Sex Humor: Can I Trade with Aries This Week?

When it comes to palm readers, tea leaf interpreters, horoscopes and fortune cookies, Calico doesn’t really ask for much — just for the so-called fortunes to be actual predictions of things to come and a little specificity in those predictions.

Lately though, Calico’s go-to prognostication providers have been letting her down a bit. Cookies filled with flattery instead of fortunes, horoscopes so vague they could have been written by a state legislature — even her trusty weekend sex horoscope isn’t delivering the kind of info she needs.

Her zodiac future-telling frustration now boiling over, Calico is desperate for a solution. It’s in this spirit that her latest post asks: “Can I Trade with Aries This Week?”

– Calico Rudasill, Erotic Entertainment for Women

From fortune cookies to online horoscopes, this week has been a disappointing one in terms of forecasts for my future. To wit, I had to eat five fortune cookies just to get to one that had a message inside which even approaches a ‘fortune.’

The first cookie said “Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.” This, my friends, is NOT a fortune. It’s a questionable cliché followed by the kind of advice one typically gets from men over the age of 70 – perhaps right after you’ve told them about a disappointing fortune cookie you just ate.

The non-fortunes continued with cookies two through four, one of which said: “Keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you.” Granted, I hadn’t previously realized that flattery enables human flight, but learning that still doesn’t count as a fortune.

Finally, I reached a cookie which had a solid prediction for me. “You will receive unexpected support over the next week. Accept it graciously.”

My Kingdom for Some Specificity

Sure, what the fifth cookie provided technically is a fortune – but WTF with the vagueness? I will receive “unexpected support”? That could mean all kinds of things. 

Maybe an uncle I didn’t know I had just died and willed me all kinds of money – or maybe my mother will compliment my outfit for the first time ever, instead of telling me I look like a fugitive from the law who shopped thrift stores to come up with her getaway getup.

Hoping to get better guidance than the cookies had to offer, I turned to an online horoscope. 

“Keep your eyes open today,” my horoscope said. “Be on the lookout for opportunities and invitations. Don’t act too hastily. This is a key time in which life seems to be moving more quickly than ever. Change may be just what you need to foster your growth. Don’t just grab the first thing that comes your way. Examine your options closely, make sure you’re confident about the situation – then act.”

Who wrote this crap? Oh well, at least the first bit of advice – “keep your eyes open” – is one that’s easy to follow (unless I take a nap). Regardless, it’s still not what I’m looking for; I’m looking for solid, specific information about what I can expect from the next several days.

An Abundant Planet and its Communication Zones

Hoping I might fare better with my sex horoscope, I turned to the tried-if-not-entirely-true Cosmopolitan weekend sex horoscope and scrolled down to my sign, Leo.

“On Sunday, the Sun teams up with Jupiter, planet of abundance!”

Hmm. Jupiter is the “planet of abundance,” eh? Through my telescope, it looks awfully barren (not to mention gaseous) to be a planet of abundance, but I’ll suspend disbelief and roll with this.

“What it means: Two zones of your chart are lighting up this weekend—the zones of communication and sex/romance! Whether this manifests into meeting a total thottie, having a mind-blowing time in bed, or just throwing in a little dirty talk into your next hookup, the point is this is a super fun weekend with plenty of action involved!”

For starters, I’m not sure if “thottie” is a thing, or merely a typo, but either way this prognostication still doesn’t offer the precision for which I’d hoped.

Optimize Your Horoscope – Adopt a Modular Birthday!

Then I made the mistake of reading horoscopes for several other signs – and immediately developed horoscope envy. That jealousy then raised a question in my mind: If I lie about my birthday, can I have someone else’s horoscope, instead?

I mean just look at what the Aries out there are told about their weekend: “Some shockingly sexy DMs head your way this weekend, and it’s hard to pick the right person to invite over…”

Great; I’ll get ‘communication zones’ lighting up, while my born-in-early-April friend Pam receives shockingly sexy DMs. Knowing my luck, Pam’s sexting paramour will accidentally hit my number right as he starts to feel confident enough to start sending dick pics.

Libras, meanwhile, are advised to “start swiping right on aaaalllll the hotties” and told that “nothing can stand in your way.” 

You mean to tell me if I had been born just a few months later than I was, I’d be swiping right on hotties (or maybe even thotties?) all weekend? That sinks it – I hereby reject the societal insistence that birthdays be static. Accordingly, my own birthday is no longer in late July; it is whenever it needs to be for me to get shockingly sexy DMs from thotties.

Three cheers for the modular birthday! Can I get an amen?

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