Humor: Just When You Thought You’d Seen It All (From Penises)

Just When You Thought You’d Seen It All (From Penises)

One of the best things about the internet is that you can learn all sorts of obscure facts that you might not otherwise learn. True, some of these are ‘factoid’ than fact and many others are just made up bullshit or the fever dream of some conspiracy obsessed former President, but they’re out there for you to discover, in any event.

Calico has learned a lot about penises from the internet — and no, not just by watching more porn than any person probably ought to watch. She does occasionally read about penises on the internet, beyond just looking at them there, you know.

Some of the things Calico has learned about penises from the internet have been fun facts, some have been fascinating and others have been downright frightening — and not just because of the terrifying people to which penises are occasionally connected. 

The most recent thing Calico has learned from the internet about penises is also one of the strangest things she has learned about penises from any source — up to and including a guy she dated in college, who called his penis “Carl” and acted as though it responded to him when he’d ask Carl questions.

So, what strange new fact has Calico learned about penises? Will it make her husband jealous? Is it possible for a man to be jealous of a monotreme? Find out in Calico’s latest post: “Just When You Thought You’d Seen It All (From Penises)”

– Calico Rudasill, Exclusive adult movies for women and couples

Funny Penis pillow

Read on…

Much of what I know about penises I’ve learned by directly interacting with them. Most of those interactions have been at least somewhat pleasant, although the degree of pleasure has varied wildly, from “Eh, that was better than staying home and watching TV, I guess” to “Don’t you dare try to leave this house buddy, because just as soon as you can sustain an erection again, we’re going to be right back at it, so help me god.”

The rest of what I know about penises I’ve learned from two sources – sex education classes I took decades ago and

If You Need More Than Half A Ruler to Measure Penises, You’re Above Average

One of the things that I learned from LiveScience about penises is that the average size of an erect penis, at least among the 1,661 men who were part of a study conducted by Journal of Sexual Medicine, is about 5.56 inches. 

This was welcome news to my husband, who discovered to his satisfaction that his penis is about 0.44 inches longer than average. (As someone who derives her orgasms from clitoral stimulation, I honestly couldn’t care less about penis size, but I was happy to be able to pass that information along to him, nonetheless.)

LiveScience also taught me there are other factors involved in penis size measurements than I’d realized. Apparently, a man can’t just whip out a ruler along with his erect penis and come up with a definitive measure, because “those who measured their penises after oral sex or intercourse sported larger penises than those who relied on fantasy alone.” I didn’t tell my husband that part, because it would only have led to an immediate demand for a blowjob and the measuring tape – which has been missing in action ever since I misplaced it when I last tried to sew something, which I believe was in the spring of 2004.

Keep That Thing In Your Pants – And Maybe Make Those Pants Kevlar

Some penis facts are downright frightening – or would be downright frightening, had I been alive and sexually active around 700,000 years ago. Evidently, that’s about the point where we started to diverge from other primates and men lost their penis-spines.

I don’t know about you, but I want zero to do with any penis that has spines on it. Among other things, I grew up in southern Arizona, so I’ve had just about enough of spines from cacti – especially from the cylindropuntia fulgida, a plant better known as the “jumping cholla” for its tendency to detach so easily from the main plant that they almost seem to leap off the plant and into your skin.

By the way, the word “spine,” I can’t help but note, is an anagram for “penis.” Coincidence?

Do They Measure Them Each Separately And Add It Up?

The latest thing I’ve learned about penises from Live Science is that echidna penises have four heads on them.

“One of the biggest monotreme mysteries is the echidna penis, which has four separate heads, or glans, at the end of the shaft,” Harry Baker reports for the site. “If that wasn’t weird enough, only two of the heads are used during each erection, and echidnas can alternate between which two they use.”

Part of me wonders if the article I’m reading is satire. I mean, come on; “Harry Baker”? If that doesn’t sound like a name my brother made up as a nickname – possibly for his penis – I don’t know what does.

On the bright side, this is a penis fact I can share with my husband, because (a) he won’t be envious of a monotreme with poly-penis and (b) there’s nothing about that fact that is going to cause him to request immediate oral sex.

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