Game of Thrones – I Just Can’t Masturbate To Dragons

By Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women and Couples

At the risk of revealing just how out of touch with pop culture I have become, I must admit I’ve never watched (or read) Game of Thrones. I’ve seen a few trailers, I’ve seen parodies of it – which, naturally, went sailing right over my head – and I’ve read about six thousand articles in which porn and GOT are paired together for various reasons, but I’ve never actually watched the show.

game of thrones dragon

This fact drives my older sister nuts, because as she puts it: “This show was made for you.”

Read on…

She says this because my sister knows I’m a lifelong fantasy and sci-fi nerd, a girl who once read the entire Foundation series in a few weeks of marathon reading sessions – a girl who even spent hours playing “Dungeons & Dragons” with her equally nerdy male friends, rather than going to keg parties, football games, shopping malls and other places where proper teenage-girl-person socializing apparently took place.

To be clear, I’m not going out of my way to not watch GOT. It just so happens I’m not an HBO subscriber, don’t know anybody who owns the series on DVD from whom I could borrow it and I’m just paranoid enough to think if I illegally download the show, I’ll wind up with a crippling computer virus and a cordial invitation from HBO to settle a copyright infringement claim.

Plus, for as much as I hear about the show being packed with sex, I’ve just never been able to masturbate to dragons – not even Smaug voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch.

There’s A Porn For That

Call me lazy, unoriginal and lacking in creativity (actually, don’t – that’s my husband’s job), but when I feel the need for visual stimulation to augment my favorite hobby, masturbation, I tend to cut to the chase and fire up some porn.
Granted, if what you’re looking for as a backdrop to your masturbation is an elaborate set piece which costs more than the annual budget of the average gonzo porn studio, or CGI which doesn’t look like it was rendered in the early 90s, you’re going to have a tough time finding porn equipped with such.

My porn tastes, I’ll be the first to concede, are a bit pedestrian. I want a reasonably attractive male performer, a female performer who doesn’t look like Pam Anderson (or sound like Fran Drescher) and reasonably gymnastics-free sex acts which don’t make me feel like I’m watching an old episode of Jackass in which Johnny Knoxville has been digitally replaced with Manuel Ferrara.

Maybe it’s a terrible assumption on my part, but I have this gut feeling the sex scenes in GOT are like Digital Age version of the orgy sequences in Caligula, a truly godawful film which somehow managed to be over the top and crushingly dull at the same time.

Caligula (1979) With Helen Mirran

Now, if there’s ever a sex scene in GOT in which Aiden Gillen is giving Peter Dinklage a handjob, only to have a massive dragon swoop in and swallow both men whole, that I would watch.

I still wouldn’t masturbate while watching such a scene, mind you, but you have to admit, it would be quite a sight to behold.

‘Mainstream’ + Nudity = Compelling?

While it has nothing to do with me watching or not watching GOT, I’ve always found it fascinating how much of a draw nudity and almost-explicit sex is for audiences – even now, in an age when bona fide porn is available at the touch of a button.

When I was young, the siren’s song effect of mainstream movie nudity on the guys around me made a lot more sense. Back then, getting access to porn meant scouring their father’s dresser drawers and forbidden areas of the master bedroom closet – and usually all it yielded was a Playboy or Penthouse, or if their dad was really hardcore, a Hustler.

I guess what it comes down to is the old cliché about people most wanting what they can’t have – which in this context means sexually-explicit performances by people who are famous for reasons other than their previous sexually-explicit performances.

In fact, I’ll bet the nudity of every single one of the celebrities whose privacy was horribly invaded during “The Fappening” would get a lot less interesting to the people who downloaded those images with each recurrence of seeing them nude. To put it in math-like terms, the attraction of any given celebrity’s nudity decreases in direct proportion to the number of times it is witnessed.

Honestly, I don’t know if my theory of diminishing returns on celeb nudity has any merit – but I guess we all might find out, if a certain ‘teen mom’ keeps doing porn.

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