[In her new post, Calico ponders the advantages of low-tech sex toys — specifically, hand-carved wooden dildos from Ghana. Sure, you can’t synch them with your MP3 playlist to get them to buzz in time with your favorite songs, but on the bright side, hackers can’t spy on you through your Ghanaian “WooDong.” Plus, should you ever confront a mugger in a dark alley, what would you rather have in your purse with which to fight him off: A nice big chunk of solid wood, or some dainty little Bluetooth-enabled rabbit? Read all about it in Calico’s latest missive, “Meanwhile, In Ghana…”]
By Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
While I’ve always been a fan of and advocate for advances in technology, there are times when I wonder if certain areas of life, technological advancement does not necessarily represent technological improvement.
As a mundane example, I’ll offer the refrigerator; in terms of its core function, keeping food items cold to forestall spoilage, the fridge I grew up with did every bit as good a job as any modern “smart” fridge – without introducing the possibility of hackers turning it into part of a network of zombie kitchen appliances.
Similarly, I’m not sure I need an internet-connected toaster, microwave or espresso machine. Even the ability to schedule a coffee brewing from my phone isn’t that big an advantage over being able to do so on the coffee machine itself, a task my $20 “dumb” machine can already handle.
While I suppose there may be some novelty or minor thrill which comes with being able to look inside your fridge while standing in a Safeway, 10 miles from home, in my case the view would too likely be blocked by my husband’s beer – or worse, by some science experiment of a Tupperware container which has been sitting in there since Thanksgiving of 2014.
Lately I’ve been wondering whether sex toy technology is getting out of hand, too – and not just because smart vibrators and butt plugs have been getting hacked.
Wood: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Tables Anymore
While over here in the U.S. we’re busy trying to keep our high-tech butt plugs from being used to spy on us, or figuring out why our bluetooth-enabled vibrators aren’t buzzing to the beat of our iTunes playlist the way they’re supposed to, the people of Ghana are getting back in touch with nature with hand-carved wooden dildos.
Come to think of it, given the details of the report linked to above, I should also mention the people of Belgium have been getting back in touch with nature (or one of them has, at least), with the aid of a Ghanaian carver named Francis.
“Francis who carves sex toys said a woman from Belgium changed the nature of his wood carving business when she approached him to make a wooden penis,” JoyNews reports. “According to the woman, her electronic sex toys had developed problems and she wanted a quick replacement.”
A “quick” replacement? I don’t know how much experience Belgians have with carving wood, but it’s not really what I would call a zippy process. For that matter, if what a fellow is carving for me is a dildo, I’d rather that he take his time in doing so – especially when it comes to sanding down the dildo and assuring it’s absolutely, no doubt about it, 100% splinter-free.
To be fair, I’m guessing this Belgian woman was a tourist, and going to Francis might be a more secure and discreet means of acquiring a new dildo than ordering one online and having it delivered overnight to her hotel. I mean, imagine if the box started buzzing while at customs; nobody wants to encounter that sort of scenario while traveling.
As A Bonus, It Makes A Handy Bludgeoning Tool
As Francis notes, there’s more to recommend a wood dildo than just convenience for Belgian travelers and locals there in Ghana.
“Francis argues that his wooden penis is better than the electronic penis because it is easy to use and requires no batteries.”
Not only that, but “ladies in the universities told him they prefer his wooden toys to actual penis because having sex with men comes with the risk of sexually transmitted diseases.” And some people say modern education doesn’t teach young people anything useful?
Plus, smart devices aren’t the only items which can serve multiple purposes; I can think of several things Francis’ handcrafted “WooDongs” (maybe I should trademark that) would be good for, beyond serving as reliable, user-friendly masturbation aids.
For instance, in a self-defense scenario, I’d much rather have one of Francis’ forearm-thick WooDongs in my purse than some dainty little ‘rabbit’ device. Hitting a mugger with a rabbit might momentarily confuse the bastard, but with a WooDong I reckon I could stun him long enough to give me time to figure out how to use my smart-taser as a follow-up.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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