Lady Spiders: Boy, Have I Got a Kink Suggestion for You!
– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com
Typically, I’m one to root for the underdog. Is California Baptist University playing Duke in the NCAA tournament? You better believe I’m pulling for CBU. Go Baptists!
What’s that you say? CBU are called the “Lancers”, not the Baptists? That’s a shame; I quite like the idea of rooting for the “Mighty Baptists”, or the “Fightin’ Baptists”, or possibly the “Certainly Not Dancing Baptists.”
Why Do We Root for the Underdog?
Where was I? Oh yes: Rooting for the underdog.
I’m hardly unique in this proclivity, of course. There’s a variety of theories as to why it’s commonplace, each of which has its own merits. Personally, I think the reason I root for underdogs is that I’m not entirely sure what an “overdog” is, other than it sounds like the sort of pet Friedrich Nietzsche might have owned.
The true difficulty comes when two teams I don’t like are playing each other. What’s a Liverpool-supporting girl to do, for example, when Manchester United faces off against Everton? I’m not ghoulish enough to hope their team buses collide and burst into flames on the way to Old Trafford, after all. Thankfully, at least in league games, there’s always the possibility of a draw that will leave both their fan bases at least somewhat miserable.
Exceptions to the Rule
There are exceptions to my tendency to root for the underdog. If Arizona State is predicted to lose a basketball game by 10 points, I don’t suddenly become an ASU fan – I put my energy into hoping they lose by 20.
I will also pull for the team favored by Las Vegas if I simply identify more with that team than I do with their opponents. This brings me to latest squad I’ve decided to back – the Fightin’ Lady Spiders.
While it’s not true that much-maligned lady spiders, like black widows, always kill (and/or eat) their mates after sex, they do it often enough that I don’t think black widows can complain too much about their reputations.
I’ve always admired this trait in certain lady spiders, even if I can only think of about a half dozen former lovers I would have murdered, had I the ability to just sting them and be done with it. To be honest, I don’t think I would have eaten any of them, because the only parts of them I put in my mouth didn’t taste particularly good.
In Every Contest, Tactics Evolve
As it turns out, some male spiders aren’t real into being eaten and have developed a technique for avoiding this fate. As reported by Gizmodo, these male spiders “launch themselves at great speed off their cannibalistic female partners, to avoid being eaten after copulating.” Gizmodo adds that the “way they make their egress is similar to the mechanism at play in catapults.”
You’ve got to hand it to these spider-fellows, because as means of avoiding post-coital cuddling go, that technique far more effective than simply telling someone you have to work first thing in the morning. I’m sure more than one man I’ve been with wished he could have simply launched himself out my bedroom window upon completion of the deed – possibly not even waiting until he’d finished ejaculating.
On the other hand, I’m sure the lady spiders involved have solid reasons for killing their mates, when they do so. Maybe that mate is an abusive jerk. Maybe he refuses to do his part around the web. Maybe he’s been sleeping with other lady spiders on the sly, catapulting from place to place like a true Spida Playa.
A Countermove to the Countermove
The good news is, I have a solution for these lady spiders, one that I think is absolutely made for them. To defeat this catapulting nonsense, lady spiders simply need to embrace the practice of bondage. Heck, they even have the ability to spin their own rope!
Granted, the lady spiders will also need to persuade their mates to give bondage a shot – and given that these guys are already wary enough to have evolved this catapulting ability, it sounds like there might be some sticky trust issues to overcome…
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