Alternative Suggestions for Treating “Refilled Nest Syndrome”

Alternative Suggestions for Treating “Refilled Nest Syndrome”

For some parents, the prospect of “empty nest syndrome” — the web of complex emotions parents experience once their children have left home — is a scary prospect. For others, it might signal an opportunity to do all sorts of things they couldn’t do previously, like turn a bedroom into a crafting room, or renting out a room to a mysterious stranger, or fucking in a standing position in the middle of the living room at 4pm just because they feel like it, dammit!

What happens an adult child who had previously moved out moves back in, throwing a wrench into the gears of the formerly empty-nesters’ sex lives? What should parents do when they feel like they can’t do it doggy style on the sofa, very loudly, in the middle of the night?

While some folks suggest that parents in those circumstances merely abstain from sex until they are granted some time alone, Calico favors a more proactive response. What does she suggest? Is it legal? Will your own adult children stop calling, let alone visiting, if you do these things? Would Calico honestly know the difference between imported Russian vodka and vodka purchased in Russia? Read on as Calico offers “Alternative Suggestions for Treating ‘Refilled Nest Syndrome'”. 

– Calico Rudasill,

Empty Nest Syndrome

As the youngest child in my family and a large age gap between myself and my oldest sibling, the day I moved out of my parents’ home marked the first time in many years since they’d had the house to themselves. 

My mom would joke about needing therapy for “empty nest syndrome” (“ENS”) in one breath, then with her next, make me reassure her I didn’t need to move home in between semesters. I think part of her was indeed sad to her kids all grown up and moved out, but I have no doubt an equally large portion of her was relieved to have more space, privacy and quiet than she’d enjoyed since her own college days.

For some folks, ENS is no laughing matter, of course, but I think mom sailed through it pretty well – aided no doubt by my older brother’s occasional returns to the nest, whenever he’d get kicked out his place by a girlfriend, landlord, jailer or nightwatchman.

Welcome Home, Son! So… When Are You Moving Back Out?

My bet is that having mixed reactions to ENS is the norm, not the exception. I’m guessing a lot of parents miss their kids, but would prefer more frequent visits over cohabitation, given a choice – and I’m further guessing this is especially true of parents who find their sex lives revitalized by their empty nests.

“My husband and I were sad when our grown-up son flew the nest, but I have to say it was a boost for our relationship – especially our sex life,” asks an unidentified reader to Suzi Godson of the Irish Examiner. “We were naked a lot more often. Now our son has lost his job and moved home, it has ruined things a bit and we can’t be spontaneously romantic around the house. What can we do?”

Godson gives some useful information and suggestions in response, I suppose, but her tips are a bit timid for my taste. 

Establishing “secret communications” with one’s spouse, like surreptitiously texting your husband while your son “stands staring into the open fridge,” is a cute idea – I just advocate for the more direct approach.

The More Direct Approach

While I can appreciate the appeal of building sexual tension and excitement by denying myself immediate gratification at times when I want sex, I just have no patience for such things when I’m within the walls of my own home. (The fact that we don’t have children is likely closely related to this attitude in part, now that I think about it.)

Freely admitting that it’s easy for me to say this as a woman whose nest has always been empty by design, I think once my nest had emptied, I’d want it to stay that way. Picturing myself as a woman with kids who are old enough to have moved out, who then return to the nest in a way that messes with my sex life, I do believe I’d lose my shit just a bit – and that probably wouldn’t do much for my relationship with my hypothetical son, now would it?

I think in those circumstances, rather than relying solely on hypothetical my son leaving the house on his own schedule to create opportunities for sex with my husband, I’d quickly resort to trickery, bribery, blackmail and just about anything else it took to get him out of the house, ideally for long stretches of time.

Preying on my son’s presumably unyielding love for his mother and concern for her welfare, I would ask him to do my shopping for me – and then specify that I want my perishables from a market on one side of town, my canned goods from a market on the other side of town and my liquors like Russian vodka and Mexican tequila from their respective countries of origin, please.

Since a lot of people seem to cringe until they fold into the fetal position at the very thought of their parents having sex, let alone being confronted with the immediate presence of a naked parent, I think would also inevitably turn to weaponizing both my own and my husband’s nakedness to frighten my hypothetical, sex-blocking progeny away.

Look, I didn’t say these suggestions would be nice, honest, or ethical; I’m strictly aiming for efficacy here!

Toss your kids out of the house and want to turn up the volume on some porn movies?  Here you go! Click Here for a walk on the wild side.

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