Confirmed: Men Will Stick Their Dicks Into Just About Anything
[Growing up with a very strange brother who was pretty open about the weird things he did when he was home alone, Calico thought she’d heard it all. but then she heard about Japanese men using toilet paper roll tubes to measure their dicks, and go to wondering what other strange places and things men have been putting their penises in. A few searches later, and Calico was sorry she’d asked.
Read all about it in the new post, “Confirmed: Men Will Stick Their Dicks Into Just About Anything”]
– Calco Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
Growing up, it didn’t take long for me to realize guys are absolutely obsessed with their penises. Whether it’s penis length, girth, shape, ease (or difficulty) of achieving erection, or just the simple fact they possess one, from the first time they notice the thing dangling (ideally) between their legs, it seems like the fellas just can’t get keep their minds or hands off those things.
Among the more entertaining manifestations of this obsession is the tendency of men to stick their dicks into just about anything in which a penis will fit. It’s a quirk which has been celebrated in novels and songs, as well as as approximately 40 of my father-in-law Rich’s favorite limericks – which he’s fond of reciting while operating the barbeque, tongs in one hand, beer bottle in the other.
“There once was a man from Nantucket, who brought home a ham to fuck it. With an orgasmic shout, he pulled his cock out, and now his mad wife wants to chuck it.”
OK, it’s not Shakespeare, but if the goal is to get your poor, proper, raised-right, suddenly-traumatized wife to turn beet-red and leave the backyard quietly muttering to herself about the poor choices she has made in life, it certainly gets the job done.
Rich’s limericks have been ringing through my head all morning, after reading about a trend allegedly sweeping across the men of Japan: Sticking their penises into toilet paper roll tubes to gauge the size of their cherished members.
Well, At Least They’re Not Ruining Dinner
I’ll say this for the Japanese men using toilet paper rolls to measure their cocks: At least doing so doesn’t force anyone to change their dinner plans – other than possibly hastily cancelling such plans with one of these men after catching him in the act, that is.
Lest you think my father-in-law is the only fellow out there thinking about the masturbatory potential of items more traditionally viewed as food, the amusing (if somewhat sad) truth is there’s something of a tradition in literature and music of male characters fucking foodstuffs.
“I believe that I have already confessed to the piece of liver that I bought in a butcher shop and banged behind a billboard on the way to a bar mitzvah lesson,” Phillip Roth once wrote, giving voice to a character named Alex Portnoy. “Well, I wish to make a clean breast of it, Your Holiness. That – she – it –
wasn’t my first piece. My first piece I had in the privacy of my own home, rolled around my cock in the bathroom at three-thirty-and then had again on the end of a fork, at five thirty, along with the other members of that poor innocent family of mine.”
“So. Now you know the worst thing I have ever done,” Portnoy confesses. “I fucked my own family’s dinner.”
And of course, there’s “Sir Richard Pump-A-Loaf,” a curious side-character and “demented bread-boffer” immortalized in Frank Zappa’s “Broken Hearts are for Assholes.”
Frankly, I’m not sure what that was all about – but I am sure I wouldn’t have wanted to eat any of the bread Sir Richard had been pumping. Either way, it’s a dilemma I’ll never have to confront with a toilet paper roll tube, because I’ve just never like the taste of cardboard – and I don’t think anybody’s semen is going to improve on that flavor.
Food Is Just The Tip (Ha! See What I Did There?) Of The Iceberg
Naturally, because men are gross and not nearly concerned enough with the wellbeing of their genitalia, bread, ham, liver and toilet roll tubes aren’t close to being the strangest things in which men have stuck their dicks over the years.
In a post sourced just from a single relevant Reddit thread, bogger Rebecca Jane Stokes related a litany of other poked-by-penis items, including couch cushions, a kitchen counter (!!), an old Scooby Doo doll (“Yeah, that was a weird time in my life,” he concedes) and a female friend’s open-toe shoe, among other things.
Naturally, several food items also made the Reddit confessional/list, including pot pies, Smucker’s jelly (while still in the jar, naturally) and one complex “mixed media” kind of approach which really must be appreciated in its entirety:
“Took a plastic bag, put two slices of ham on each side and filled it with soapy water,” the unidentified Redditor related. “Put it under my parents’ mattress. I was young and expected it to be a good simulation. I was way off and am now very embarrassed.”
You know, when I started this post, I was going to ask my husband what is the strangest thing/place in which he’s ever inserted his penis… but now, I’m afraid to ask.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
Latest posts by Calico Rudasil (see all)
- Humor – And I’d Always Thought I Was From The “Grand Canyon” State… - March 16, 2018
- So, We’re Blaming Porn Mustaches For Political Failures Now? - March 15, 2018
- Now That’s What I Call A Layover! - March 8, 2018