Ghosts And Recalls: An Odd Week In British Sex News

Ghosts And Recalls. By Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women

When it comes to Ghost product recalls, there have been many over the years were no cause for concern on my part.

The recent recall of Mikesell’s Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips due to the possibility they could be infected with salmonella, for example, never registered on my radar, despite my affection for anything which can be legitimately marketed under the description of “chip.” And while there’s almost nothing I like more than reclining in a big, cozy chair, fortunately I have yet to obtain one which occasionally imparts an unintended electric shock to its occupant.

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Read on…

When I spotted a headline about a vibrator recall, on the other hand, I immediately understood the need to pay close attention – and to double-check a few brand names on some household items around here, if you catch my drift. Ghosts everywhere!

The Vibrator I Want: One Which Doesn’t Require ‘Prolonged Use’

I’m a busy person (well…. not really, but it sounds good as a sentence-starter so let’s just roll with it, shall we?), so I’m always on the lookout for things which can improve my efficiency, like recipes for quickly-made dinners, shoes which can make my feet hurt without having to walk long distances first and men who have the sense to just agree with me without all that arguing about whether driving due west from my house is the best way to get to the airport which is (sure, technically) located about 20 miles south of my place.

One thing I’ve never found, however, is a vibrator which can get the job done faster than the very first one I ever laid hands on. Oh sure, I’ve read about vibrators which are supposed to take me to the promise land on the erogenous zone express bus, and I’ve tried ones with names which certainly imply near-Superman speed, but in my experience, good things of orgasmic sort only come to those who are willing to wait. Again, Ghosts!

The reason I bring up the matter of efficiency is from what I’ve read, the problem behind the recall of the Black Power Wand revolve around the tendency of wires near the base to become exposed “over a period of prolonged use” – and I’m having trouble imaging any other way of using the device.

This might need some explaining for the menfolk reading this post, so the rest of you, just indulge me for a moment.

You see gents, all those exciting scenes from your favorite porn movies notwithstanding, most of us ladies don’t immediately start climaxing as soon as our clitoris is exposed to oxygen. In fact, let’s say you want to elicit more than a few shortened, shallow breaths as a response to your cunnilingual efforts, you’d better be prepared to be down there for more than the average of eleven seconds of male-on-female oral sex depicted in a lot of mainstream hetero porn.

Yes, I know: Some women can reach orgasm very quickly. I know this because I have a friend or two who have irritated me severely with excruciatingly detailed descriptions of their rapidly-achieved, seemingly endless streams of multiple orgasms. But just because I (grudgingly) concede the existence of such women doesn’t mean I have to like it.

None of this has anything to do with the Black Power Wand, of course (a device which, by all rights, really ought to be shaped like fist) or the recall thereof, but does satisfy my need to bitch about the unfairness of life, which is why I got into writing in the first place.

Any Chance This ‘Sex Ghost’ Is Available On Demand?

The other recent sex-news item from the U.K. which caught my eye is a lot more intriguing than a product recall: It’s about a “sex ghost.”

According to Kadeena Cox, a paralympian taking part in a reality TV show called “The Jump,” she was violated by a ghost, which was “going in and out of her.”

While I have no desire to be penetrated by an uninvited ghost, if this sex ghost is willing and able to perform on demand, I’d be more than happy to have him haunting my pantry, or toolshed, or wherever it is sex ghosts like to hang out. Such a ghoul could really come in handy on those nights when a certain male resident of my household is too tired after work, or too full after dinner, or too depressed after watching the nightly news, or otherwise uninterested in fulfilling his only real, valid purpose on this earth husbandly duties.

On the other hand, if this is a British sex ghost we’re talking about, I don’t want him moving into my cupboard until he does something about those teeth. Anybody know an orthodontist who has experience working with ectoplasmic teeth?

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