Sex Disruptor Pets: This List is Missing a Few Species

Sex Disruptor Pets: This List is Missing a Few Species

– Calico Rudasill, Porn Movies For Women

crazy cat lady

I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked whether I’m a “dog person” or a “cat person” – a dichotomy I thoroughly reject, as someone who loves both cats and dogs and is equally comfortable with the idea of becoming the Crazy Cat Lady or That Woman Who Walks a Whole Pack of Dogs through the Neighborhood.

I also think the dog person/cat person question ignores a big universe of non-feline and non-canine pet types that people who are asked this question might enjoy, from horses and tropical fish to all manner of rodents, reptiles and raptors

It’s a Dog-Eats-Dog World – Unless You Have a Komodo Dragon. Then It’s a Dragon-Eats-Dog World

To be clear, whether I think it’s a good idea to own these other animal types as pets (or fair, or one bit enjoyable to the animal involved) is another question altogether, of course. That’s not the point, though; the point is that people can keep these other types of animals as pets, so I think it would be considerate of us to include them in our “would you rather” type considerations.

On the other hand, I suppose it’s not particularly convenient (or desirable) to have someone try to slip in a conversation starter that takes seven minutes to complete. As such, I probably shouldn’t encourage people to go around asking “Are you more of a dog person, cat person, ferret person, horse person, Komodo dragon person, red panda person, coatimundi person, wolverine person…” etc., because if we start doing that, we’re just never going to get anything done around here.

At Least Goldfish Don’t Jump into Bed with You (Not More Than Once, At Least)

I’m stuck on pet types today after coming across a (very cute) list that ranks popular pet types based on the extent to which they will disrupt your sex life. The list makes some excellent points, including the observation that the miniature pony is unlikely to disrupt your sex life much at all, because it is “out in the yard, minding its business.”

“It wants no part in your relations and, frankly, is a little affronted that you would even ask,” note the list’s authors, Emma Brewer and Parisa Karami.

The list covers a far broader range than the cat person/dog person question, but certainly isn’t comprehensive in scope. And while one might be tempted to assume certain traits would neatly transfer from one species to another, such that my hypothetical Komodo dragon pet might have the “glassy eyes” of the dreaded goldfish that tops the list as the most sex-life-disruptive pet, my sense is that a dragon might prefer sitting on the heat of my front porch, where there’s not only more sun and warmth, but the occasional postal employee to scare the shit out of and possibly even bite.

As for mice and rats, I think the extent of their disruptiveness would depend largely on environmental factors and practical considerations. Is the mouse caged in glass? If so, does it at least have a wheel to keep it busy, or is it so bored that it can be expected to gaze longingly at all nearby physical activity, human sexual conduct included?

Lyre, Lyre, Pants No Longer on Fire

Given my experience with species that mimic sounds, I think the prospective pet with the highest potential to disrupt my sex life is the lyrebird. It’s not that I would find the lyrebird’s own songs and calls to be distracting or unpleasant, it’s that the bird would inevitably begin mimicking the sounds my husband and I make during sex – and hearing that mess come from our own mouths and bodies is bad enough. The last thing I need when nearing climax is to hear that squishing, slurping, slapping, sighing cacophony amplified by an avian expert in impersonation.

You know, the more I think about this, the more I think I’ll stick to cats and dogs. Sure, they’ll impose themselves inconveniently on my sexual bliss from time to time, but at least they can’t fly.

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