Humor: Gee, I’m SHOCKED That Didn’t Improve Your Sex Life

Humor: Gee, I’m SHOCKED That Didn’t Improve Your Sex Life

– Calico Rudasill, porn for women

sex life

Before meeting the man who would later become my husband, I had only been in two other relationships I would categorize as “serious.” To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how seriously I took those relationships, even while they were in effect, but they still qualify as serious because they were relatively long, involved some degree of cohabitation and ended with the kind of angst and drama that defy “casual” as a descriptor.

Communicating About Sex is Important, But Not Without Risk

One of the primary reasons the latter of those two relationships collapsed was sexual incompatibility. Somewhat oddly, this incompatibility was something that developed over time, as what began as a reasonably satisfying sex live for both of us descended into a kind of ritual of resentment and mutual aloofness.

At one point, I tried to confront the glowering, frustrated elephant in the room by engaging Dylan, my then-boyfriend, in a constructive conversation about our sex life and what had gone wrong with it. To put it mildly, this didn’t go well.

From the outset, Dylan’s response was to react as though I was blaming the declining quality of our sex life on him, even though I began by expressly asking if there was something I was doing – or not doing – that was making him enjoy the sex less.

Finally, Dylan just blurted it out: “I don’t want to be an asshole” – a statement that, in my experience, always presages the person who just said being an asshole – “but sex with Jess (his fairly recent ex) was just better. Way better, actually.”

Wow, Dylan. Good thing you mentioned that you don’t want to be an asshole, because that sure was a rock-solid impersonation of one.

Allow Me This Brief Rebuttal: GTFO.

As a person who often advises people that communicating with their partners about sex is the best way to assure an optimal sexual relationship, it’s important for me to acknowledge that communicating with your partner about sex is, on occasion, the surest way to end that sex life, altogether.

That’s what my conversation with Dylan became – the end of our sex life and our broader relationship. The issue wasn’t so much that I was hurt by him saying sex with his ex was better; it was the knowledge that he knew it would hurt me to hear it, knew it wouldn’t benefit our sex life at all, and the motherfucker just went ahead and said it anyway.

Naturally, as soon as I told Dylan he could take his things and immediately remove himself from my house (I paid the rent while he invented new ways to not get a job on a monthly basis), he did that irritating thing many guys who have just fucked up very badly do: get all tearful, swear on his mother’s life that he didn’t mean it and literally beg me to reconsider what was, unfortunately for Dylan, a very final decision.

Ultimately, even though in the short term it led to much weeping and gnashing of horribly spoiled, deeply entitled teeth, communicating with Dylan about our sex life was still a good thing to do. The conversation hastened that useless lout’s departure from my world and cleared the way for kinder and more sensitive (and sensible) partners to follow.

Your Ex’s Name Isn’t Dylan, By Chance?

The reason Dylan and his no good, very bad approach to communicating with me about our sex life has come to mind for me is a recent letter to the Washington Post’s Carolyn Hax, in which the letter writer plays the Dylan to her partner’s me, so to speak.

“I recently told my partner that sex with them has never been as good as sex with my ex,” writes a woman who identifies herself as Angela. “I was angry and I wanted to hurt them and I said it. Maybe I enjoyed telling them that, too. It made me feel sexy.”

Don’t tell me, Angela, let me guess: Telling your partner this has benefited neither your sex life nor your relationship in general, right?

“Now I regret it, because they haven’t been able to enjoy sex with me since,” Angela continues.

No way. Color me shocked.

“They keep trying, but it always falls apart, because they assume that, during sex, I am thinking of how I would rather be with my ex.”

Well, where would they ever have gotten that crazy idea? Oh… Right.

“Is there a way to fix this?”

Good question, Angela. Only one idea comes immediately to mind, but before I offer the suggestion, an important question: Do you still have your ex’s number saved in your phone?

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