To Be Fair, Satan – I’ve Heard Worse Pickup Lines
What’s the worst pickup line to which you’ve ever been subjected? Was it merely cheesy, or was it truly disgusting? Has anyone ever tried the line, “If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable”?
Calico has heard some bad pickup lines in her time, from the mildly embarrassing to the downright gross, but she’s always had a certain sympathy for hapless men and their fumbling approaches, even when made in her direction.
This sympathy may be why Calico finds herself thinking a certain recent approach — even though made at night, in a subway station, by a man who had intentionally dressed in a most provocative way — wouldn’t make her top five of worst pickup attempts. Hell, it might even have succeeded on Calico, back in the day, if the guy had just a little more sense in how he approached its delivery.
What was the awkward pickup line — or maybe I should say “pickup move”? — in question? Is there really a GOOD way to pick up a woman who’s waiting for a subway train to arrive? Do they make a version of Tinder specifically for residents of Hades? Get Calico’s take in her latest post, “To Be Fair, I’ve Heard Worse Pick-Up Lines.”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Movies for Women and Couples
Like most women who have spent much time in public – or in sufficiently-populated private – I have been on the receiving end of some extremely cringeworthy pickup lines over the years. It’s very difficult to say which one was the worst, simply because there are so many from which to choose.
Several pickup lines I’ve been subjected to, or very close variants of them, have actually made it to online lists of terrible pickup lines. One of those which I’ve run into online since hearing it in person was a twist on the “If it’s true we are what we eat…” line referenced on this Bored Panda list, which is packed with other gems like “I’m jealous of your heart because it’s pumping inside you and I’m not.”
In a word, classy.
Hold the Sleaze, Double the Cheese
Many of the bad pickup lines you’ll find online aren’t so much creepy or disgusting as they are cheesy – another pickup line genre with which I’m all too familiar. (The cheesiest line I’ve heard in person was when I put off a guy’s invitation to go out for lunch by telling him I was on my way home to take a nap, to which he responded that I didn’t need a nap because “you’ve obviously had all the beauty sleep you need.”)
Women’s Health put together a dozen of what it calls “so-bad-they’re-almost-good” pickup lines, a description in which I’d say the word “almost” is doing an awful lot of work. Examples include “Hey, girl, are you my appendix? Cuz you give this weird feeling that makes me want to take you out!” and “Are you a magician? Because Abraca-DAYUM!”
I will admit, one of the lines on the Women’s Health list would at least make me smile to hear – but it’s just because I’m a nerd, not because I’d want to date the man who said it: “I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.”
Right Line, Wrong Context?
Sometimes, a man has the right pickup line, he just delivers it to the wrong woman, or within the wrong context. And other times, the line he has might be less important than how he’s dressed when he delivers that line – particularly if he happens to be dressed as Satan.
As the story goes, a young woman approached the transit police at the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority’s Forest Hills station one evening to “complain about an encounter with a man dressed all in black, including a mask covering his entire face and his hood drawn tight.”
“The woman told police the man typed something on his phone and extended his arm across to her, displaying a message that said ‘I am Satan,’ then stared at her,” the report continues.
Spoiler alert: He wasn’t really Satan.
When the cops approached “Satan,” the scorned young man assured them he was merely attempting to flirt and be funny and that he was “going to try and get her number.”
Granted, if you want a woman’s phone number, approaching her out of the blue at subway station probably isn’t the way to go, even if you aren’t dressed like – and claiming to be – Satan at the time.
You’re Not a Sigma Alpha Epsilon Pledge, Right?
That said, back when I was a single, determinedly promiscuous college student, if a man had used that approach with me, he may well have gone home – or back to the Pit of Despair, or the Lake of Fire, or however that works – with my digits.
Of course, I was accustomed back then to being hit on by drunk frat boys and steroid-fueled jocks, so getting schmoozed by Satan really would have been a step up…
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