If you’re like Calico, you choose to stay informed on some things that a lot of other people would prefer not to think about at all — like hazardous product recalls, State Department travel advisories, major disease outbreaks, the arc of James Woods’ acting career and other total debacles.
Despite her attempts to stay abreast of such things, Calico recently realized a major health crisis has been brewing right under her nose without her noticing. Is it a bird flu pandemic? An anti-vaxxer neighbor whose kids are walking around hacking up germs into their shared airspace? Did her butterfingered klutz of a husband just buy a machine gun?
No — the public health crisis du jour, according to the legislature of Calico’s home state of Arizona, is nothing other than pornography. According to the legislators, porn is the cause of every societal ill from high divorce rates and profligate human trafficking to erectile dysfunction and unfunny ventriloquists getting their own specials on Comedy Central.
In light of this shocking news, Calico has questions — including the crucial one which also serves as the title of her latest post: “Is There A Vaccine For This?”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples
As I’m sure you’ve deduced by now, if you’re a regular reader of my posts, I’m a bit of an odd duck. I find pleasure and humor in a lot of things other people find disgusting and/or upsetting and simply don’t get the appeal of many things which are very popular – like cricket, Ariana Grande and/or “The Big Bang Theory.”
I’d also wager most other folks don’t share one of my more morbid fascinations: Keeping track of stuff like product recalls (hey – how else am I supposed to keep abreast of important information like the injury hazards presented by stuff like entertainment hutches?), State Department travel advisories (this just in: Right now might not be the time for a guided tour of Kandahar) and the FBI’s ten most-wanted fugitives.
Still, as well-informed as I try to keep myself as to the various horrors, threats and pitfalls facing the world, every so often something avoids my radar. I had just such an experience last week, in fact, when I learned that the legislature in my home state has declared pornography a public health crisis.
Porn Must Be in the CDC’s Blind Spot
I must admit, this declaration came as something of a shock to me, in large part because I keep a close eye on the Center for Disease Control and Prevention list of current disease outbreaks – and I have yet to see an outbreak notice which makes any reference to Ron Jeremy.
Measles outbreaks? Sure, that’s covered. Is there a report about salmonella infections linked to pet hedgehogs? You better believe there is! Hell, I don’t even know how to pronounce “psittacosis,” but thanks to the CDC, I do know there was an outbreak of it in Virginia and Georgia last September.
Try as I might, though, I can’t find any news from the CDC relating to an outbreak of pornococcus, or smutheria, or even a sudden increase in the occurrence of XXXanthic urolithiasis.
Porn: The Root of All Evil! Or Most Evil… Or Some Evil, At Least (Maybe)
All I can say is the CDC must be asleep at the switch, because as I read through the Arizona legislature’s resolution it sure sounds like porn is wreaking havoc in virtually every corner of society. For that matter, I should probably drop the “virtually” qualifier from that last sentence, because according to the lawmakers of AZ, porn “perpetuates a sexually toxic environment that damages all areas of our society.”
Wow! A sexually toxic environment that damages all areas of our society? I’d say it’s time to send in a massive team from the Environmental Protection Agency to clean up the ongoing “porn spill” emanating from Porn Valley, except I hear the EPA is scaling back on that kind of thing.
What other horrible impacts is porn having, according to my home state’s elected officials? Well, its “potential detrimental effects” include “toxic sexual behaviors, emotional, mental and medical illnesses and difficulty forming or maintaining intimate relationships.”
Sure – because as we all know, humans have no difficulty “forming or maintaining intimate relationships” absent porn’s influence. Just ask any therapist: So long as people don’t have porn to fight over, what else is there to disagree over? Other than money, where to live, whether one member of the couple is valuing his or her career above their partner, who has authority over the remote control, the insane cost of the family’s four-line wireless bill, whether your mother-in-law is going to move with you in or get stuck into some senior-care facility…
OK, upon further reflection, the list of other things over which couples can fight turns out to be somewhat lengthy. But just imagine how much worse those fights would be if you were also fighting about which porn to watch!
Maybe the First Amendment is a Public Health Hazard, Too
Now that the legislature has established how corrosive, sinister and all-problem-causing porn is, I assume our legislators have some radical solutions in mind, correct? We’re going to ban porn, filter the hell out of the internet, maybe execute some pornographers, just to make sure people get the point, right?
Well… not so much.
HCR 2009, the official bill-number of this resolution, is what you call a “nonbinding” resolution. As Wikipedia summarizes such legislation, a nonbinding resolution is “often used to express the body’s approval or disapproval of something that they cannot otherwise vote on, due to the matter being handled by another jurisdiction, or being protected by a constitution.”
Oh, wouldn’t you know it? It’s that pesky Constitution, again. Maybe, in order to fix all the problems caused by porn, we need to declare that crusty, old, unbecomingly yellowed document a public health hazard, too!
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