Male Masturbation Week: Literal vs. Figurative

by Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women and Couples

For me, this whole week has been all about guys masturbating. As this statement could easily be misconstrued if taken out of context, please allow me to explain.

Man Masturbating

Ironically, everywhere I’ve looked this week except around my own home, I keep reading about, watching, listening to or shading my eyes from men masturbating, be it literally or figuratively.

Read on…

Figurative Masturbation: Circle Jerking Around the Point

Just last week, I swear there were at least ten guys standing on a nationally-televised stage, metaphorically masturbating their way through a so-called “debate,” during which I learned several important things, including the facts John Kasich’s father was a mailman, Marco Rubio’s father was a bartender and Ben Carson once removed half of a person’s brain – presumably with that person’s express permission and in the context of a sanctioned surgery, although Carson did not specify such, so we’re left to speculate whether in addition to being a neurosurgeon, he’s a bit of a Victor Frankenstein wannabe.

The one problem with asking guys questions while they’re masturbating, physically or mentally, is they are liable to start spouting off about something completely unrelated, rather than answer your question. This is how it’s possible to ask a man a question about immigration policy and have him respond with a bullet point list of his personal accomplishments in developing the economy of the state of which he is the Governor, for example. Sure, it seems like he’s being an evasive dickhead, but the truth is he just has trouble focusing on what he’s saying while he’s actively picturing Megyn Kelly naked and holding a riding crop.

Literal Masturbation – And Maybe X-Ray Vision, Too?

The other big male masturbation story of the week has been the tale of Gregory Guerin, a resident of Metarie, Louisiana, who now stands accused of masturbating in front of his home three times in the same week.

According to the witness who lodged the first of the three aggravated wanking complaints, on July 26, Guerin “took a seat in a chair in the driveway and began masturbating in full view of the public,” an act for which Guerin was charged with obscenity, disturbing the peace and something called “four outstanding attachment,” as puts it.

Unless “outstanding attachment” is a comment on Guerin’s penis, my guess is it has something to do with prior offenses, unpaid fines, or maybe his profound affection for the aforementioned driveway chair in which he allegedly masturbated.

What really caught my eye, however, is a detail about the second of Guerin’s performance art displays related by HuffPo, not because of what it says about Guerin, but what it might say about the witness.

“On July 29, Guerin was arrested once again after a witness saw him committing the same act under his carport,” HuffPo reports (with emphasis added by me).

Now, as I understand it, the concrete floor of my carport is still part of my carport, so if this witness really observed Guerin masturbating “under his carport,” we can conclude three things: (1) this witness has the enviable super power of X-ray vision; (2) in addition to his special driveway masturbation chair, Guerin has an underground masturbation cave beneath his carport; and (3) Guerin only truly masturbated “in public” twice, which is still pretty damn rude, but precisely 33.33% less rude than doing so three times.

On the Masturbation Bright Side….

If you think about it, as bad as both the Republican primary debate and Guerin’s public indecency triple play might be, both have been a lot worse. At the debate, for example, the trio of Fox News moderators could have asked even more questions inviting the candidates to contemplate military action around the globe, instead of just asking leading questions about the potential need to invade and/or bomb Syria, Iran, Russia, China, North Korea, Mexico and Planned Parenthood.

Similarly, if you’re one of the unfortunate souls who happens to live in the same Metarie neighborhood as Guerin, look at it this way: At least he kept it to his own driveway, right?


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