At Least This Porn-Job Offer Makes Some Sense – Or Does It?

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women

Ever since the first such offer (whatever it might have been) got a lot of attention from the mainstream media, porn companies have made a habit of publicly offering jobs in porn to people whose names in the headlines, often for reasons which are less than ideal.

In many cases, other than the being suddenly famous and relatively physically attractive, there appears to be no real connection between the person, the reason for their name being known and the idea of them appearing in (or otherwise facilitating the creation of) pornography.

In that context, I’ll say this for the offer extended to Roberto Esquivel Cabrera: At least he has a specific qualification which has long been important to porn producers.

Read on…

Penis Size Matters, But Only If It’s Functional Size

According to published reports, Cabrera’s penis is 18.9” long when flaccid. I suspect they report this figure not because they think the measure of his erect penis would cause a pandemic of inferiority complex among men around the world, but because poor old Roberto’s prodigious trouser snake can’t become erect.

Even if Cabrera’s super-schlong could reach rigidity, it sounds like he’d be at a serious loss for somewhere to put it.

“Some people ask me if I put some condoms on it and the answer is, I cannot,” Cabrera said. “I can never penetrate anyone because it is too thick.”

Hmmm. Perhaps he’s not such a great candidate for porn, after all.

I mean sure, I’ve met some people with impressively large mouths, but would they really want to try to wrap their lips around a penis with enough foreskin to use as the red carpet at the Oscars?

OK, so I’m exaggerating about the volume of Cabrera’s foreskin, but not by much.

“Doctors recently did a thorough examination of Mr. Cabrera’s penis, confirming suspicions that the bulk of his nearly 20-inch penis is foreskin,” according to the Daily Mail. “His penile glands stretch only seven inches, meaning the rest of his member is completely foreskin and blood vessels.”

If the idea of gnawing on a foot of foreskin isn’t already a deal-killer, it gets worse.

“The sheer size of Mr. Cabrera’s penis causes him a number of health problems, including frequent urinary tract infections because not all his urine escapes his lengthy foreskin,” the article continues, adding that Cabrera “keeps his colossal member wrapped in bandages to escape chaffing.”

Uh, yeah; no way that’s going in my mouth – or anywhere remotely near it, for that matter.

True, porn performers do sometimes agree to do things for pay they probably wouldn’t even consider doing in their daily sex lives, but every woman has her limit – and I suspect for most women, porn star or otherwise, sucking on a perpetually pee-dipped mass of foreskin is probably on the other side of the proverbial line.

Penis Logistics Like These Clearly Mandate A Change In Genre

Having basically ruled out the idea of anyone sucking or being penetrated by Cabrera’s ‘cocklossus,’ it’s time to consider other alternatives. My suggestion is one a macho fellow like Roberto might not like, but at least it seems feasible: The ultimate docking video.

Look, as it is, modern porn is filled with depictions of women fitting as many penises inside a single orifice as physically possible; why not put Roberto’s bountiful foreskin to similar use by setting a world record for most dicks docked simultaneously?

While I don’t think the idea of Cabrera getting it on with a handful of nurse characters (the idea floated by the porn company which offered him a job) will fly, given the physical issues listed above, I do like the idea of a doctor’s office serving as the setting for Roberto’s big docking debut. I envision Roberto playing the doctor and accepting several male patients at once into the same examination room. This way, in promoting the video, the studio would have the opportunity to revive and put a twist on a familiar old rhyme: How many dicks would a dick doc dock if a dick doc could dock dicks?

See, isn’t that a better idea than having a handful of women try unsuccessfully to engage with Cabrera’s font of foreskin in the traditional way?

This is a good example of why the porn industry should embrace the idea of more women coming in as producers and directors, by the way: Not only do we have great ideas for settings, imagery and other aesthetic aspects with which male directors often struggle, we’re also gifted problem-solvers!

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