Men Have All the Fun – Even When They’re Guinea Pigs

– Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women

The one and only time I participated as subject in clinical research, I was part of the “control group” in a study on the effectiveness of a newly developed antihistamine.

Since I was being given a placebo, I experienced zero relief of my symptoms – and the only ‘side effect’ was a twice-weekly drive to University Medical Center, where well-instructed volunteers who were not supposed to tip us off as to whether we were part of the experiment or in the control group managed not to acknowledge my questions when I’d say things like: “Any chance you could slip a girl the real thing today, for a change? My eyeballs are so dry and irritated I think they’re about to sprout tumbleweeds.”

men masturbating

Meanwhile, my then-boyfriend – a semi-sentient lump of purported humanity named Bill – got to take part in a “study” where he was given autonomy over a small group of his peers, along with carte blanche to treat them like utter doormats for a six week period.

Many things have changed since I was in college, but one thing clearly remains the same: When it comes to scientific research of dubious merit, men get to have all the fun.

Read on…

Familiarity Breeds Contempt Weak Money Shots

Back in June, a journal called Evolutionary Psychological Science published a straightforward article under the self-explanatory title “Men Ejaculate Larger Volumes of Semen, More Motile Sperm, and More Quickly when Exposed to Images of Novel Women.”

At first blush, my initial thought was: “Wait a minute; since when do guys jerk off while reading novels?” But right as I was trying to picture my husband biting his lower lip and wanking furiously to The Sun Also Rises (something I now greatly regret doing, by the way) I realized what they meant was guys produce more sperm when they jerk off to women they’ve never seen before than they do when jacking off to a “known quantity.”

Intuitively, this makes sense to me, as well as fitting the data I’ve seen in my years of working in the online porn industry. If there’s one thing we porn purveyors know very well, it’s the siren song of new and different talent.

Still, I’m always a bit skeptical of porn-related science, so my thoughts soon turned to the inevitable follow-up question: How did they determine this?

That’s Not ‘Research;’ It’s Late Friday Night at a Frat House

As it happens, the study involved 21 guys, seven porn movies – and one hell of a lot of monkey-spanking.

According to HuffPo, over the course of the study, researchers “analyzed semen samples collected by 21 heterosexual men as they masturbated to seven sexually explicit films from the ‘Intimate Passions’ series over a 15-day period. The first six films featured the same actress and actor, the seventh the same actor but a different actress.”

“When males were exposed successively to the same female six times, we saw no change in ejaculate parameters between the first and sixth exposures to the same female,” according to the study’s abstract. “However, ejaculate volume and total motile sperm count significantly increased when males were exposed to a novel female. Time to ejaculation also decreased significantly upon exposure to a novel female. Thus, our results suggest that human males ejaculate more quickly and invest more in ejaculates with novel females.”

Upon further review, I’m not sure if this is really science, or just a slow night at Sigma Alpha Epsilon.

So, He’s Going to Cheat On Me So He Can Pretend He’s Peter North, Right?

I can almost hear my older brother saying “See: I told you so; guys are hard-wired to want to fuck everything that moves – but only one time for each moving thing, ideally.”

Thankfully for us advocates of (eventual, mid-to-late-life) monogamy, the researchers who spent an inordinate amount of time looking over Dixie Cups full of spunk say my older brother is an asshole.

(OK, what they actually say is he’s oversimplifying things a bit; “asshole” just happens to be my word for people who happen to be related to me and who also tend to oversimplify things a bit.)

“Our study does not suggest anything about whether monogamy was favored or disfavored by natural selection,” explained Dr. Laura K. Sirot, an assistant professor of biology at The College of Wooster and one of the study’s co-authors. “However, the results of this study and other studies of human differential ejaculation behavior suggest that extra-pair (or extramarital) copulations may have occurred in our evolutionary past.”

Uh, “may have occurred” in our “evolutionary past?”

I have news for you Doc Sirot; I can’t exactly speak to our evolutionary past, but those things sure as shit are happening on a nightly basis in our evolutionary present.

Where Do *I* Sign Up To Get Off For Science?

Whether or not this study tells us anything useful (there’s at least one egghead who thinks it means fertility clinics should stop giving guys porn to jerk off to so they can establish a more accurate baseline for the guy’s sperm production), it leaves me feeling somewhat envious, either way.

Instead of having a clinical experience which leaves me wheezing, itchy and ready to slap the shit out of some insensitive prick wearing a white lab coat, just once I’d like to be assigned the task of bringing myself to orgasm for the good of scientific progress.

I’m not even particular about the nature of the study; there has to be some reason why it matters how fast, or hard, or repetitively I can cum, right? Maybe we could compare strictly DIY techniques against the efficacy of vibrators, kind of like the studies which determined wounds covered up with BandAid brand bandages are 30% more compelling as advertisement claims than wounds to which generic bandages are applied, or whatever.

Given everything I know about women’s health concerns taking a back-burner to those of men, I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for such a study…. Unless of course the whole point of the study is to see whether the proverbial ‘four out of five dentists’ will conclude autoerotic asphyxiation makes me cum faster than fucking my husband – in which case, count me in!

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