Sex In The Pool? No Thanks
It seems like every time she turns around, someone is telling Calico her sex life is boring, drab, dull and far too limited in terms of where she chooses to have sex. No, not literally every time she turns around; if that were the case, she’d never get anything done (and someone would need to explain what all those people are doing inside her house at a time like this, what with the pandemic and all) .
If you’re ever wondering what other people consider great locations to have sex, the internet is chock full of articles, blog posts, videos, possibly even singing telegrams with tips on the best places to get your freak on — if indeed people still say “get your freak on” which they probably don’t.
You’ll see people recommend sex on the beach (and not just as a tasty adult beverage), sex in stairwells, sex in cars, sex at your dentist’s office — I mean, this is the internet we’re talking about, so if it’s at all physically possible, someone is going to not only recommend it, but swear to you it’s the hottest thing in the storied history of sexual hotness.
One of the supposedly great locations for sex that seems to be recommended over and over again is a location where Calico has had sex exactly once — and which she’s not about to give another shot, not so long as she lives in the Arizona desert, at least.
What location has been permanently scrubbed from Calico’s list of sex spots? Is her fear of heights the issue? Can it be possible there are people out there who have never had sex on a couch? Who comes up with these recommendations, anyway?
Since I might be here another hour coming up with dumb rhetorical questions like these if I don’t stop now, let’s all just turn our attention to Calico’s latest post: “Sex In The Pool? No Thanks.”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples
Read On…
People are constantly telling me I’m having sex in all the wrong places.
To be clear, by “people,” I mean authors of things like advice columns, self-help books and blog posts, and by “telling me” I mean leaving things out where I can read them. (I felt I should clarify this, just in case you were thinking there’s a group of people going door to door, religious proselytizing-style, yammering at their fellow citizens about how they haven’t had hot sex until they’ve done it in a barn, or something like that.)
The Sex Location Bucket List
Thankfully, when I look at things like lists of locations where people think I should try having sex at least once before I die, or that I should give a try if I’m “adventurous AF” I’m able to quickly check most items off the list and file them under “Been There, Done Him, On That.”
Fucking in the back yard? Check. On the couch? Check. (By the way, who hasn’t had sex on a couch, people?) On the stairs? It was uncomfortable as hell and at my age I won’t be doing it again any time soon, but yeah – check that one, too.
There is at least one place where quite a lot of people appear to enjoy having sex that I just won’t, though – the swimming pool.
“Wetter is Better” – But Wetter Surroundings Doesn’t Mean a Wetter WAP
For reasons I’ll never quite understand, some people swear by having sex in the pool, or in a hot tub – and the internet is filled with articles about in-pool sex, whether it’s safe to have sex in the pool, the various do’s and don’ts of having sex in the pool and yes, the occasional piece proclaiming that people should never, ever have sex in the pool.
You might think it’s the central claim of that ‘never, ever’ article that keeps me from embracing pool sex (namely, that pools are allegedly full of urine), but that’s not it. For starters, however full of pee public pools might be, unless my husband has gone seriously rogue on me, I’m confident there will never be much pee in our pool.
It’s one of the other “cons” of pool sex – one I experienced firsthand the only time I had sex in a pool – that leads to my ‘Just Say No’ policy when it comes to pool sex. As noted by Dr. Megan Stubbs, the board-certified sexologist with degrees in biology and human sexuality interviewed for the Elite Daily piece linked above, as counterintuitive as it may seem, pool water actually washes away your natural lubrication, making underwater sex more friction-laden – and therefore less pleasant – than above-water sex.
“From the action of penetration, water will enter the vagina and wash away your natural lubrication and can potentially lead to microabrasions and painful sex,” Stubbs explained.
Making matters worse, contrary to what some folks believe, there’s also no pregnancy-preventing properties inherent to underwater penetration.
“Water may wash away your natural lubricant, but it isn’t going to rid your body of ejaculate,” Stubbs noted.
Yeah, that too. Again, for me pool sex = no, thanks.
Pool Context Matters (And So Do Scorpions)
To be fair, most of the articles I’ve read about pool sex, even the kind encouraging people to try it, at least mention the lubrication problem, often pointing people to non-penetrative acts they can enjoy that won’t introduce the same issue.
That’s fair enough, but riddle me this: Why would I want to sit on the edge of the pool, with my butt planted on that hard, sunbaked pool deck (I do live in Arizona, after all, where even in the winter that deck is going to be rather hot to the touch if it’s at all sunny out), when I could be inside, sitting in the same position, with my butt being tenderly cupped by the soft cushions of my couch?
And, lest we think this is all about me, what of my husband and his pale, pasty, Scotch-Irish skin? Right now, our “safe sun index” is approximately 73 on the 1-to-11 scale here in southern AZ, meaning he can get in about 10 minutes of licking me before he starts to look like the “after” picture in a public service announcement about melanoma.
I suppose the solution would be to have our poolside sex at night – but that introduces other problems, like the chance we’ll suddenly find ourselves surrounded by wandering javelinas, or sharing our poolside nookie nook with scorpions, or being interrupted by whatever the fuck else the Sonoran Desert has to offer after dark.
I guess what I’m really saying here is I’m not “adventurous AF,” after all… or I’m not when the adventure involves nakedness in the desert, at least.
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