If Sex With Extraterrestrials Is So Great, Why Do We Only Hear About Anal Probing?

Calico’s first exposure to the concept of humans having sex with extraterrestrials came by watching Star Trek, which among other things could explain why she for years thought she needed to keep green body paint handy next to the condoms in the sexual-readiness drawer of her nightstand.

Over the years, her understanding of human/alien sex has evolved, of course, culminating in some recent reading of British tabloid articles with headlines that suggested she was soon to be regaled with tales of sexual encounters which were described by the humans involved as “the most pleasurable they’ve ever experienced.”

So you can imagine Calico’s disappointment when, upon reading the article in question, all she got was more of the same abducting, anal-probing, evil aliens sexually assaulting hapless humans kind of garbage she’s read a thousand times before.

What’s the deal, Metro.co.uk? Or, as Calico puts it in the title of her latest post, “If Sex With Extraterrestrials Is So Great, Why Do We Only Hear About Anal Probing?”

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn for Women and Couples

Possibly because my first exposure to the concept of extraterrestrials having sex with humans came from watching Star Trek, I spent my early years thinking of sex between aliens and earthlings as being pretty much like sex between two humans – albeit with a lot more green body paint involved than is typical between human lovers.

Later in life, I began to hear stories about humans being abducted by space aliens, typically so the aliens could then anally probe the humans in the privacy of their spaceship. While this sounded perfectly awful to me, it did at least spawn an extremely funny Kids in the Hall sketch, a development for which I’m eternally grateful.

And I Thought My Husband Sucked At Reading Me After Sex

I’m now learning (if indeed anything which involves reading metro.co.uk can be described as “learning”) that “documented” alien/human sexual encounters go back to 1957, when a fellow named Antonio Villas Boas claimed he had been “dragged inside a flying saucer and forced to have sexual intercourse with a beautiful alien woman.”

Oh sure – naturally, she was a beautiful alien woman, because what man is going to tell a story like that and describe the alien who abducted him as anything less than a perfect 10? At any rate, back to Mr. Boas’ tale of alien abduction seduction.

“When he left, she pointed at her stomach, at him and then at the sky, implying she would have his child somewhere in outer space.”

Hmm. I can think of some other possible interpretations of those hand signals – like “Honey, I’m hungry. Can you please go pick me up an Ameglian Major Cow from Miillways?”

So, We Only Get To Hear The Gross, Rapey Alien Sex Stories In Detail?

While a lot of the stories which UFO “researchers” have put to paper recount stories of men and women who have been spirited up to space just to be horribly violated by aliens, Metro briefly reports that “other abductees say that sex with an alien entity is the most pleasurable they’ve ever experienced, that the erotic thrills go way beyond what happens with a human partner.”

For some reason, however, Metro chose not to cite any of those examples of super pleasurable alien sex. Instead they chose to focus on the likes of Communion author Whitley Strieber and his tale of otherworldly sexual woe.

“Strieber famously described being abducted by aliens who inserted a one-foot-long anal probe inside him,” Metro reports. “It seemed to be a living entity, so when it was taken out he was surprised to see it was a mechanical device.”

So, not only did Strieber get some mysterious extraterrestrial instrument shoved up his ass, he also had to deal with the disappointment of learning the sensation he experienced in the process wasn’t some well-hung alien’s massive schlong?

Seriously, Metro, if you have in your possession stories of sex with aliens that the humans who told the stories described as “the most pleasurable they’ve ever experienced,” why in the hell are you only recounting to your readers the ones which clearly represent space-based sexual assaults?

Do you fear we’ll become jealous of alien abductees? Is the issue that you don’t want our earthbound lovers to feel inadequate after reading about the size and girth of the average Klingon cock? Did the aliens retain some manner of intellectual property right to the more pleasant stories, and you’re worried about getting sued in an imperial Shi’ar court?

I guess the only answer here is for me to get myself abducted, have a great sexual experience with an alien, then return to earth to tell my story in graphic, lurid detail. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it!

The only question is, how do I go about making sure I get abducted in a timely fashion, once I’m properly prepared for my journey into space?

Oh, that’s right: Apparently, I just need to go to Argentina and hang out in a pasture with some cows.