Someone Needs To Put These Guardian Readers In Touch With Each Other

Read on…

by Calico Rudasil, Sssh.com Sex Movies For Women and Couples

If you’re someone who writes about sex, pornography, celebrities and the intersection of those things (and more), the British media is the gift that just keeps giving. Sure, British media mostly give rank rumor, indecent innuendo and scurrilous speculation – but those still count as gifts when your standards are as low as mine are.

I mean, where would I be without The Sun? Well, for one thing, I’d be in complete ignorance of the fact that some guy found out his wife had sex with a married friend of his back before he married her and this somehow makes him figure it’s OK for him to have an affair now.

Who Knew? The Sun Has Nothing On The Guardian

The real beauty of the British media is that you don’t have to rely solely on publications generally considered “tabloids” to get your fix of saucy sex-related items, because even The Guardian has some to offer – courtesy of its own readers, no less.

Reading over some of these letters, which the Guardian appears to publish in the hopes that other Guardian readers will step forward with helpful advice, it occurs to me that all some of these folks really need is each other’s contact information. If only they could connect, discuss each other’s problems and propose solutions which are sitting there in the open, staring them in the face, there’d be no need for nosey people like me to read about their various dilemmas.

Mr. Frustrated, Meet Lady Getsiton-Alot

For example, in one recent missive to the Guardian’s “Private lives” section, an unidentified 55-year-old woman reports that she’s “recently divorced… after a virtually sexless marriage” and not long ago began seeing “someone who has turned out to be an amazing lover.”

This might sound great on its face, but the anonymous author – let’s call her “Eager Eileen” – worries that “sex has taken over my life.”

“He lives at the other end of the country, which means we can spend only every other week together, but when we do, we’ll have sex as many as seven or eight times a day,” Eileen continues. “Should I just go with it or try to get my mania for sex under some sort of control?”

I think Eileen is ignoring another option: Take a lover who lives closer to home and have sex eight times a day every week, instead of just those weeks she’s able to spend with her current lover. And as fate would have it, I have a fellow in mind for the position.

Not long before Eileen sent in her letter, a guy I’ll call “Blue Balls Bill” sent in one of his own, in which Bill reported that while he’d been in “a very happy relationship for seven years,” ever since his partner entered menopause, her “sex drive has hit zero.”

“She has no interest in intimacy and can see no change in the future,” Bill lamented. “She has said I should find someone else to satisfy that part of my life and has repeated this a number of times. I am reluctant to do so, but the temptation is growing stronger.”

Bill, Eileen, I think the two of you need to meet, especially if you happen to live closer to each other than do Eileen and her current lover. And if it doesn’t work out, no worries – Eileen can keep her lover in the dark for now and just confess all this to him later, once they’re married. After all, thanks to the guy mentioned earlier who wrote into The Sun, we already know the right solution is for Eileen’s lover to have an affair once her secret comes out.

A Backup Plan For Bill (And/Or Eileen)

Naturally, because I’m always thinking ahead, I have a backup plan in mind for Bill, should things between him and Eileen not work out. As it turns out, there’s another Guardian reader whose problem mirrors Bill’s own. 

This woman (for whom I’m not going to make up a pseudonym for because I’m almost done with this post and I’m lazy like that) says that while her husband of nine years is a “good man” who “cooks for us and takes the kids to school,” he doesn’t sexually satisfy her.

“I was his first girlfriend, although I had a few sexual partners before him,” the undersexed woman adds. “He is clumsy in bed, and often foreplay involves a lot of awkward elbows digging into me or fingers poking me uncomfortably. His lack of confidence is really unappealing. I also feel like a nag because I have to remind him to do anything around the house. I am struggling to feel I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Is there anything we can do to make our marriage better?”

Yes, there’s something you can do to make your marriage better – or maybe end it, if the good man ever finds out in the middle of making one of those dinners you apparently must nag him into cooking. You can hook up with Bill, if things don’t work out with him and Eileen. 

Or, for that matter, don’t rule out hooking up with Eileen. After all, if better and more frequent sex is what you’re after, she sounds like the anonymous Guardian reader to turn to…