Everywhere she turns, it seems like someone is trying to tell Calico what “her thing” is, including zodiac advice. Whether it’s advertisers and marketers, self-help gurus, family members, or funk bands from the 60s, everybody wants to have their say on Calico’s thing.
Even in some of the places where she seeks refuge from the demands and expectations of daily life, she still encounters feedback from pushy people who want to weigh in on her thing. The trend has now even invaded Calico’s weekend sex horoscope — a horoscope which manages to leave her with more questions than answers, even as it seeks to define her thing!
What is Calico’s thing, anyway? Does she at least retain the right to decide to whom to “sock it” as the old song suggests? And what the fuck does it mean when Mercury enters Aquarius, only to pull back out of before Aquarius is anywhere near satisfied? Read all about it in Calico’s latest missive “I’m So Relieved To Hear Relationships Are ‘My Thing’ Right Now.”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Entertainment For Women and Couples
It seems like people are always trying to tell me what “my thing” is, or what I should do with my thing, or just keep asking me what my thing might be.
Sometimes it’s advertisers who don’t really specify what my thing is, they just claim to offer more for it. Other times it’s someone telling me what my thing is (I’m not the only one this happens to, obviously) and/or how to fix that thing.
Honestly, the only bit of feedback I’ve ever received about my thing that I truly appreciated came from the Isley Brothers – who at least have the decency to acknowledge that my thing is mine and I’m the only one who gets to decide what I do with it.
Now, even my sex horoscope zodiac provider is telling me what my thing is – and wouldn’t you know it, my thing turns out to be decidedly temporary!
The Good News Is, My Weekend Will Get Better as It Goes Along
Sample Zodiac prediction: “This weekend starts off dull for you, Leo, thanks to the Capricorn moon illuminating your chart’s zone of work and obligations.”
That’s how my sex horoscope for the weekend begins. Sounds wonderful, right? I mean, there’s nothing better than dull sex when it comes to making me appreciate a good Saturday night Netflix binge. Maybe I’ll even let my dull sex partner make me some popcorn.
The good news is, the weekend will get better after that dull start.
“Venus and shocking Uranus connect on Saturday, promising big surprises and shake-ups in your love/sex life!”
Hmm. Speaking of ‘my thing,’ whatever my thing may be, it absolutely does NOT have anything to do with shocking anybody’s anus – even if you get all slick and cool on me and spell it “Uranus.”
“A new potential lover may enter the picture, or you have some especially kinky playtime with your partner.”
Well, since I’m married and keen to stay that way, I think it’s safe the potential new lover who enters the picture is going to be very disappointed when I tell him to exit said picture by the most efficient available means.
And There It Is: Telling Me What ‘My Thing’ Is, Again.
On the one hand, I appreciate knowing that when Uranus, “the zodiac’s mover-and-shaker” is at play in my sex zodiac horoscope, that means I must “expect the unexpected” – and I definitely like to hear that “this week its energy is good vibes only.”
On the other hand, my horoscope is about to join the list of people and things trying to define “my thing” for me.
“Relationships are your ‘thing’ right now, since it’s Aquarius season, and Mercury in Aquarius has you chatting up a storm with your crush on Sunday, along with the moon in Aquarius.”
Relationships are my thing “right now,” you say? Does that mean by next week, relationships may no longer be my thing? What’s going to happen – Mercury will no longer be in Aquarius, perhaps having pulled out to ejaculate?
Of Commitment, Connections and Fickle-As-Fuck Zodiacal Signs
By way of explanation, my horoscope says on that same Sunday, “Venus exits Sagittarius (in your chart’s sex/romance zone) and enters earthy Capricorn, in your chart’s workplace sector.”
So… should I wear red? Buy stock in Apple? WTF does it mean to have my Venus exit Sagittarius?
Is it going to replace Mercury in my Aquarius? Are Venus and Mercury going to elope and run off to join the Zodiacal Circus?
“All of a sudden, you want to deepen your connections and maybe commit to your current paramour. In classic Capricorn fashion, you now view your relationship as a project to take on and develop. You’re in it for the long-haul!”
Oh good – my husband will be very relieved to hear that, only 17 years into our marriage, I have “maybe” decided to commit to him.
Now, if we can just figure out where Mercury and Venus are headed, or whether they will soon re-enter their respective fellow signs, maybe I can have an anxiety-free Saturday night Netflix binge.
Does anybody know if the Isley Brothers offer sex horoscopes?
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
Latest posts by Calico Rudasil (see all)
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- There Must Be Many Americans Thinking About Sex Zero Times Per Day - July 20, 2019