.
First, while wearing headphones to assure nobody else could hear what he was up to, he created a 30-second loop of what he describes as “the worst, most god-awful, atonal guitar noise you can possibly imagine,” then connected his looping device to a “Marshall stack” (a manner of amplifier which he assures me is almost intolerably loud at peak volume), turned the amplifier toward their shared wall… then rode his bicycle to the library, where he proceeded to study for several hours in peace before returning home to find a collection of dumbfounded looking young men standing in his front yard.
Can’t Play the Guitar? Informercials to the Rescue!
The above seems like a great solution to me – except there’s no guarantee that the aggrieved neighbor in this instance happens to own a Marshall stack (or a guitar to plug into one, for that matter), and those things seem like an expensive investment just to drown out a neighbor’s sex noise.
From the letter, we do know this person owns a television set – and it’s the loud sex noises during TV time that are part of the problem here.
To me, the obvious answer is to turn up the TV, not just loud enough to drown out the noise next door and allow the viewer to enjoy the program, but so loud the neighbors can no longer enjoy their sex.
Not all TV shows will work for this purpose, naturally, and some may even enhance your neighbor’s enjoyment. So, what you need is one of those old Billy Mays infomercials in which he screamed about Orange Clean, or shouted about Kaboom, or hollered about OxiClean, or maybe a massive compilation of his greatest hits.
Of course, if making them submit by sonic warfare doesn’t work, there’s always noise-cancelling headphones.
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