While Calico doesn’t put much stock in astrologists or horoscopes, reading them is a guilty pleasure of hers. This is especially true of sex horoscopes, where what Calico wants is as many specifics she can get, even if she doesn’t understand all the jargon about Taurus moons, Cancer suns, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes… wait, those last two aren’t astrological signs; they’re Lucky Charms marshmallow shapes! Never mind.
Anyway, what Calico doesn’t want to hear in a sex horoscope is a bunch of generalized nonsense, Zodiacal stereotypes or advice so nonspecific, it might as well be from the center of a fortune cookie that has been sitting unseen in a nook between the stove and the fridge for the last three years.
Unfortunately, Calico has noticed a worrisome trend in her favorite sex horoscope sources lately — and it’s not a sudden influx of naughty details or shame-inducing specifics. What has she noticed? Read all about it in her newest post, “Is It Just Me, Or Are Sex-Astrologists Getting Lazier?”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Movies and Info For Women
While I’ve never been big on astrology, I do like to occasionally peruse the horoscopes offered by various sources, in part to see how similar (or dissimilar) they may be.
Yeah, Yeah, I Know – Leos Talk Too Much. Who Doesn’t?
Over time, I’ve come around to thinking that sex-astrologists are getting progressively lazier with their prurient prognostication. Where I once found reasonably specific predictions and advice, now I’m getting feedback which might as well be part of those very general sites I mentioned earlier.
Take Cosmo’s sex horoscope for the weekend, for example, which this week is divided into three categories for each sign.
Under the “single AF” heading – which, admittedly doesn’t apply to married folks like me in the first place – we Leos are told that if we’re “looking for love” this weekend, we’re not going to “catch any cuties” unless we “take it down a few levels.”
At first, I had no idea what, specifically, my single AF Leo peers were supposed to take down a few levels, because the astrologer/author behind this sex horoscope doesn’t come out and explain it. She leaves it up to us to figure it out from the statement’s context.
“You’re feeling confident, horny, and determined to get some D, but you run the risk of coming off as ostentatious,” Jake Register writes. “Just be you – but ya know, also ask your date some questions once in a while!”
Ah, I see – we Leos, and presumably not just the single AF ones, are a talkative lot. We tend to dominate conversations and demand to be the center of attention. I’ll have to point out that “fact” to my husband some time – ideally when his chatty, Capricorn ass is in the middle of a long dissertation on whatever it is he’s trying to mansplain to me at the time.
This isn’t a horoscope; it’s a stereotype masquerading as sex and dating advice! Next.
My Moon is in… Whatever; Just Tell Me Whether I’m Getting Some, Already!
The second category in the Cosmo weekend sex horoscope is: “If you’re hooking up but haven’t DTR yet.” In other words, this is the part of the sex horoscope for Leos who are fucking their partners but aren’t yet sure what to call those partners.
“The sensual Taurus Moon plus energetic Mars and lucky Jupiter’s connection line up and promise tons of action in and out of bed with your partner this weekend! Things are going great, and you’re confident that this week is the one when your relationship becomes official – but forces outside of your control (like work) put your date night plans on hold. Luckily, on Thursday, lovely Venus connects with Jupiter, bringing all the best vibes to your love life!”
See – now that’s what I’m talking about. Sure, I have no clue what all that mess about Taurus moons and lucky Jupiter connections is about, and it doesn’t really say whether they’ll be having sex this weekend, but at least it lets my hooking-up-but-maybe-not-“dating” fellow Leos know they can double-book on date night this week without concern about having to cancel the non-date portion of the night’s plan.
This brings us to the part of the horoscope which applies to me:
“If you’ve been together forever.”
(OK, so technically 21 years isn’t “forever” – but I’d still wager this is where Cosmo figures I fit in to things.)
“You’ve been entertaining the idea of heating up life in the bedroom with some new lingerie, a fun toy, or by exploring your dominant side, and this weekend is perfect for indulging in your fantasies! Just don’t get so crazy that you fall out of bed or pull a muscle and hurt yourself!”
Really, Cosmo? REALLY?
Yeah, we’ve been together “forever” but we’re just now “entertaining the idea of heating up life in the bedroom” with bush-league rookie crap like new lingerie, fun toys and exploring my dominant side? Bitch, please: I’ve had so many battery-powered devices in, on and around me that I’m like Robocop in a leather teddy.
I’m going to add my own interpretive spin to this not-so-helpful sex horoscope. Since we’ve already heated up our sex life with toys, lingerie and roleplay a hundred times over, I’m going to read this as advising me to take things to yet another level.
You know what that means: It’s time for motorized pegging in the backyard, under the light of the moon, while the neighbors watch and hold up scorecards for each individual sex act!
Don’t worry honey; it’s not as otherworldly as it sounds. It will be just like the NBA’s Slam Dunk contest – only with more lube.
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