For Better Sex, Try… Withholding Sex?

For Better Sex, Try… Withholding Sex?

Lots of people are talking about celibacy from sex lately — and not just because they’re stuck sheltering in place with no hookups in sight. It seems like ever since Orlando Bloom talked about how taking a six-month break from sex did wonders for his outlook and relationship, all kinds of folks have come out of the woodwork advising that we all give this celibacy thing a try.

Some of these suggestions come with sensible and reasonable ideas about how and why taking a break from sex can make your future sex life better and more rewarding. Other tips, while they might work just fine for some people, seem downright unworkable to Calico — or more to the point, would be rejected outright by her husband, whose own ideas for improving one’s sex life all involve, necessarily, having sex.

What does Calico see as the true deal-breaker in the celibacy suggestion? Does anybody really want to spend 10 minutes just staring at their partner in silence? Is Orlando Bloom the guy from those old ‘Make 7Up Yours’ commercials? What does any of this have to do with Legolas or Will Turner? Find out in Calico’s latest post, “For Better Sex, Try… Withholding Sex?”

sex Celibacy

by Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women and Couples

It seems like there is a lot of talk these days about the myriad benefits of celibacy, or relatively short-term celibacy at least, especially as something that will benefit relationships and intimacy in the long term.

The celebration of celibacy seems to have kicked up when Orlando Bloom (who I sometimes confuse with Orlando Jones of “Make 7Up Yours” fame, but that’s both my problem and a whole other story) opened up about the benefits of taking a six-month break from sex, himself.

“I was really enjoying the way I was relating to women, and to the feminine within myself,” Bloom said of his (alleged) half-year celibacy stint. 

Granted, I’m not sure what that means, or how not having sex enabled Orlando to better relate to the feminine within himself, but I do know it is decidedly NOT the strangest thing I’ve read about Orlando Bloom.

Back Off, Tracey!

This post isn’t about Orlando Bloom though (or his dead dog’s penis), though – it’s about celibacy, what it apparently can do for our sex lives and how I think the suggestion might work, or not, in my own sex life.

First, let’s look at what another famous person, this time noted sexpert Tracey Cox, has to say about the benefits of a planned, agreed-to and structured period of celibacy can do for a couple.

“If you’re not allowed something, you immediately want it,” Cox writes for The Daily Mail. “Impose a sex ban and your partner – who we like to think of as on tap for sex, 24/7 – suddenly isn’t available and becomes instantly more appealing because of it.”

Listen, Tracey, while I’m certainly open to your advice, you have got to stop thinking of my partner as on “tap for sex, 24/7.” I mean, you haven’t even met the guy and you think you can hit him up at 2am for some kind of transatlantic booty call? You’ve got some serious nerve, woman!

“Banning sex recreates the same dynamic that makes affair sex so erotic,” Cox continues, clearly suggesting that she’s been having an affair with someone – someone who had better not be my partner, in light of that earlier remark.

Her weirdly impersonal flirtations with my husband aside, I can see how there’s some sense to this idea. After all, it works for heroin addicts. Toss out the stash and syringe used by your favorite junkie sometime and he/she will quickly confirm the old saying: “Absence makes the veins grow fonder.”

Honey, I’ve Been Thinking; Maybe We Should See Stare at Other People

I imagine you might have the same question for Tracey that I do: If I’m not fucking my partner, how the hell are we supposed to pass the time that normally would be spent fucking each other?

The good news is Tracey has some suggestions for how to fill the time during your mutually negotiated celibacy period. The bad news is it involves the two of you sitting there, just kind of staring at each other. Then you get naked – but not to have sex.

“Sit opposite each other and stare into each other’s eyes and faces for a full five minutes,” Cox advises. “For the next step, remove your clothes and examine each other’s bodies (five minutes again) – but only using your hands and eyes. Remember, you’re exploring and observing NOT stimulating.”

OK, got it – look and touch, but don’t stimulate. What if he, you know, gets stimulated anyway?

“Even if you do find this highly erotic, don’t act on it or deliberately touch to turn on,” Tracey says. “Don’t speak during the exercise. Only when you’ve finished, give each other a rundown on what felt good, what didn’t and what you discovered about each other.”

Spoiler alert: The part that doesn’t feel good is going to be the bit about staring at each other for 10 minutes, five of them in the nude.

Celibacy Suggestion: Firmly Rejected

Just to sort of gauge the potential efficacy of this proposed technique, I asked my husband what he’d think of sitting there, for 10 minutes, first just staring into my eyes, then getting naked and touching each other, but not having sex as part of the bargain.

“Cal, that shit is just not gonna happen,” he said. “Not ever.”

But honey, I pleaded, Tracey is a sexpert; shouldn’t we at least try out her advice?

“I know an expert in sky diving,” my husband responded, “but I’m never jumping out of a fucking airplane just because he recommends it, either.”

Oh well. So much for the idea of Tracey’s brand of celibacy as a means of enhancing our intimacy. 

I guess we’ll just have to keep working on our sex life the old-fashioned way – an approach we like to call “Practice Makes Perfect.”

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