2022: A Weirdrospective

2022: A Weirdrospective

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com

When it comes to securing a spot on most weird news lists, you have a wide range of options at your disposal. You can, for example, brandish a hatchet in furtherance of stealing donuts, or create paintings using your own blood, or you can go the more ‘traditional’ route and lick a few toads.

But to make Calico’s Weirdrospective, your weirdness needs something more. Namely, you need to be one of those Thai monks who got kicked out of the temple after testing positive for drug use.

Wait, no – that’s incorrect. To make the Calico Weirdrospective, your weirdness must be sexual in nature, or at the very least, sex adjacent.

Of Fake Pussies and the Kind With Arms, Legs, Glasses and a Backpack

2022 was, by any measure other than 2020 and 2021, a very weird year. It was a year in which Wired wrote about artificial hymens, which seem like kind of an odd subject for Wired to address – unless it’s the case that you can check your email using those things, or maybe store your passwords in there.

It was also a year in which some twerp stole a couple t-shirts from the Museum of Sex. And while there’s nothing particularly weird about thievery, you’d think that when faced with a great collection of entertaining stuff the likes of which they have at MOS, this bozo could have come up with something more interesting to pilfer than a couple $30 t-shirts.

Maybe Student Drivers Can Learn Something From These Male Spiders

Of course, just because things are strange doesn’t mean they can’t also be educational. After all, this was also the year I learned that some male spiders “launch themselves at great speed off their cannibalistic female partners, to avoid being eaten after copulating.” (Might this explain my husband’s occasional post coital excursions to the restroom? Is he worried that I might eat him? Or is he just that sensitive about having ejaculate pool up in his navel after receiving a handjob?)

Another interesting fact I learned this year is that a large enough number of people have sex in moving vehicles for researchers to conduct a study of the phenomenon using a sample population of students from just a single Midwestern university. Among other things, this study clearly revealed that I attended the wrong college back in the day. Most of the guys I dated back then didn’t even own cars in which we could fuck, let alone exhibit a desire to do so while zooming down I-10.

Well, There Goes My 15% Discount…

Speaking of high-risk car sex, it turns out some in-vehicle sex acts are so risky, they can even get the company that insures the driver in trouble. Although I suppose, technically, it was the fact the driver in question had HPV, along with what seems to be a poorly worded contract, that may have put Geico behind the 8-ball in this one. Either way, I sure hope this guy isn’t a student at whatever Midwestern university it was where having sex in a moving car is (evidently) the hot new thing.

Meanwhile, in the Land of Kardashian, someone asked Kris Jenner the strangest question earlier this year. According to Entertainment Tonight, Jenner was “Asked If She Helped Release Kim Kardashian’s Sex Tape on Lie Detector Test.”

Admittedly, I don’t know much about lie detector tests, or the machines with which such tests are conducted, but the fact that lie detectors can be used as points of distribution for sex tapes certainly took me by surprise. What other educational surprises await me along these lines? Can I download porn using an IQ test, for example? Can 23 and Me tell me which sex toys to buy, based on my DNA profile? Do I even want to ask what’s included in those doggie DNA tests?

Drumroll Please…

No Calico Weirdrospective would be complete without identifying my single favorite weird news item of the year. It’s a story that, despite its brevity and simplicity, has everything. And when I say everything, I mean it features security camera footage, a crossbow, trouser-enabled shoplifting and – inevitably – Florida Man. I’m speaking, of course, of this glorious February news item: “Florida man shoves crossbow in his pants.” Chef’s kiss, amiright?

What weirdness will 2023 bring? Will male spiders begin getting artificial hymens? Will Florida Man register to attend a Midwestern university? If so, will he bring his crossbow? We’ll all start finding out, just a couple short days from now.

Happy New Year, everybody!