When people talk about what makes for a good sex life, one of the first things they turn to is how often a couple has sex. Any couple having sex constantly must have a great sex life, while couples not having sex often must be mutually frustrated, unsatisfied and maybe even on the verge of murdering each other with hammers — or so the theory goes.
Calico thinks this is a terrible assumption. Or, to put it in a more Calico-like fashion, she’d rather have great sex with her flabby, aging husband once a month than have sex twice a day with some chiseled young stud who thinks “clitoris” is the name of a cholesterol-management drug.
How often should couples have sex? Is it really fair that you’re the one who has to sleep on the wet spot? Is there such a thing as “comfortable” handcuffs? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll? Calico doesn’t answer any of these questions, but she might make you feel better about how often you’re having sex with her latest post, “I’ll Take Quality Over Quantity, Any Day.”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
If you’ve read many of my past posts, then you know my husband serves as a recurring source of comic relief in this space. If you were to take all my jabs at the man seriously, you’d conclude he’s self-absorbed, lazy as making canned soup for lunch, not too bright, completely clueless when it comes to reading his wife’s mood and all sorts of other negative things. But, truth be told, he’s not that lazy.
Just to be clear, all those insults I toss his way are written in jest. If I truly held him in such low regard, I’d have filed for divorce long – instead of filing yesterday. (Kidding again!)
To the contrary of what my endless quips about my husband might lead you to believe, our marriage is quite strong. Hell, with the amount of shit we give each other literally every day, it has to be strong, or one of us would have stabbed the other with a salad fork by now.
In addition to having a lot of interests and passions in common, one of the cornerstones of our relationship is sex – and not just sex, but, mutually-satisfying, orgasm-filled, shake-the-goddamn-rafters sex.
Great-But-Infrequent Sex: Not An Oxymoron
As sexually compatible as we are, as much as I cherish every moment of the sex we have, you might be surprised to hear must husband and I don’t have sex that often. We don’t keep count, but I’d say we probably average once a week, with a very uneven distribution – meaning sometimes daily, sometimes with gaps of two or three weeks between one encounter and the next.
If that seems strange, it might be because the common assumption is that having sex often is a sign of a great sex life, while the opposite is assumed of having sex infrequently. But as Sarah Hunter Murray recently observed in a piece she wrote for Psychology Today, focusing on the frequency of sex is zeroing in on the wrong question – and a poor metric for evaluating the quality of a person’s sex life.
“Few of us haven’t wondered at some point: How much sex should we be having? What if we’re having less sex than our friends? Is our relationship doomed if we aren’t having enough sex? And what is enough sex anyway?” Murray writes. “These questions are inherently flawed, because how often we are having sex doesn’t address whether or not that sex is good, bad, or dissatisfying.”
Murray is exactly right. I’d add to the list of flawed things people believe about sex the notion that sex with someone they find very attractive physically is necessarily going to be good sex. Frankly, I’d rather be pleasured right by my aging, undeniably chubby hubby once a month than have sex twice daily with some gorgeous young hunk who doesn’t know my clitoris from my bellybutton.
Familiarity Doesn’t Always Breed Contempt
Another common assumption is having sex with the same person – and only that person – over the course of time leads to one becoming bored with their partner. We often hear this is especially true for men. (In fact, on the same website where you’ll find Murray’s column, you’ll find one of her peers making such an argument.)
I think there’s often truth to this, but I also think among couples who have great sexual chemistry, it’s not the case. If anything, the sex my husband and I have now is even better than when we first met.
Sure, we may not have the same burning, irresistible, youthful passion for each other that we did during our first few months as a couple, but getting to know each other sexually means he now knows what gets me off so comprehensively, I’m like sexual putty in his hands – only substantially less creepy than that sounds, now that I see that line written out in front of me.
By the same token, I have such a good sexual understanding of my husband that if we have only a few minutes before we leave the house to go to some social function, I can make him cum and still have time to change my mind twice about what to wear.
No, I’m NOT Saying You Should Have Sex Less Often
All the above said about my marital/sexual bliss, I’m expressly NOT saying everyone should have sex less often to reach sexual nirvana.
To answer one of the flawed questions mentioned by Murray, the “right amount” of sex to have isn’t a defined number; it varies depending on the individuals involved. Where the friction comes in, quite often, is when both members of a couple enjoy the sex they have, but one wants to have sex a lot more (or a lot less) often than the other. Even then, the issue really isn’t the frequency of sex, but a discrepancy in preference.
As Murray notes in her article, “it’s important to recognize that the reasons we aren’t having sex matter more than how often we are having it.”