It’s National Masturbation Month, and depending on your viewpoint this is an idea that is either a stroke of genius or rubs you the wrong way.
I personally think it’s brilliant, because Costco sells batteries in bulk and some nights it feels just plain wrong to neglect the imaginary affair I’m having with Benedict Cumberbatch to fuck a real person.
Of course not everyone agrees with my positive view of being touchy-feely with one’s naughty bits. A month devoted to masturbation has caused much hand-wringing among conservative types, which is a damn shame because if they just moved those wringing hands between their legs they’d finally understand what all the fuss is about.
But that’s unlikely to happen, and maybe they are seriously concerned about where masturbation can lead. Blindness, madness, hairy palms, acne and reduced sperm count are among the things the religious types warn about. They don’t mention carpal tunnels syndrome, so I’m throwing that in there.
But it’s not even the physical risks that are the anti-wanking crowd finds most egregious. It’s the spiritual risks. According to one Christian website, the danger isn’t so much in the stroking and probing, but what’s behind it. Apparently, jacking off or petting your kitty is probably OK if you’re thinking about your spouse. It’s only a sin if you’re thinking about someone else.
Of course, this means I’m going to hell. But on the upside I’ll be able to get PeeWee Herman’s autograph. And I’ll be able to meet William Blakely, the Tennessee guy who was in the news last month for masturbating out of his car window while driving 90 mph. And the best part? Blakely was reported to have had his penis out the window while doing this. Now I don’t know how men are built in Tennessee, but I do know if a guy can get his dick out of a car window while keeping his foot on the gas that’s worth seeing, even if it means risking a high speed load to the face as he whizzes by.
A few months back I wrote a column on Mormons, a group that’s pretty freaked out by masturbation no matter who you’re thinking about. One of their pamphlets recommends taking a Bible or Book of Mormon to bed and holding it really, really tight if you feel the urge to masturbate. Other handy tips included exercising and hanging around with other people in denial about their sexual frustrations.
Another tip I read today suggests thinking unsexy thoughts. So I’m going to try it – live – right now as I write. First I’m going to think of a guy I really want to fuck.
OK. And now I’m thinking unsexy thoughts.
Clowns, math, Ayn Rand, that time I broke my leg, snow peas, parallel parking, cankles, NASCAR…
Nope. Not working.
Apparently more extreme measures are required, and online I perfectly found awful pictures of chastity belts and penile devices that I will not share with you because, frankly, they’re just depressing.
Maybe I’ll just have a box of Graham crackers. It’s a little known fact that the inventor Sylvester Graham was of the opinion that a bland diet would curb lustful thoughts. And so he created a cracker made just for that purpose. But judging by the success of S’Mores and the popularity of fucking around campfires, he called that one all wrong.
Bottom line: Sex is healthy, whether it’s with yourself, yourself and your imaginary friend or yourself and someone else. Hell, throw in your imaginary friend and you can finally have that three-way you always wanted.
If that’s not a reason to celebrate I don’t know what is.
Happy Masturbation Month, everybody!
Sssh.com, the erotica and sexuality site created by and for women, and adult pleasure product makers The Screaming O have teamed up to observe National Masturbation Month with a giveaway of Screaming O Bullet Vibes for the first 250 lucky new Sssh.com members who sign up during the month of May.
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