How NOT to Ask for What You Want Sexually

How NOT to Ask for What You Want Sexually

We all know communication between partners is essential for an optimal sex life, but communicating your sexual desires is harder than it sounds for many people. Among other things, we often hesitate to communicate our desires clearly, because we don’t want to alienate or upset our partners, make them feel inadequate, or wind up with the wrong foreign object in the wrong orifice.

Calico is, as she readily admits, just about useless when it comes to offering advice on communicating your sexual desires, because her direct method simply isn’t for everybody. More specifically, it isn’t for people who are easily embarrassed, sensitive to their partner’s emotions, or who have even a shred of the empathy Calico so clearly and entirely lacks.

Still, even if she can’t give good advice, Calico can still point people in the right direction, simply by pointing them in the opposite direction from the one she has taken. If Calico sexually zigs, you should sexually zag, in other words.

Which of Calico’s practices and proclivities should you avoid? All of them, clearly. But which specifically, you might ask? For answers, you need scroll no further than just below this text, where you’ll find Calico’s latest post: “How NOT to Ask for What You Want Sexually.”

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Award Winning Erotic Movies 

Read on…

As I’ve noted several times before, it’s best for everyone that I’m not a sex-advice columnist. For starters, it’s not as though my own sex life has been a model of healthy, sensible choices, so I’d feel like a fraud telling other people how to conduct their own sex lives. In that sense, coming to me for sex advice would be a little like asking Wesley Snipes for advice on filing your tax return.

I’m also prone to saying and writing insensitive things, particularly when the person on the receiving end of the statement is a man. Why? Well, frankly, between my husband and my male family members, friends, bosses and fellow passengers on public transportation, I’ve heard enough whining and butthurt from men to last several lifetimes. As such, my advice to them generally can be summed up as “Oh, just STFU already, dude.”

“Don’t Do What Callie Can’t Does”

My lifelong sex life fumbles, stumbles and bumbles don’t mean that I’m entirely useless as a source of sex advice, of course – because if nothing else, I can serve as a negative example that should not be followed. Just think of me as being like “Donny Don’t,” only with sex instead of knives.

A recent column on OprahMag.com provides a perfect opportunity for me to impart some of my non-wisdom, in that it addresses “How to Ask for What You Want Sexually.” The column is filled with useful, sensible, practical tidbits of the sort of advice I’ve been ignoring my entire life.

“The place where I normally start with patients is helping them get curious about what’s stopped them from asking for what they want in bed in the past,” the article quotes therapist Casey Tanner as saying. “Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”

Maybe that’s my problem – I was never truly “socialized” at all. My parents just turned me loose in a room full of books and told me not to play with matches. I get the sense they spent more time teaching my older sisters how to function in society, at least judging by our wardrobes.

What’s the Over/Under on Oral Tonight?

Anyway, let’s get back to the Oprah article, in which the first specific tip offered is “to ask for what you want in bed, start by lowering the stakes.”

Lowering the stakes? There’s a wager involved here? Maybe I’m not the only one doling out bad sex advice, after all. Is there a point spread, too? If so, that seems far too vulnerable to manipulation, if you ask me. I mean, if I say to my husband “Odds are looking great that you’ll get a blowjob tonight!” I can then easily fix the game against him simply by not giving him the blowjob. 

I suppose I’m probably reading too much into this tip, right?

“You don’t have to be a hundred percent sure you’re going to love something in order to ask for it,” Tanner says. “Some people think, ‘if I ask for it, I better like it!” But how do we know we like it if we haven’t tried it yet?”

Ah, I see now – by lower the stakes, she means the stakes for me as the one asking for the sexual thing. That makes more sense, but it’s also advice that’s lost on me, because I tend to ask for things I know I like and do so in a way that makes it clear I give not one fuck whether my husband also likes doing it. “Get down there right damn now and use your tongue to do the only thing it’s good for, pal” is more my style.

What if I’m Far More Impatient Than Nervous?

The next tip is “know when to ask in the moment, and when to wait.” This is probably very good advice, judging by how opposite it is of my own proclivity, which is to demand what I want the moment it occurs to me, regardless of what’s going on at the time. (To be fair, this is true of my non-sexual demands as well, which explains why I once demanded that my attorney fetch me a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Chubby Hubby” in the middle of a lawsuit deposition.)

The next tip is predicated with “if you’re afraid to hurt their feelings…” so I’m just going to skip it. The last time I was afraid to hurt my husband’s feelings, I decided not to tell him he was assembling some Ikea furniture incorrectly, which is how we wound up with a highly unstable half-bookshelf in the living room.

Next up is the tip “avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never’” which I can relate to, because people are always telling me this and I never listen. 

Next: “If you’re nervous, say so.” 

Me, nervous, in front of my husband? Please; I almost fell asleep at the altar. The last time I felt nervous around him was the night we met – and even then it was only because he was shitfaced drunk, holding a rusty machete and demanding a duel with a mesquite tree he’d somehow mistaken for his chemistry professor. (Long story; don’t ask.)

At any rate, you get the picture: This Oprah article is packed with good, sound, well-reasoned advice of the sort I could just never offer, follow or embody – which is precisely how you can rest assured it’s good advice.

Now, it’s off to the bedroom for me… where in a just a few minutes, I’ll be wearing a strap-on dildo and letting my husband know I’d like to experiment with pegging by yelling “Roll over, Slappy: I’m going in!”

Enjoy hot and sexy movies to spice up your sex life? Click here for Sssh.com Erotic Movies For Women