by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
Over the years I’ve been associated with the adult industry, I’ve seen many measures taken to personalize, customize and otherwise enhance sex toys.
From molding the genitals of famous porn performers for ultrarealistic dildos and pocket-pussies to adding “smart” technology to vibrators, every time you turn around, someone is adding a twist to some sex toy pleasure device.
Just like any other product, sex toys are also subject to trend-merging, for lack of a better term. In other words, if there’s something which is working in marketing one product, some hot new thing which is working to engage and sell consumers, you can count on that trend bleeding over into other markets.
As such, I suppose I really should have seen coming an inevitable merging of customizable bobblehead dolls and big, brightly colored dildos.
I’ll Pass On Submitting A Picture Of My Husband, Thanks
In writing about the “Wobbling Willy” – a sex toy with a customizable bobblehead on the non-business-end of the device – the International Business Times suggests a woman can take advantage of the customization to create a “clay model of their loved ones so she can stare right at it while pleasing herself.”
Uh sure, we could do that, but I’ll bet I’m not speaking just for myself when I say masturbation time is also fantasy time, a time when I can imagine I’m with any lover. With all due respect to my husband, who I have to settle for uh, I mean with whom I feel privileged to have sex with on a regular basis, when it comes to masturbation time, he’s not exactly the first-round draft pick for my fantasy team, if you catch my drift.
If I’m going to create a bouncing little head to stare at while I masturbate, I’ll be opting for a Godfather-era Al Pacino, or maybe an On the Waterfront-era Marlon Brando, or a basically-any-era Sean Connery.
Of course, none of the aforementioned gentlemen is likely to look too sexy once they’ve taken the form of a bobbing, cartoon-like clay head at the far end of a disproportionate purple cock, but I’m still guessing a bobblehead version of my husband would look even worse.
Don’t get too offended on his behalf, by the way; lord knows if he were to model a Real Doll on any woman of his choice, he wouldn’t use me as the template. (Of course, he also knows if he modeled her on anyone half my age, he’d come home to find her floating face-down in the swimming pool within a week of acquiring her…)
There is one thing about Wobbling Willy with which I take umbrage, however; the name “Willy.”
Why Willy? Why not something more dignified, classier, more pleasing to the ear – or, at the very least, one which doesn’t immediately summon off-putting thoughts of Bill “Slick Willie” Clinton, and his ruddy, creepy good ol’ boy visage?
Yes, I know – once I have a Wobbling Willy of my own, I can rename him “Awesome Al,” or “Manly Marlon,” or “Sexy Sean,” or “Hunky Hemsworth,” or whatever I like. But I know (without even asking him) my husband will persist in referring to Willy as Willy, just because he’ll know (again, without asking) doing this will drive me crazy.
I’m probably making my husband sound like an irritating, immature, assholish, total buzzkill – but to be fair, he’s not a total buzzkill.
What’s Next? The Fidgebrator, Of Course!
Whenever a trend-merging product like the Wobbling Willy comes along, you can bet there’s another, similar product hot on its heels and as an avid follower of the sex toy market, I’m always trying to anticipate what the next big thing in pleasure products is going to be.
In light of the Wobbling Willy and other recent, merge-friendly trends, I think the obvious answer is the “Fidgebrator” – which, of course, will be a fidget spinner which mounts directly on one’s clitoris. The faster you spin it, the more intense the vibration!
Wait; what’s that you say? I’m not ahead of the sex toy trend-merger curve, I’m behind it?
At least I found the above link before starting to solicit crowdfunding for my fidgebrator concept. I guess now I can focus on developing the “Matchabator” instead.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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