I’d Like To Keep The Word “Hack” Far Away From My Body, Thanks

Everybody loves a life hack, from turning tennis balls into handy, smiley-faced containers to a thousand different ways to employ binder clips as anything other than binder clips. Not all ‘hacks’ are created equal, though — and some of them are just straight up creepy.

One form of hack that gives Calico the willies is “biohacking,” which often takes the form of people dreaming up tech-related things they can inject, insert or otherwise introduce into their body to (allegedly) modify or enhance their personal health, performance or appearance. As weird-ass fate would have it, one recently ‘innovated’ biohack involves men injecting stem cells into their penises as a way to treat erectile dysfunction.

On the one hand, Calico thinks whatever a man wants to shoot up into his dick is his own business. On the other hand, she worries that if we continue down this dick-related biohacking road, it’s all going to end with Alice from Resident Evil wandering the planet shooting at zombies with massive, monster-faced erections.

Read about Calico’s biohack-driven angst in her latest post, “I’d Like To Keep The Word ‘Hack’ Far Away From My Body, Thanks.”

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn for Women

I get that “life hacks” can be useful and that people love to share tips about things like using old CD spindles as bagel totes, or turning a pants hanger into a cookbook holder. Hell, I’ve even adopted a few of these hacks myself, including several different applications for binder clips.

There are other manners of ‘hack,’ however, with which I want nothing to do. Specifically, I’m referring to biohacking – which this definition politely describes as “the application of IT hacks to biological systems,” also noting that biohacking “encompasses a wide spectrum of DIY IT projects and ideas.”

Does This Involve the T-Virus, Somehow?

As I already mentioned, my discomfort with biohacking starts with the term. Offhand, it sounds like something Alice should be trying to prevent the Umbrella Corporation from doing, or maybe an upcoming sequel in the Friday the 13th franchise wherein Jason Voorhees takes revenge on a former high school science teacher of his who he particularly disliked.

Plus, given that biohacking is something people often to do their own bodies… well, speaking of Jason Voorhees, I’d just prefer to keep the word ‘hack’ in any form as far away from my body as possible, if it’s all the same to you.

Sometimes, I Forget to Use My ‘Inside Voice’

On the bright side, when I ran across the biohack which most recently creeped me out – one in which guys are injecting stem cells into their dicks to combat problems with erectile dysfunction – did give me the opportunity to embarrass my husband in public.

Sitting at a café after finishing a delightful breakfast, I spotted the post linked to above while reading on my tablet. Without thinking, I suddenly and excitedly exclaimed, quite a bit louder than I’d intended “Hey honey, if you develop erectile dysfunction, would you be willing to treat it by injecting stem cells into your prick?”

The waiter, who had approached without me noticing to refill our coffees, raised his eyebrows and looked at my husband, clearly just as curious as I was about his response.

My husband looked over at me, furrowed his brow, squinted slightly and responded: “I’m sorry; do I know you, ma’am?”

Not a bad comeback, all things considered.

Anyway, Back to Those Stem Cell-Injected Dicks Hack…

“In this episode today, we’re going to talk about what stem cells can do to promote wood in your pencil,” Dave Asbrey, the founder of Bulletproof Coffee, said in explaining the subject of his interview with Dr. Amy Killen.

Truth be told, much of this interview had little to do with guys shooting up stem cells into their John Hancocks, but Asbrey and Killen did eventually get around to thrust of the issue.

“(Erections) are complex, but like anything in your body, the cells that allow you to have erections, the smooth muscle cells and the cells that line the blood vessels, they age,” Killen said. “In some cases, you get [inaudible] and you get apoptosis of the smooth muscle cells. That’s one of the things that causes erectile dysfunction, so if you can do something… or some things, maybe multiple things, which is what I like to do… to try to keep those cells alive longer or to induce new cells coming in, new stem cells that can increase blood flow and increase nerve response, then you have the ability potentially to improve symptoms of erectile dysfunction.”

You hear that, honey? If you inject stem cells into your willy, and then maybe do something else, or possibly several somethings else, you will “have the ability potentially to improve symptoms of erectile dysfunction”!

I mean, why take an into-mouth pill which will work, when you can get an into-penis injection that might work, right?

Sadly, when I ran that logic by my husband, he didn’t find it persuasive. I’ll tell you, that man is just so close minded sometimes – and it only gets worse when my suggestions involve sharp things being inserted into his Johnson.

Weird, right?