This Is Why Airplanes Have Bathrooms, People

Today, Calico looks at the vexing case of the “Great Delta Hummer,” the story of an impromptu couple who allegedly decided to engage in oral sexsex on airplane while on airplanes traveling from Los Angeles to Detroit. Will they face serious criminal charges, or just a slap on their possibly sticky wrists? Did they know they were doing something illegal, or were they perhaps just confused by the drawings of passengers “assuming the position” on the safety cards inserted into their seatbacks? Most importantly, will this adversely affect their frequent flyer miles?  Read all about it in the new post “This Is Why Airplanes Have Bathrooms, People”.  Read on…

– Calico Rudasill,

For a lot of people, the risk of getting caught is a big part of the appeal of having sex in public. For me, the thrill of sex is sex itself, so the being interrupted by passers-by, mall security guards or flight attendants just sounds like a potential buzzkill to me.

So, when it comes to the idea of joining the Mile-High Club, the only way it would make sense to me would be to sign up by way of ducking into an airplanes restroom for a midair quickie – if the very idea of fucking inside a bathroom didn’t make my (admittedly somewhat germophobic) skin crawl to begin with, that is.

Still, if I were the sort of person who was inclined to – let’s say – blow a total stranger on an airplane, I sure as hell wouldn’t try to pull it off in the open, while sitting in our assigned seats.

Maybe They Were Just Confused By The Safety Inserts

To be fair to the randy travelers in question, a lot of those safety cards you find tucked into airline seatbacks depict people with heads tucked between their legs, so maybe they were simply trying to follow instructions during a particularly nasty bit of turbulence, and things just went awry from there.

Granted, most of those illustrations depict people with their own heads tucked between their legs, so I’d expect any confusion stemming from them to result in attempted autofellatio. Then again, we’ve all witnessed people struggling to pull their seatbelts over their heads in response to the pantomimed security protocols offered by flight attendants, so you just never know.

On The Bright Side, Neither Of Them Was Wearing Explosive Clothing

Tasteless, dumb and rude as openly engaging in oral sex on an airplane may be, I think we can all agree it’s not the worst thing people have attempted to do on planes in recent years; just ask Richard Reid or Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.

Nevertheless, our oral-attempting friends could find themselves facing more than scorn and embarrassment over their illicit in-flight oral experimentation, now that the FBI has gotten involved in the case.

Yes, you read that right; the freaking FBI is investigating the case of the Great Delta Hummer.

“The FBI issued the citations, so they are handling the case,” explained Detroit Metro Airport spokesperson Erica Donerson. “All I know is that (the FBI) responded and took it from there… We have a police report, so I’m assuming something happened.”

Andy Arena, the former head of the FBI’s Detroit office, summed up his take on the crime in succinct, colorful fashion.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” he said. “It’s criminal stupidity, felony stupidity.”

Sometimes Bags Fly Free; Douchebags, On The Other Hand…

Dumb as their actions may have been, some legal experts say it’s unlikely the cocksucking culprits will face anything more serious than a fine, albeit one which will likely more than double the cost of their flight.

“It’s going to be very hard to find that this is criminal conduct under the federal code because it’s not a threat to the safety of the airline, or other passengers,” said Peter Henning, a former federal prosecutor and current Wayne State University law professor. “It’s certainly distasteful, but it was not disruptive or interfering with the operation of the plane, and that’s typically what charges involve. The embarrassment is probably the biggest punishment they can receive.”

Hmm… I’m not so sure about that; we haven’t been told whether either of these folks is married. Put this information in the hands of a motivated divorce attorney, and I’m guessing it could result in something significantly more punitive than a bit of internet-spread personal humiliation.

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