Humor: Cannabis, Sex and DIY Science

Humor: Cannabis, Sex and DIY Science

If you spend much time on social media, you’ve probably seen all sorts of wild science claims about the benefits of cannabis and cannabis extracts like CBD oil. To hear cannabis advocates tell it, weed is the solution to everything from acne and halitosis to cancer and COVID-19.

Some science people also claim cannabis use enhances sex and boosts their sex drive, but how good is the science behind these claims? Does the data and research support the memes and commonly-shared headlines? Perhaps most importantly, which strains should Calico smoke if she wants to orgasm like mad, but NOT make herself sick binge-eating Cheetos after sex?

Thankfully for all her fellow seekers, Calico has taken it upon herself (and her husband, who happily consented to being a guinea pig for this one) to hold a series of clinical science trials of her own. Armed with jars labeled with names like “Purple Urkle” and “Trainwreck” and “Strawberry Cough,” Calico has bravely endeavored to demystify the purported connection between cannabis and better sex. Was she successful? Find out in her new post, “Cannabis, Sex and DIY Science.

by Calico Rudasill, Indie Sex movies for Women and Couples

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Read on…

If your social media friend circle is anything like mine, then you’ve got a number of very passionate cannabis users (people we used to call “stoners” back before everyone got so freaking hypersensitive that even calling yourself a stoner is probably considered hate speech by somebody these days) who share a lot of articles and videos about cannabis and its many wonderous properties.

Many of these posts probably make some sort of fantastic claim about the alleged health benefits of cannabis, some of which will just flatly and incredibly state in meme form that cannabis “cures cancer”, while others will at least adopt a more academic tone and acknowledge that’s not really what the best available science on the question shows, while still promoting the basic idea that cannabinoids offer some anti-cancer benefits.

Hell, even the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health, a division of the National Institutes of Health, will tell you that drugs containing cannabinoids “may be helpful in treating certain rare forms of epilepsy, nausea and vomiting associated with cancer chemotherapy, and loss of appetite and weight loss associated with HIV/AIDS” and “some evidence suggests modest benefits of cannabis or cannabinoids for chronic pain and multiple sclerosis symptoms.”

Come for the High, Stay for the Sex

That’s all well and good, but it’s not really in my wheelhouse, which is sex – or, more to the point, making sophomoric jokes about sex, porn and basically anything that comes close enough to touching on those topics that I can justify being a wiseass about it.

Luckily, there’s plenty of material about there about how cannabis enhances sex, but most are sort of vague for my tastes. I don’t just want to know, in some general and uncertain sense, that using cannabis will improve my sex life; I want to know which kinds of cannabis will impact my sex life and precisely how they will impact it.

Imagine my excitement, then, when the respected medical journal known as published a primer on “the best strains for arousal, according to cannabis and sex experts.” At last, my Chronic-Sex-Ship has come in!

You know, come to think of it, I’m really, really lazy – so I sure hope that there’s a single strain that’s perfect for everyone when it comes to increasing our arousal, so I don’t have to go hunting around multiple dispensaries just to find the kind that’s going to unlock a whole new world of pleasure for me.

Cannabis, Sex and… Barry Manilow?

“There is no such thing as the perfect strain for all…yet,” says Jaron Gladstone, the co-founder of CBCeuticals and apparent “cannabis expert”, immediately dashing my hopes for a simple go-to strain for my sex-pot.

“Think of shopping for condoms or toys,” Gladstone adds. “Often, you will find a variety of shapes and sizes to appease everyone’s interests.”

Oh no; Jaron’s not about to try to sell me on battery-powered, Bluetooth-connected vibrating indica, is he?

“Just think about the experience you’re about to have and try to match the strain that best fits,” Gladstone says – a piece of advice that seems best tailored to people already familiar with many different strains. “If you’re looking for a Barry Manalo style, long and romantic sex experience consider going with an indica-based weed like Bubblegum Kush.”

This advice raises so many questions. First, who the hell is “Barry Manalo?” You didn’t mean Barry “Manilow” did you, Jaron? And if you did, you didn’t mean 2020 Barry Manilow, right? Because nobody, not even Barry Manalo, wants to have sex 2020 Barry Manilow-style.

Into the Lab We Go!

Manilow/Manalo questions aside, Jaron’s advice makes a certain intuitive sense to me. We’re all different, so the same strain that gets one person’s juices flowing might send another person into a paranoia spiral and the next thing you know, they’re hiding from their partner because they think “she might be a cop.”

Ever determined to be outstanding DIY scientists, my husband and I decided to gather up a bunch of different strains and begin doing some testing of our own. Unfortunately, I think our results may have been skewed by our lack of experience in setting up effective clinical trial protocols.

To start with, I believe in most clinical trials, the researchers and the trial participants are different groups of people. This may be especially important when researching the effects of cannabis, because it turns out that crunching numbers is a lot less satisfying than crunching Doritos when you’re higher than Tommy Chong in 1978.

Undaunted by our inexperience and early stumbles, we forged ahead. When it comes to the results of our experimentation, my notes are a bit ambiguous, though. They’re filled with lines like “Trainwreck; thought this was an Amy Schumer movie??” and “Grandaddy Purple: May have smoked too much; can’t find bedroom”, for example.

Admittedly, this cannabis-sex research of ours is a work in progress. And as any good scientist knows, the key to experimentation is repetition to confirm and authenticate your results. This very afternoon I have three hours set aside for us to tackle our next trial, which is being conducted to supplement the findings of my upcoming study: “Six Hits of Sour Diesel and 12 Minutes in ‘Reverse Cowgirl’: Will He Fall Asleep in the Chair Again?”

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