How Is It Possible No Porn Company Has Offered LaVar Ball A Job?

In her latest piece, Calico looks at the mechanics and history of the ‘porn job offer’ publicity stunt and asks a related question which is a real stumper: Why hasn’t a porn company offered a job to loud-mouthed, newly-minted NBA dad and budding WWE star LaVar Ball?

Read on…

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com

I thought I had this whole porn job offer publicity stunt formula figured out. I thought it was as simple as “Famous person embarrasses herself/himself, draws attention, gets porn job offer – lather, rinse, repeat.”

Now, I’m sure the first thing which comes to mind as missing from my formula is some overt connection to sex or porn on the part of the famous person who receives the offer, but history suggests this just isn’t the case.

After all, Amanda Knox hadn’t make a sex tape or accidentally tweeted a topless pic right before she got her porn job offer; she just got accused of murder. And while Octomom having a bunch of kids might have brought sex to mind, her porn job offer(s) didn’t stem from anything directly sex-related either.

As such, I feel compelled to ask; why hasn’t anybody offered a porn job to excessively proud (and excessively loud) NBA papa LaVar Ball?

Big Baller Bona Fides

Before getting to why I believe LaVar is so well-suited for a porn job offer publicity stunt, let’s establish the fact he’s satisfied the baseline requirements.

Is he reasonably famous? Google his name and you’ll see he certainly is, at least as measured by the number of responses to your query. Sure, his Twitter follower count is a bit on the low side (fewer than 100,000), but when it comes to sports media, the man is simply everywhere.

Next, has Ball embarrassed himself (and his sons) sufficiently?

I’m not much of a basketball expert, but from what I understand, if you’re out there claiming you could have taken Michael Jordan in a game of one-on-one no problem “back in your day”, yet you averaged two points per game for Washington State University back in your day… well, let’s just say you’ve satisfied the second prong of my porn job offer suitability test, quite decisively.

A Name Made For Porn

There are several reasons I think LaVar Ball would be a great target for a porn job offer, not the least of which is the fabulous utility of the man’s last name in a porn context. Beyond that, he named his own company “Big Baller Brand.”

I ask you, if that’s not a porn-ready brand name, what the hell is?

Just like LaVar, the porn industry loves alliteration. It would take about two seconds for some lazy porn company marketing department to come up with Big Baller’s Butt Bang Bonanza or Big Baller, Bigger Butts.

At least so far as the titles go, this stuff would write itself. From LaVar Balls ‘Em All to LaVar Balls Out, it would be a bad wordplay hoedown of epic proportions.

And if Ball didn’t want to take the plunge into porn performing, he could just play the role of MC, sort of like Snoop Dogg did, once upon a time. Judging by what I’ve seen of Ball so far, I don’t think he’d even need to be told he was doing it; just stick a mic in his face and let nature take its course.

Seriously; LaVar Has The Body For The Job, Too

I didn’t know it until he made his recent WWE Raw debut, but LaVar is still pretty damn ripped, at least for a guy who played his college ball before a lot of current NBA players had even been born.

I’m not saying a man has to be physically fit to appear in porn (just ask Ron Jeremy), but as someone who does appreciate a well-muscled male porn performer, I’m just saying we could do a lot worse than staring at Ball’s bare midriff.

Granted, I have no idea how hung LaVar is, but you must admit; he has the balls for the porn job, nominally and figuratively, if not literally.

Lest We Forget, These Offers Aren’t Meant To Be Accepted

Of course, the best reason Ball is well-suited for a porn job offer is he’s in the news – so the offer would be, too.

By and large, these porn job offers aren’t meant to be accepted; they’re designed to be seized upon by the media, which dutifully reports on every one of them, no matter how absurd or inappropriate it might be.

Besides, I don’t think Ball could resist responding, at least with a few verbal jabs, to such an offer. He might go off on a rant about how the women of porn couldn’t handle what he’s packing, or spend an hour educating us about how overqualified he is for the task – but he’d say something, of that much I’m sure.

So come on, one of you porn-publicity hounds out there; fire off one of those infamous open letters and get this big ballin’ deal done!

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