Op-Ed – Where Not To Stick Your Penis

By Fiona Wilde
Seriously, guys. I should not have to write this column. But after reading about a man in Sweden who died after fucking a hornet’s nest, I figured it was time for a little Public Service Announcement about Where Not To Stick Your Penis.

Read on…

Maybe it was that alluring, come-hither drone of hundreds of pissed-off hornets. Maybe it was a desire for the most swollen erection of his life. Maybe he hoped to find someone willing to suck out the venom. But whatever motivated the man only identified as “Hasse” to ejaculate into a mass of stinging insects, it did not end well. You’ve not seen Angry until you’ve seen a cum-covered European hornet.

Hasse died.

But this got me thinking: WTF? And for grins I Googled “man gets penis caught,” and found that there’s a veritable epidemic of wrong-headed copulation going on. The first news item came from China, where a man got his penis stuck in a park bench he was fucking.

“Really?” you ask. Yes, really.

After a heroic effort by rescuers, our bench-humping friend was cut free of his metal lover. According to the article, an hour longer and he would have lost his penis.

Let this be a lesson to you: If you absolutely must hump a piece of furniture, pick something with cushions. In private. Because being being outdoors just presents too many temptations for men, like this other guy who got his penis caught in a camp stove.

He told the ER nurse he was “a horny man,” and while I’m sure all guys appreciate the desire to have sex around a campfire, most of you draw the line at having sex with the campfire. And how did this make his girlfriend feel, knowing he wanted S’more sex but not with her? (See what I did there?)

Other places men have gotten their dicks stuck: Wedding rings, beer bottles and pasta jars. The latter happened in Australia, where a man led cops on a low-speed chase before being pulled over and pepper-sprayed for refusing to leave his vehicle. It seems he’d been reluctant to get out because he was embarrassed about having his swollen penis wedged in the jar he’d been masturbating into. No word on wether he was embarrassed about also being discovered with women’s stockings and a Jack Russell Terrier.

Some guys would argue that sticking your dick in an inanimate object – or even a nest of killer hornets – is preferable to the mistake of sticking it in the wrong person. A park bench isn’t going to show up at your house at 3 a.m. and trash your car because you didn’t call it back. And you can’t get a beer bottle pregnant. But come on guys….there are limits. Anything that can kill you or requires a blow torch to remove is probably a really bad choice for a sex partner.

But it does makes great fodder for columns. So on second thought, just keep it up. I can always use the material.
Weird Asian News

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