Too Many Kardashians, Not Enough Popcorn

In her latest post, Calico looks at the ongoing dispute between Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna, a conflict which now involves revenge porn, a custody fight, a nasty PR war in the tabloid press, at least one lawsuit, conflicting claims of domestic violence and approximately 375 different reality TV shows. As Calico sees it, there’s only one sensible way to finally settle the score; doing it reality TV-style.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna

Read all about it in the new post, “Too Many Kardashians, Not Enough Popcorn”. Read on…

by Calico Rudasill,

I can’t claim to have watched the rise, fall, re-rise, etc. of the Kardashian family very closely over the years. For that matter, I’m not even sure how many Kardashians there are, how they’re related, who they’ve been fucking, or how many of those they’re fucking play basketball professionally, or used to do so, anyway.

What I do know is the ongoing public relations war between Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna is the sort of drama which could only have happened in a world with both reality television and social media, because even a soap opera’s writing staff couldn’t have dreamed up this stuff.

Revenge porn, dueling claims of domestic violence, cocaine-fueled encounters with strippers and – inevitably, I suppose – a lawsuit which seems poised to bring it all together in a case which is way beyond anything ever heard by Judge Judy.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna
Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna

The Only Certain Verdict: These People Are All Ridiculous

In her lawsuit accusing the family of derailing her own reality TV show, Blac Chyna reportedly claims the relevant Kardashians exerted their “power and influence over the E! network to kill the second season” of “Rob and Chyna.”

To the contrary, sources from the network have told TMZ the fact Chyna refused to be in the same room as Rob rather complicated the idea of continuing the show, although I’m not sure I buy that argument. After all, there are whole reality series dedicated to couples on the verge of divorce, or who have already divorced. Hell, given the incestuous, hybridizing habits of successful reality shows and their various spinoffs, I wouldn’t be shocked to learn there’s a competitive cooking reality show pitting divorced cosmetic surgeons against people who drive big rigs on icy roads.

At any rate, the shameless, inhumane side of me can’t help but think a show on which we saw Chyna receiving texts from Rob in which he sends her a photo of his hand filled with pills and explicit threats to commit suicide would have made for some great TV – provided he didn’t follow through, of course. (Hey, even I’m not coldhearted enough to think of suicide as entertainment, unless it’s cartoon bunny suicides, that is; those are very entertaining.)

I Know You Are, But What Am I (On)?

In response to Chyna’s lawsuit claims, the Kardashians are firing back through the tabloid press by asserting Chyna is the one who has been physically abusive of Rob through all this, not the other way around.

Chyna has claimed Rob knocked her to the ground and hit her in anger, but TMZ’s “Kardashian sources” tell a different story. (By the way, is it just me, but if you didn’t know the family name, would a “Kardashian source” sound like some sort of drug dealer? I always get the good stuff; my Kardashian source gets it straight off the boat…)

“Our Kardashian sources say the real story is this,” TMZ reported. “They claim the day before the incident, Chyna was using coke and drinking alcohol from morning till night. They say later that night Chyna and Rob went to a strip club and Chyna got a stripper to come home with them… We’re told Chyna partied with the stripper all night long, doing more coke and continuing her drinking binge while Rob watched Dream and King Cairo.”

Now, if you’re one of the Kardashian-ignorant like me, watching Dream and King Cairo sounds like a description of Netflix binging, but it turns out those are the names of Rob’s kids. Sure, “King Cairo Kardashian” sounds more like fancy cigarette brand than a child’s name, but to each his and/or her own, I suppose.

On a related note, as they’ve been slugging it out (literally and/or figuratively) over custody of their kids, the L.A. County Dept. of Children and Family Services reportedly has an open case on its docket concerning the welfare of the kids.

Call me crazy, but I think these kids might better off if they were to be raised by Pennywise than either of these two clowns.

Let’s Settle This Reality TV-Style

Honestly, considering the history and context of Rob and Chyna’s ongoing publicity war, there’s only one way which makes sense in terms of how to settle the score, and that’s by combining more reality TV genres into a single, winner-takes-all TV battle.

How about an amazing race from the Ultimate Fighter House to some place in Orange County, or maybe Atlanta, at the end of which Simon Cowell could insult both Rob and Chyna viciously, then let the entire viewing world vote on which one gets to keep the highly customized car?

Hey, don’t laugh; the outcomes decided by some divorce courts are only slightly less absurd.

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