The Real Alien Pilot-Ninja Housewives of Ancient Greece, Or Something

As leisurely intellectual exercises go, Calico has always liked the kind where you imagine that you’ve been dropped into the middle of the Sahara desert by an alien and have to decide what to do first to find your way back out, or imagine that you wake up on a raft out on the ocean somewhere and are confronted with the same kind of choice.

For fun, today Calico decided to pretend she’s an extraterrestrial alien who has been tasked with making contact with Earthlings, but first must study human behavior to prepare — and the only study tool her alien self has been given is a British tabloid’s account of an episode of a reality TV show, along with access to relevant pages of Wikipedia and IMDB.

Alien spaceship

As you might imagine, it’s a very confusing scenario for our hypothetical alien friend, one which very well may lead her to throw up her hands (or perhaps her tentacles?), declare contact with Earth and humans to be not worth the trouble and aim her spaceship for the next conveniently located solar system.

What could drive our alien friend to such despair? What could make her abort her mission and try again elsewhere? Find out in Calico’s latest post, “The Real Alien Pilot-Ninja Housewives of Ancient Greece, Or Something”

by Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women

Imagine, for a moment, that you’re an alien from another planet and you’re visiting the Earth for the first time.

Let’s further imagine you’re trying to learn about humans and their lives on their little, mostly-blue planet, so that when you reveal and introduce yourself to President Bill Pullman, or astronaut Jodie Foster, or whichever Earthling trots out to greet you in Fyffe, Alabama, you’ll have some idea what these bipedal critters are about.

Add to the above hypothetical that the materials you’re given to study to learn about humans is comprised entirely of clips from a recent episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, then ask yourself: Would you recommend to the extraterrestrial bigwigs back on your Mothership that you proceed with the plan to do a meet and greet with humans, or would you beg them to let you skip Earth and move along to the next sphere you find with intelligent life thereon?

Wait, Which Celebrity Was Married to Which Other Celebrity Who is Now Married to Yet Another Celebrity?

To be fair (something which is contrary to my nature, admittedly), I’ve never watched an episode of RHOBH, so I’m not working from a complete view of the people who appear thereon. That said, based on the Daily Mail description of the episode I’ve linked to above, I don’t feel like I’ve missed much.

More accurately, maybe I should say I haven’t missed much that I could reasonably expect to follow – because even in just reading about the show, I already find myself lost in a sea of celebrity names and interpersonal connections I’d need a flowchart that looks like spaghetti just to navigate it all.

For example, in a single line of that article, I’m told: “Denise (Richards) also shared that Aaron (Phypers) was technically still married to Nicollette Sheridan, 55, who also was previously married to (Lisa) Rinna‘s ex-husband Harry Hamlin, 67.”

So, put in terms which make more sense to a movie and TV buff (and possibly, which would make more sense to an extraterrestrial, as well) what they’re saying is Carmen Ibanez told the ex-wife of Perseus that First Officer Monreal is technically still married to Paige Matheson (or maybe Anne Winston?), who was also previously married to Perseus… right?

See what I mean? By the time I figure out which of these people has been married to which other person who played which fictional character, I’ll have missed the part where Carmen Ibanez confesses to having sex with Brett from The Leap while he was at work!

The Part Where Carmen Ibanez Confesses to Having Sex with Brett from The Leap While He Was at Work

Whew! Thankfully, I obviously did NOT miss the part where Carmen Ibanez confesses to having sex with Brett from The Leap while he was at work, because I’m pretty sure that tidbit is the only reason why this episode of LMFAOBH (or whatever) wound up on my radar in the first place.

Apparently, Denise/Carmen “said that she met Aaron, 46, at his anti-aging center where he was doing ‘frequency work,’” and later added “We had sex in one of his rooms and we’ve been inseparable ever since.”

OK, I have a couple questions here. First, WTF is “frequency work”? Does it involve wearing antenna on one’s head?

Second, if you’ve been inseparable ever since having sex in a room at an anti-aging center, did you at least stop to explain to all those poor elderly people in the anti-aging center’s lobby why you were being wheeled out of the place (presumably upon an double-wide gurney) with Brett from The Leap’s penis still inside you?

Perhaps the answers are to be found further along in the article?

No, the Answers Are Not to be Found Further Along in the Article

Sadly, I’ll probably never find out what Dr. Christmas Jones meant by “frequency work,” because there’s no explanation of such in the Daily Bafflement article. There are, however, more references to famous people, including famous people who confusingly share names with other famous people.

For instance: “Rinna then thanked the singer for her marriage with Harry and her two children as she offered a toast to Michael Bolton” and “Teddi Mellencamp revealed that she has sex twice a week with her husband Edwin.”

Wait, wait, wait – where did all these Mellencamps come from? Are they about to start singing about Jack and Diane behind the Tastee Freez?

“RHOBH will return next week on Bravo.”

You know what? I’m going to take a pass and skip the next episode of GTFOLOL on Bravo.

Instead, me and my hypothetical little green alien friend are just going to fire up the hyperdrive and make our way to the next inhabited planet – and hope like hell they offer less confusing reality TV programming there.

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