Porn Reminder: You Don’t Get to Tell Other People What They Like
– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
There’s a paper that’s pinging around the headlines right now (kinda oddly, since it was first published in November of last year), the upshot of which is being summarized by headline writers with takes like “More women than men report being aroused by aggression in porn, according to study.”
That’s not an entirely inaccurate take, but it is a somewhat simplified one. As Eran Shor, a sociologist at McGill University and one of the authors of the study noted, “the majority of viewers, both men and women, preferred not to watch aggression in pornographic videos, especially non-consensual aggression.”
That last bit is good news, by the way. Among other things, it suggests that for all the stated concern over violence and aggression in porn expressed by the adult industry’s harshest critics, who often claim people who watch porn will inevitably mimic what they see on the screen, the viewers themselves can discern the difference between consensual and non-consensual aggression (or believe they can do so, at least) – and have a strong preference for the former.
If We’re to be Judged by Our Darkest Private Thoughts, The Guillotine Awaits Us All
In reading about this study, I’m reminded of something that Candida Royale once said, in the context of her mission to make porn that was more appealing to women: One of the greatest challenges for her was what to do about the phenomenon of rape fantasies.
During a fascinating discussion hosted by Mindbrowse.com right about seven years ago, Candida described her dilemma thusly: “How do I show this ‘rape fantasy’ without sending the wrong message to people and letting people think she really wants to be raped?”
In reading about this study, I’m reminded of something that Candida Royale once said, in the context of her mission to make porn that was more appealing to women: One of the greatest challenges for her was what to do about the phenomenon of rape fantasies. Today, there’s free narrative-focused free porn for women, crafted to offer a softer and more tailored experience than the usual
This brings us to a crucial point made by Shor in commenting on his study.
“One important thing is to be careful not to mix fantasy and real-life desires,” Shor said. “Many women (and men) who found aggression arousing clearly stressed that they would not want to experience or try the acts they enjoyed on the screen in their own sex life. They emphasized that it was the visual representation of a fantasy that allowed them to feel aroused, while at the same time maintaining a sense of comfort and safety.”
This is something I’ve underlined to friends of mine, women and men alike, when they have stumbled across porn files in the browser history on a shared computer in their home and found themselves disturbed by their partner’s apparent erotic interests.
“I mean, is this what he/she wants me to do?” they’ll ask, clearly mortified.
“Maybe?” I’ll say in response. “Just as likely, that’s something he/she enjoys watching other women/men do, but that he’d/she’d be repulsed by if you started doing it out of the blue one night. Unless he/she starts pushing things on you that you don’t want to do, I’d say file that shit under ‘it’s just a fantasy’ and only bring it up with him/her if you think it’s absolutely necessary, because otherwise you’re about to embark on a potentially painful conversation you may not want, or need, to have.”
This Just In: We Ladies Are Often Not Very Ladylike
Another thing that strikes me as interesting in all this is that Shor and others have been “surprised” by his findings.
“(A)mong those who did say that they enjoyed displays of aggression, including rougher aggression, somewhat surprisingly women were a majority,” Shor said. “Women were more likely to report being aroused by aggression, actively seeking aggression, and wanting to see more aggression in mainstream pornography.”
Why is this surprising? Because womenfolk are delicate little flowers who faint at the mere thought of violence and aggression? Is that why I see so many women in the crowd at MMA fights and boxing matches?
If you think it’s fucked up for people to enjoy depictions of violence and aggression, sexual or otherwise, you certainly have a right to hold that belief. But if you expect women, generally, to agree with you just because we’re women, then I think you’re in for some serious disappointment – and maybe a bloody nose, if the woman you express that sentiment to has been watching too much MMA. (Kidding!!)
Look, you can try to put women in neat little boxes all you’d like; this isn’t the fucking 14th Century, so if we don’t like the box you give us, we’re just going to exchange it for one we do fancy. This applies not only to entertainment preferences, but just about any other damn thing else you can think of, I’d say.
“Should” I Like It and “Do” I Like It Are Different Questions
To be clear, I don’t harbor rape fantasies myself and I can’t claim I understand the appeal for those who do harbor such fantasies. But I don’t need to understand a fantasy to firmly believe that other people have a right to mull it over in their heads.
In my time, I have read and enjoyed some books that I hesitate to recommend to other people, in part because I know it’s likely they’re going to read the same book and come away thinking: “What the fuck is wrong with Calico?”
Jerzy Kozinski’s The Painted Bird falls into this category; it’s a masterpiece, but it’s a fucked up masterpiece, filled with descriptions of absolutely awful, sickening human behavior. (I’m going to leave aside the discussion of whether Kozinski plagiarized portions of the book, or whether it was the work of a ghost writer, because I have no fucking idea whether those things are true, or not; all I know is what I read was very compelling and impactful.)
If you read The Painted Bird and hate it, that’s fine. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to whether you like a book, just differing tastes. But if you read The Painted Bird and hate it so much that it leads you to assume the worst about me as a human being, then I think that says more about you than it does me – or about The Painted Bird, for that matter.
In other words, you can recommend things to people, you can recommend that they avoid those things – hell, you’re even free to say you think people “should” like or dislike those things. What you can’t do, as a practical matter, is tell them what they DO like.
Simply put, that decision is above your pay grade.
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