You Had Me At Kim Jong-un's Porn Balloons

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women

As any reader of my work knows, I’m a sucker for a good, juicy headline, regardless of the topic being addressed.

From compelling philosophical questions (“Why does my new couch have marijuana in it?”) to unlikely,  somewhat typo-blemished true crime stories from the ‘cold case’ file (“Drink-driver stuns police by confessing to 25-year-old murder”), nothing grabs my attention like a startling claim delivered in a single line of often confusing, sometimes alarming text.

Read on…

Naturally, few single words can juice up a headline as efficiently and effectively as the word “porn.” Thankfully for us fans of salacious headlines, the modern media loves the word, too, even going to great lengths to use it in contexts where it doesn’t belong, like stories which reference desirable pieces of real estate (“house porn”), certain types of reality TV shows (“poverty porn”) or even something as mundane as the weather maps (“map porn,” of course).

In some cases, a headline is so damn good, I don’t care how far the author must stretch the definition of porn to incorporate the word into a headline, because it’s well worth the effort. I ran across one such headline recently: “Kim Jong-un’s PORN BALLOONS bombard South Korea with these raunchy propaganda leaflets.”

Wherever this story might go from this very promising start, the world’s weird headline-lovers already thank you profusely, Daily Star.

Evidently, North Korean Manga Needs Some Work

Looking at the imagery which caused the Daily Star to describe the parachuted propaganda as pornographic, several things immediately become clear.

First, the artist who drew it really wanted to emphasize former South Korean president Park Geun-hye’s shoulder blades. Either that, or he has a very strange way of depicting female breasts.

Second, I think it’s safe to say any currently-popular Japanese manga artist isn’t too worried about their job being outsourced to North Korea in the future – unless of course there’s a popular manga sub-niche dedicated to weird looking shoulder blades which has hitherto escaped my attention.

While we’re on the subject of possibly overstretched definitions, describing the aerial vehicles which delivered the fliers as “balloons” seems generous in light of the photographic evidence, as well. To me, those look like giant plastic produce bags from a grocery store which have been tied in a knot on one end. In other words, they’re less like balloons and more like the sort of parachute to which one should never entrust her life (or her porn, for that matter).

Hopefully, This Starts An International Trend

This may seem strange, but part of me hopes our government views this incident as reason to develop cross-border “pornpaganda” methods and systems of our own. With our technological sophistication (including our far superior actual balloons) and vast experience with pornography production, we could turn northern Mexico or southern Canada into the largest open-air porn markets in history without breaking a sweat.

Of course, before we start bombarding our neighbors with politico-porn, we first need to figure out what our message should be. Making fun of past leaders of Mexico and Canada seems unwarranted, and we’d probably just embarrass ourselves by confusing political leaders with more famous Mexicans and Canadians. After all, the last thing the U.S. needs right now is to be mocked for referencing imaginary past scandals involving “Prime Minister Gretzky” or, even worse, “Presidente Porcel.”

Then again, with ‘fake news’ being all the rage these days, maybe blatantly making up stuff about foreign leaders is the way to go, especially given how unlikely it is any of our neighbors would respond with military force.

If we go down the fake news route, the first strike is obvious: A smutty little photoshop job depicting an erotic entwining of Enrique Peña Nieto and Alicia Machado, perhaps attended by a little caption which reads: “İUsted pagará por nuestra pared grande, hermosa!”

The question of what sort of porn-augmented political ‘burn’ we should send Canada’s way is less clear to me, though. Part of the problem is my ignorance of Canadian politics. They do have political scandals up there, right? Something involving government waste of the country’s precious maple syrup resources, maybe?

The biggest recent Canadian political scandal I could find was this thing some people have taken to calling “Khangate,” but I don’t think the Trump Administration will want to put that moniker on a politico-porn propaganda flier, because the scandal’s name has some unfortunate echoes from Mr. Trump’s perspective.

Regardless of what sort of materials we eventually porn-balloon-bomb Mexico and Canada with, there will be one challenge involved which may prove insurmountable: Coming up with a better headline for the news reports than “Kim Jong-un’s PORN BALLOONS bombard South Korea with these raunchy propaganda leaflets.”

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